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baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social
Here for jokes. Some guy, dad, cat dad, multitudes, etc.
486 posts 222 followers 217 following
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Posts 19 Comments 31

Haunted by the sins of my past * *I ate too much before bed

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

At least I won't look back at my life while on my deathbed and think about how I didn't write enough terrible jokes on the internet.

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

Only one awake.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Mummies are just zombies with bandages.

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

What if he threw a $45 million parade and nobody came? Boring. Low energy. Sad!

submitted 5 days ago • 981 comments

Early birthday present-- spent an hour learning the sword from Highlander star Adrian Paul. 👍

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

you might think, "will he keep posting stuff that gets 4 likes? has he no shame?" and the answers are 1) yes and 2) no

submitted 8 days ago • 7 comments

Lying in bed, Just like Brian Wilson dead

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Sleepy babies.

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

At the trampoline park, and the kids all chimed in talking to an older kid who was doing the joust thing: "Don't go too hard on us, we're all 1st graders!" "And we're all 7!" "And we're all in the same class!" "And we're all best friends!"

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

My wife's friend has a husband who is allergic to pets. Apparently, their young daughter often asks: When Daddy dies, can we get a dog?

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

Banana time.

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

More things should be almond flavored.

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

Kitten party!

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

Going from 3 cats to 6 is double or nothing. If you don't hear from me, they have eaten me.

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

At school picnic, one girl had McDonald's and another boy said he doesn't like McDonald's because it's not healthy. Fair point, but this kid was drinking Prime and eating Mr. Beast nachos.

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

"Does fostering kittens pay well as a job?" -my 7yo, exploring his career options

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

Happy to pick up my son's friend from school so they can play together, but a 5 minute car ride lasts forever when a child talks nonstop about Legend of Zelda at the top of his lungs.

submitted 23 days ago • 0 comments

My son didn't know the word for a yin yang symbol, and called it "two ghosts looking at each other."

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments