To all those who identify as demisexual, how did you know you were demisexual? I’m trying to explore myself and whether I am. But, sexuality is complex and frustrating to figure out!
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When I was 22 I hit the gay scene hard. Went to parties, met plenty of guys, had a lot of makeout sessions with said guys in various places...I generally found most of their personalities to be supremely unattractive when they'd talk outside of sex stuff.
I'm actually starting to find that I'm more attracted to someone based on how I know them and on a deeper level. I used to go for guys who matched my physical type and as I've focusing on their emotional state and values, I find the attraction shifting
Good luck with figuring it out! I spent a long time trying to nail down my own, hovering around the different shades of ace. I have kind of given up and just decided to think of myself as a very lazy gay.
I'll need all the luck I can get! It's so hard trying to fit oneself into a box. Nothing is black and white and that makes the experience of identifying ourselves with labels all the more frustrating >.<
I don't feel sexual attraction until I get to know someone more. And it varies but never feel it at face value until a connection is established and see what kind of mutual connection we share.
Do you ever feel sexual attraction through fiction or reading material? I guess I’m curious about the fluctuation for you because it depends on a lot of things for me. And I think it’s starting to change as I’m getting a little bit older and being more comfortable with myself.
Hmmm….It’s good to know that my experience isn’t the only one who fluctuates online and irl. When you do make that connection with someone, are there certain criteria or things that tend to make you attracted to them?
Awww I can see that <3 The affection aspect for me is also important. I need that physical touch and all to help me connect. It's interesting because I do express interest with physical touch, but if I'm not into the person, I'm not really touchy
For a long while I thought I was just a low sex drive person. I found some people attractive, but it wasn't in a visceral, boner achieving way. I was and am wildly uncomfy with the idea of hooking up w/ strangers even if they physically are my type, but I'm on board to do it w/ a friend.
Sometimes it doesn't take long to bridge that gap, if I'm really getting along with someone. Like, sometimes the vibe is right and we hit the speedrun to horny town. But generally that aversion to the idea of having sex with someone I don't know at least a little bit personally was what told me.
That's literally how I am! I actually DO NOT want to hook up with strangers and I've only done it ONE TIME. It was kind of a rare thing and I really enjoyed it, but I think it was based on physical attraction and not sexual. I prefer to fool around with someone I trust and have that connection.
I've tried to talk myself into trying it out, but I just can't. The idea stresses me out, haha. It's funny how that feeling of trust and bonding can kickstart interest in people who are outside my usual wheelhouse of attraction. It's like, do I have a type, or is my type actually "we get along well"
Maybe your type is that “we get along well” in addition to meeting other criteria that checkmarks several boxes :3 I’m noticing I lose attraction to someone who appears to be emotionally immature, clingy, and/or disrespectful. I had that happen on several recent dates
I'm somewhere between pan and demi. I can find someone attractive without sexual attraction, and the sexual attraction comes with familiarity and connection. I'm a horny fuck, but it takes work for me to aim that energy at someone.
Mmmmmmm okay! And you have that sexual desire once you've built that emotional connection with someone? Whenever you do attempt to be sexual with someone and you don't have that connection, does it feel different for you?
It’s more familiarity than emotional connection, but yeah it’s a prerequisite to sexual desire. If that connection isn’t there, then the sexual desire is pretty much zero. I can fuck someone after an hour of chatting, but meeting to fucking doesn’t really happen.
I relate to the part about the sexual desire being nonexistent without a connection. I don't EVER do a random hookup mostly because I don't have the desire or interest. But what's weird is I can fool around with someone I find very physically attractive but that also depends how I feel towards them
labels are useful as long as you get value from them. you can embrace them, learn from them, or anything in between. In my case, I find that I tend to describe myself as grey-ace because it’s what fits me best, but that’s not who I am completely. It works as useful shorthand to help describe me.
Yeah, that’s actually how I see it and I didnt really think about it like that you pointed it out. I really have a label would be helpful for me to understand myself a lot better. I know I’m not the typical “gay” person in my sexuality looks very differently from others. Its hard to put it in a box.
