Then try something else. If you cannot be happy with your current mindset, see it a different way. Enjoy the little things. Nothing in life matters in the end, so why stop yourself from doing anything with your only life? Draw. Play games. Have fun. We only have one life, so why waste it?
And even if death sounds to enticing to avoid, there are suicide hotlines to show you the dark reality of what you are about to do. I do not know if they can help fix your issues, but they can help you last long enough for your mother to find you somebody who can help fix your issues.
Just because I am currently happy doesn't mean that my advice is void. You have so many years ahead of you and only one life, do you really want to waste it all by freeing yourself from pain through a method as costly as this when there are better options available?
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