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TIL the mascot from Newman’s Own used to be an actor? what next, Chef Boyardee has a podcast?? is this thing on?? [silence] oh wait it’s not on, god i’m so stupid, i don’t deserve love [plugs in mic] [feedback squeals] ahem what next, the Laughing Cow has an OnlyFans?? [uproarious laughter] anywayyy

submitted 16 hours ago • 0 comments

DUA LIPA: will you help me carry my old telly down to the dustbin ME: ugh fine dua lipa as long as you promise to finally watch Krull with me DUA LIPA: are you going to stare at me the whole time to gauge my reaction ME: DUA LIPA: ME: well i need to make sure you’re appreciating it properly

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

I just saw a bra in the street, not like a sexy one but a big beige hardworking meat and potatoes bra, and I was like: good for you sister

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

i just ripped the crotch in my pants! don’t ask how lol!! i mean, if you really want to know i’ll tell you, it’s actually a pretty funny story. no? ok that’s cool [time passes] it involves a fire hydrant, does that pique your interest? no? all right man haha have a great day

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

if you enjoy lovingly rendered hi-res depictions of rubble—crumbled stone, shattered masonry, concrete w/rebar, you name it—then you may want to check out……AAA video games

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

as they say in thunderdome: ladies and gentlemen…..boys and girls……..crying time’s here

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

you ever mistype your password twice in a row and decide to chuck your computer into the nearest gulch or arroyo

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 21 days ago • 1 comment

Josh @fireland.com released the final chapter of his novel Chokeville the other day. Now I can say with certainty: it's my favourite book of the past two decades. It's fun, dangerous, absurd, and written so beautifully, you can smell the blood, brine, and milk(?). Please read it: www.chokeville.com

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

i’m not proud of this but i make that evil smiling grinch face every time i hear about millennials getting/feeling old

submitted 23 days ago • 0 comments

she got a hat like mel sharples / i’m tunnelin her carpals

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

A May Day recommendation for you: Wicker Man covers by Katy J. Pearson and friends!

submitted 27 days ago • 2 comments

buckle up because here comes some real talk and i really don’t care if it offends you: there should be more pear flavored things

submitted 28 days ago • 1 comment

probably the corniest thing you can say is “i will not bend the knee” it’s like ok tyrion i get that you’re upset at how much a pepsi costs at the ren faire but take it down a notch my squire

submitted 29 days ago • 0 comments

I never learned any cool Zippo tricks but I can now karate chop open a Hi-Chew, which is just as good in the impressing-the-ladies department (i.e., not good).

submitted 30 days ago • 0 comments

my dad is a staunch NIMBY except when it comes to slip ’n slides

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

“i just finished my new novel, it’s very good and serious” “rad, what’s it called” “The Grapes…..of WRATH!” “huh” “what” “nothing, no, that’s a…that’s a cool title” “why are you making that face” “what face, i can’t wait to read it, it sounds really scary and not stupid”

submitted 33 days ago • 0 comments

To paraphrase Donald Sutherland in JFK: I can’t tell you the shockwaves this product sent along the corridors of middle school in 1985

submitted 34 days ago • 0 comments

There’s a lot of buzz today about LORDE and that’s great but there’s another cool LORD I’d like to rap about ;) I of course mean Axxidraa the Dark Lord of Whirling Vortices to whom I have pledged my eternal soul but so far She hasn’t gotten back to me :(

submitted 34 days ago • 0 comments

Youths today and their gross new swears. I just heard some punk say “capsicum” and nearly called the police. #sickening

submitted 35 days ago • 0 comments

I always thought the line in Raspberry Beret was “ain’t the first time, ain’t the greatest” as in “this particular sexual encounter in a barn was neither my first nor was it an all-timer but it was still pretty good” which seemed like a very Prince-y reason to write a song

submitted 36 days ago • 1 comment

I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anybody before, but I feel it’s key to understanding why I am the way I am……..I had a waterbed in high school

submitted 37 days ago • 2 comments

I went to make an endless loop of Kaini Industries by Boards of Canada but was delighted to see that someone beat me to it. www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj-Y...

submitted 38 days ago • 0 comments

I went to the UPS store and asked if I could get a thing notarized and the clerk sighed, nodded, went in the back for a long time and finally brought out this hippie beardo sort of guy who seemed unhappy to suddenly be in society but otherwise notarized the shit out of my thing.

submitted 40 days ago • 2 comments

rouse me before you leave-leave

submitted 40 days ago • 0 comments

STARDEW VALLEY WIFE: Oh, FarmerTed69. FarmerTed69, you are blind. It wasn’t a miscarriage. It was an abortion. An abortion! Just like that dying crop of powdermelons is an abortion! Something that’s unholy and evil!

submitted 41 days ago • 2 comments

A film that takes place where you’re from.

submitted 42 days ago • 0 comments

Sometimes you’ll post something and I know if I replied with “lol”—just those three little letters—you would despise me for the rest of my life. This is a terrible power that is fun to think about.

submitted 42 days ago • 1 comment

My my, is there a MRS. Mr. Mister?

submitted 45 days ago • 0 comments

This exclamation point can rot in hell. Is it excited my inbox is empty? Is it alarmed no one is writing me? Why is it expressing any reaction at all? I am not exaggerating when I say it is emblematic of the pure evil that flows through the diseased veins of every tech product ever foisted upon th

submitted 47 days ago • 1 comment

We called him Shrek because he sucked, found him dead in one of those IKEA kitchen sets, hypo dangling from his arm half filled with unfiltered apple juice, note said tell Janice this is her fault but I forgive her, Janice being his cat, my cat now.

submitted 47 days ago • 0 comments

Every time someone goes on about their “dear friend” (corny, braggy, probably fake) I just imagine it as “deer friend” (fun, twee, probably illegal)

submitted 48 days ago • 0 comments

My power move in a conversation is to ask a question and if the person says “wow good question hmm” then I hit them with “just because you don’t know the answer doesn’t mean it’s a good question” which kind of insults both them AND me. I forget why this is a power move.

submitted 50 days ago • 0 comments

Why do people care about character development. Nobody’s character develops in real life. I am one dimensional and always have been! My arc is a flat line from cradle to grave!!!

submitted 51 days ago • 1 comment

gee really

submitted 51 days ago • 1 comment