Profile avatar
cornonthegoblin.bsky.social
from the magazines
147 posts 11,534 followers 189 following
Prolific Poster
Conversation Starter
Posts 39 Comments 11

sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

[girl petting my dog] what's his name? [me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

submitted 17 days ago • 2 comments

[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

submitted 26 days ago • 0 comments

[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may

submitted 27 days ago • 1 comment

if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you

submitted 31 days ago • 1 comment

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now

submitted 34 days ago • 1 comment

personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok

submitted 37 days ago • 0 comments

[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised

submitted 39 days ago • 3 comments

[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this

submitted 41 days ago • 3 comments

[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza] judge: my god divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

submitted 46 days ago • 1 comment

i fell into a Burger King deep fryer i turned brown brown brown medical help was required and it burns burns burns that BK fryer that BK fryer

submitted 53 days ago • 4 comments

[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the [flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no

submitted 67 days ago • 1 comment

And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”

submitted 72 days ago • 34 comments

[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME

submitted 69 days ago • 0 comments

[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back

submitted 80 days ago • 1 comment

[organ at the funeral stops and everyone hears me talking] I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my cum

submitted 87 days ago • 2 comments

me: [leaving the inventor of the piñata's funeral] OH MY GOD

submitted 94 days ago • 0 comments

[climbs out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

submitted 95 days ago • 1 comment

[dribbles between my legs and behind my back] guy at the urinal next to me: dude

submitted 108 days ago • 0 comments

[worried my therapist doesn't like me] let me see your notepad

submitted 111 days ago • 0 comments

big whoop your honor

submitted 116 days ago • 1 comment

alex trebek: tell us a little bit about yourself me: I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my ejaculate

submitted 117 days ago • 9 comments

TSA agent: why is your suitcase so wet me: you mean my soupcase?

submitted 121 days ago • 1 comment

roses are red / violets are blue who let the dogs out / who who who who

submitted 122 days ago • 1 comment

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha

submitted 122 days ago • 6 comments

[calls my mom 5 years after moving out] do i like skim milk

submitted 123 days ago • 0 comments

Dreamed a new McDonald’s breakfast sandwich with 1 lb. of egg whites called “The Wet One”

submitted 743 days ago • 14 comments

[makes a little voodoo doll of my neighbor's dog and pets it]

submitted 125 days ago • 7 comments

[whispers during lap dance] you're squishing my penis

submitted 126 days ago • 3 comments

[clenching my fists after being tackled in football] what's your problem

submitted 130 days ago • 0 comments

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, if you look out the windows on your left you'll see some fish... this is the worst I've ever messed up

submitted 132 days ago • 4 comments

me: [beastie boys voice] ahh can't stand it. i wanna sandwich, phily cheesesteak is what I'll take subway employee: sir, please stop yelling

submitted 133 days ago • 3 comments

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub] subway employee: im pretty sure youre not supposed to do that me: oh i dont work here

submitted 136 days ago • 1 comment

my therapist: if all of the teenage mutant ninja turtles were dangling from a cliff and you could only save one.. me: [already in tears]

submitted 143 days ago • 5 comments

[vet pulls me aside] hey man are you letting your cat smoke cigarettes

submitted 146 days ago • 1 comment

(learning my neighbor clark is actually superman) so when you said you couldn’t help me move,

submitted 150 days ago • 25 comments

snap back to reality / oh, my dad's mad at me

submitted 152 days ago • 0 comments

[police sketch artist realizes I've been describing his wife except nude] son of a

submitted 152 days ago • 1 comment