One of adulthood’s most painful things is realizing someone you think of as a friend doesn’t consider you a friend. There is no malice or acrimony or anything bad about it. It’s just a difference of some apt “German” word I don’t know.
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Oof this hits hard. I’ve been trying to come to terms with it for several months now… and I’m not handling it well. I sometimes think it would have been easier if there was some major blow up or difference in opinion. At least I could point to that.
Or when you think of someone as your best friend, but you’re one of many of their good friends. But part of that is the difference between an introvert and an extrovert. I have a lot fewer people in my inner circle than my best friend, who has many. I still value the friendship.
This is so much what my mother could feel, as time went on she came more to believe that it could be a sense of renunciation on the part of others. So I think I understood that nothing is like being alone without friendship without love without joy.
Society's broken social contract and polarization removes masks and reveals character. Then one must weigh the value of the relationship. Maybe even pro/con considerations.
Pulling away, setting boundaries, deciding on a contact level is appropriate.
Or when someone goes on and ON about how long you've both been friends, how much they cherish that, then when they mention other, random people (like the guy in the pharmacy they go to) they refer to that person as a "good friend" even though you've never met them or heard about them before.
It's not "something that happens". It happens for a reason. Maybe one of you realizes you don't have much in common or you just drift apart. But there is something behind it. You can choose to try to figure it out or you can just let it go.
For me its like when I always think fondly of them, like all their posts and stories , support their work but then when I actually reach out im ignored 😟
Had this happen recently. People let your read into things sometimes. Going out of their way to text and invite you out but when you need help with something it’s suddenly like oh, we’re not tight like that? ok.
It happens. Getting older also involves tight friend groups breaking up into smaller groups, which eventually give way to a random collection of acquaintances that sometimes say hi to each other.
I get that. I think the difference to me now is that I never fool myself anymore into thinking that people I see as friends actually see me that way. That way I can simply enjoy nice interactions while not pretending they meant anything to the other person. It’s not the best life, but it works.
as an adult it gets hard to make "fast friends" like when we were kids, friends through thick or thin, friends for life. yet we need that kind of friendship now more than ever.
It's a good thing that I am my husband's best friend, because soon after we got together 15 years ago, he realized he wasn't the best friend of any of his best friends.
Best he has are me and my male ex that introduced us.
One of getting old’s most painful is the friends who die, people who knew you from the ground up, those with whom you had a special shorthand, the ones who you maybe didn’t see for long tracks but who you could catch up with in an instant. New friends are lovely & welcome, old friends are treasure.
I have found this to be especially true when I want to be friends with someone who has kids, but they only have enough bandwidth to be friends with other people who have kids. I console myself with the hope that once they are empty nesters, maybe the situation will change.
Interesting! Most of my experiences of this are the inverse - after I had a kid, several folks who don’t have kids just gradually stopped including me in things and eventually ignored my invitations to them.
I'm so sorry to hear that -- though my experience was also that beloved friends had kids and vanished, no matter how I'd be like "we'll childproof!" or "we'll come to you, we'll bring takeout!" I like the framing of them not having bandwidth for people w/o kids, that helps heal some old wounds
My closest friends never wavered or worried about it and that’s been really great. I have no biological brothers but my son has five uncles that he loves dearly. A lot of them are older though. It was most of my age peer friends who bailed, which both shrank my circle and has made it hard to regrow.
I feel like this who thread is my discussions w my therapists and something I’ve been struggling with for a couple years. Anyway so I knew about this phenomena so when my friends started families I made it a point to support, keep connections, talk, socialize, help out.
15yr friendships. I love them and their kids, all my nibblings. Gone on trips with them. We live an hour apart and I always went to them. Then two things happened:
1. They only hang out with other parents doing “family” things. I WANT to go to the park, beach, Easter egg hunt.
It’s as if bc I don’t have kids, I wouldn’t want to go to a family event, even though i thought we thought of each other as family.
2. I needed help last year. I asked for six months for various types of help. Crickets. Completely abandoned by all but 2 people. Reevaluating and still processing.
I don’t underestimate the effort and life changes to raise little humans. Anyway I realized that i misconstrued my showing up / support during tough transitions to mean mutual closeness. Maybe they thought it was nice bc they didn’t see me like that at all.
Ya know, it’s often not about bandwidth and more about compatible schedules, when you have little kids it’s easier to make time to meet up with other people who also have to eat at 6:00 and be home by 7, or want to hang out in a park at 11am on a Sunday instead of a bar late at night. It’s rough.
Yes, definitely. I invited an acquaintance to walk around the zoo with me and my kids (kids happy and busy, no babysitter needed, me free to converse!) and she wasn’t into zoos and declined. Genuinely bummed about the disconnect. She’s cool. We’re just vibing on different timelines.
Just in a high level, general sense - depending on zoo (finances, practices, personal feeling on confinement/stress for rehab, etc). Could be an ethical issue as they can vary greatly and could generate a no for some depending.
I think as a parent of little kids it also often feels like the only socialization we get is trying to make sure our kids are getting socialization. That sounds weird. Then we stress over whether the other moms like us and actually want to be friends, or if it's just the kids who like each other.
Growing up, my Italian father distinguished between what I considered friendship and what he so clearly assessed as acquaintanceship. My indignation at his misunderstanding of my ‘friends’ was equaled only by his dismissal of them as ‘strangers.’
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And that does seem so odd, to me.
You'd think the French would. But, no.
Pulling away, setting boundaries, deciding on a contact level is appropriate.
Best he has are me and my male ex that introduced us.
Life is like that sometimes.
I'm also lucky to be besties with my wife 😊
We moved to two new countries together, but even among complete strangers we have each other to spend time with/talk to!
1. They only hang out with other parents doing “family” things. I WANT to go to the park, beach, Easter egg hunt.
2. I needed help last year. I asked for six months for various types of help. Crickets. Completely abandoned by all but 2 people. Reevaluating and still processing.