Yeah, and I actually have a type that I tend to lean towards, but the guys I dated with them my type have never worked out in the end. I’m actually working on dating outside of my type to see if there are some connections there. I am noticing my desires and attraction to my usual “type” is shifting
It's probably easier noting demi is more 'grey-ace'. It's on the asexuality spectrum, like you need a close bond before you generally feel sexually attracted to someone.
For me, it felt best until I found 'responsive' vs 'spontaneous' sexual desire, since I'm more the former. I need a stimulus!
Like, it felt weird being so oblivious sexually, wondering what my buttons were. Doing stuff with friends, close buddies, people I've bonded with? That always felt more satisfying to me versus someone I barely knew.
I like to say 'oxytocin is my aphrodisiac', to put a finer point on it. B3
Could you say a bit more about "responsive vs. spontaneous"? I think I may understand what you're meaning. Sorta like spontaneous attraction is the desire to do something sexually with someone you don't know to scratch that itch? I may be more on the "responsive" side but I want to understand x3
MMMMM THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. I didn’t know this was a thing XD So yeah, I VERY RARELY, if ever, get sponateous sexual desire. I usually need a buildup to the sexual encounter and when enough foreplay or leadup with affection and teasing is there, my engine is going.
Ughh tell me about it xD I also DO feel sexual attraction and I experience it while looking at smut, RP, etc, but I don’t have the desire to go out and hookup or feel that sexual attraction to people irl. At times I do but I notice it more when I’m in a romantic relationship
Maybe? And demi isnt black and white. I have exceptions and it makes identifying sexuality more frustrating xD it’s like, I have a sex drive but i don’t need to do stuff with a partner. And if I do and I don’t have those feelings for them, sex is just meh. It’s like kissing a wall, fun but mehhhh
Look up aegosexual (TL;DR - fantasy of sex good, reality is meh). It sounds like it might fit. I consider myself aego with a splash of demi. I never really experienced any kind of attraction until I got REALLY close to someone and then suddenly it was an exciting thought thought instead of bleh
Hmmm...I kinda fit aego in a way. I do enjoy the fantasies but in reality when I do have sex I really enjoy it. I'm not opposed to it. It's like, I don't go out seeking sex unless it's historically been someone I find physically attractive or have both physical and emotional connection.
I can definitely appreciate when someone is attractive, but I don't find myself attracted TO them until I've formed some kind of meaningful connection, then a switch in my brain is flipped.
I've seen attractive strangers, but I've never been attracted to someone I don't know, if that makes sense?
YESSS I get that same way! I see people who are attractive and all, but I don’t get that feeling of, “I want to fuck them and do dirty things.” I historically have found some sexual attraction through physical attraction, but that is starting to change for me as well
I pin myself as "kinda demi" because I prefer to have sex with people I'm close with- it's both more enjoyable and doesn't require mental spoons. Even if I enjoy having sex with someone I don't know well, there is some effort involved. I infrequently have the energy for that effort as a tired adult.
I like that label, “kinda demi.” I honestly have been curious if that’s how I am and I’m trying on that hat. I don’t know if it fits me, but I am holding onto it to see if it fits who I am.
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But my friends? People I loved? HOO BOY--
I'm actually starting to find that I'm more attracted to someone based on how I know them and on a deeper level. I used to go for guys who matched my physical type and as I've focusing on their emotional state and values, I find the attraction shifting
My level of demisexual is mainly through irl cases.
If our connection doesn't really share much affection, the sexual attraction isn't really there.
But if so, it's more likely to occur.
Then experiencing actual sexual attraction to people who were outside my "type" because I got close to them emotionally
For me, it felt best until I found 'responsive' vs 'spontaneous' sexual desire, since I'm more the former. I need a stimulus!
I like to say 'oxytocin is my aphrodisiac', to put a finer point on it. B3
Spontaneous desire means the energy is often there and raring for sexytimes. Responsive needs something to act on before that energy is released.
But if someone I'm attracted to expresses interest, or if an opportunity presents itself... 💥 BAM, I'll wanna do stuff, haha.
https://drelizabethperri.com/spontaneous-and-responsive-sexual-desire/
But that does sound like it’s in the realm of demi?
I've seen attractive strangers, but I've never been attracted to someone I don't know, if that makes sense?