davoid.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

not the number one problem ultimately but it's still crazy for jurassic park to not have water slides

submitted 9 days ago • 2 comments

Youth is wasted on the young. Youth is fuckin’ gone off that young

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

ever hear the news and think "nothing's shocking," then think of naked conjoined twins with their heads on fire instead?

submitted 19 hours ago • 37 comments

half of being a parent is finding convincing ways to not crush your kids at games

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

It realllly sucks to lose your phone or wallet but boy what a huge relief when hours later you finally take that massive dump you’ve been holding in

submitted 19 hours ago • 0 comments

sees someone drop their wallet picks it up and runs after them Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! You..catches breath Your outfit... is hideous

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

There is a white goat running into traffic on the highway and me and my boy Carlos are the only ones accurately interpreting this as a warning from god

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

Got fired from the sex hotline for saying Hoss too much

submitted 37 days ago • 11 comments

discovering a new ice cream flavor that you love and everyone else in your house hates is like stumbling upon the Holy Grail

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

[on a first date] guess what color my butthole is

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Put the money in the bag or I’ll start eroticizing your refusal

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

They should make a new Transformers movie where the Transformers transform into non-euclidean shapes and drive all the humans to madness

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

(Treadstone agent) Your dinner is getting cold, Jason. (Signalling other agents to start geolocating the call) Why don't you.. pause your video game. Join us at the table.. (Jason Bourne, on burner phone) It's an online game. You can't pause it. (Agent, throwing headset onto desk in a rage)

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

they better let me keep one leg out when they cryogenically freeze me or i’ll never be able to sleep

submitted 1 day ago • 15 comments

When you're deffo not nosy, so you go out, all nonchalant like

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

[on a first date] I’m pregnant

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

spiders be like: 👁️👁️👁️👁️👄👁️👁️👁️👁️

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

When Mario grows tired of the blowjob

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

I don't hold grudges, I simply gift them a 4999 piece puzzle

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I don’t know who needs to hear this but when my superpower is having nothing in common with people using format jokes, it’ll be over for you bitches

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

The wedge is the most divisive of all salads.

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

i guess my least favorite sex position is fetal

submitted 2 days ago • 15 comments

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

submitted 2 days ago • 14 comments

Doctors ask you to make appointments 6 months in advance and it’s like, I could be living in Mexico City under a new name in witness protection by then.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

If you love something, don’t set it free. Everything out there is so much better than you and it’s gonna leave

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

I didn’t want to get pegged but accepted it in the end

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

no one warns you what the emotional toll of taking down your children’s play structure in the backyard will be

submitted 3 days ago • 24 comments

[on my deathbed] tell my family I love them Family: what's the wifi password?

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

CHICKEN: Hello JERK CHICKEN: Hello, idiot JAMAICAN JERK CHICKEN: Hello, I’m from Jamaica, idiot

submitted 5 days ago • 3 comments

You don't know me but I delivered your dad's subscription to Cooze until 1987

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

what do you stuff your crusts with? i stuff mine with dreams

submitted 4 days ago • 25 comments

ME: yeah could i get the impossible burger with cheese. THE VIZIER WHO'S BEEN ADVISING ME: ahh, an excellent choice sire. an imitation of the genuine article. there are some "friends" of yours to whom it bears a passing similarity ME: you want anything VIZIER: [chuckles] what i want is of no import

submitted 4 days ago • 16 comments

Them: I’m gonna get a tat Me: I’m gonna get a tattoo

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

Some dude asked me for help with his gymnastics kink. I just flipped him off.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

an anagram for 'sentient hero'? there isn't one

submitted 4 days ago • 11 comments

I want one of those smart fridges that tells you what food you have then orders take out

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments

He's a 10, but he's a dog, so he's a 70.

submitted 8 days ago • 3 comments

not the number one problem ultimately but it's still crazy for jurassic park to not have water slides

Youth is wasted on the young. Youth is fuckin’ gone off that young

ever hear the news and think "nothing's shocking," then think of naked conjoined twins with their heads on fire instead?

half of being a parent is finding convincing ways to not crush your kids at games

It realllly sucks to lose your phone or wallet but boy what a huge relief when hours later you finally take that massive dump you’ve been holding in

sees someone drop their wallet picks it up and runs after them Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! You..catches breath Your outfit... is hideous

There is a white goat running into traffic on the highway and me and my boy Carlos are the only ones accurately interpreting this as a warning from god

Got fired from the sex hotline for saying Hoss too much

discovering a new ice cream flavor that you love and everyone else in your house hates is like stumbling upon the Holy Grail

[on a first date] guess what color my butthole is

Put the money in the bag or I’ll start eroticizing your refusal

They should make a new Transformers movie where the Transformers transform into non-euclidean shapes and drive all the humans to madness

(Treadstone agent) Your dinner is getting cold, Jason. (Signalling other agents to start geolocating the call) Why don't you.. pause your video game. Join us at the table.. (Jason Bourne, on burner phone) It's an online game. You can't pause it. (Agent, throwing headset onto desk in a rage)

they better let me keep one leg out when they cryogenically freeze me or i’ll never be able to sleep

When you're deffo not nosy, so you go out, all nonchalant like

[on a first date] I’m pregnant

spiders be like: 👁️👁️👁️👁️👄👁️👁️👁️👁️

When Mario grows tired of the blowjob

I don't hold grudges, I simply gift them a 4999 piece puzzle

I don’t know who needs to hear this but when my superpower is having nothing in common with people using format jokes, it’ll be over for you bitches

The wedge is the most divisive of all salads.

i guess my least favorite sex position is fetal

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

Doctors ask you to make appointments 6 months in advance and it’s like, I could be living in Mexico City under a new name in witness protection by then.

If you love something, don’t set it free. Everything out there is so much better than you and it’s gonna leave

I didn’t want to get pegged but accepted it in the end

no one warns you what the emotional toll of taking down your children’s play structure in the backyard will be

[on my deathbed] tell my family I love them Family: what's the wifi password?

CHICKEN: Hello JERK CHICKEN: Hello, idiot JAMAICAN JERK CHICKEN: Hello, I’m from Jamaica, idiot

You don't know me but I delivered your dad's subscription to Cooze until 1987

what do you stuff your crusts with? i stuff mine with dreams

ME: yeah could i get the impossible burger with cheese. THE VIZIER WHO'S BEEN ADVISING ME: ahh, an excellent choice sire. an imitation of the genuine article. there are some "friends" of yours to whom it bears a passing similarity ME: you want anything VIZIER: [chuckles] what i want is of no import

Them: I’m gonna get a tat Me: I’m gonna get a tattoo

Some dude asked me for help with his gymnastics kink. I just flipped him off.

an anagram for 'sentient hero'? there isn't one

I want one of those smart fridges that tells you what food you have then orders take out

He's a 10, but he's a dog, so he's a 70.

it is a tail worn by an idiot full of sound and furry signifying nothing but a convention

brian was starting to think that maybe his mom wasn’t coming back

If I was Odysseus I woulda been all “Scylla and CharybTHIS”