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kingmonkeysunkle.bsky.social
Don't these times, fill your eyes When the streets are cold and lonely And the cars, they burn below me Are you all alone Are you made of stone Brown/Squire https://bsky.app/profile/kingmonkeysunkle.bsky.social/search
5,656 posts 6,658 followers 658 following
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Posts 45 Comments 5

If you’ve seen a panda at the zoo, you’ve seen my best sex moves.

submitted 41 days ago • 5 comments

They should invent news for happy thiings

submitted 41 days ago • 17 comments

I hate it when I walk into a hotel in California and forget why I came in and then try to leave, but no. No sir.

submitted 182 days ago • 29 comments

sorry I haven’t been online lately I’ve been trying to pull up my yoga pants

submitted 45 days ago • 4 comments

Even the men here think the men here are morons

submitted 42 days ago • 46 comments

Idk but maybe when the Ambien is kicking in isn’t the best time to be making decisions. Or maybe it is?!

submitted 41 days ago • 4 comments

Life is so much easier in theory than in practice.

submitted 41 days ago • 1 comment

I love summer.

submitted 40 days ago • 1 comment

submitted 40 days ago • 150 comments

remember to recycle your feelings. for the planet.

submitted 40 days ago • 2 comments

this is your reminder to lift your leg and give that baby a gentle shake to wake it we ain’t tryna fall over in the employee bathroom today

submitted 42 days ago • 2 comments

Eating this potato will Heal Me

submitted 42 days ago • 9 comments

who was this Toby character and what beef did Hamlet have with him exactly this might be the worst tweet ever written, but here we are.

submitted 40 days ago • 3 comments

One day you’re young and the next thing you know, you’d rather have dinner at 4:30pm than risk waiting 15 minutes for a table.

submitted 41 days ago • 2 comments

watching my bright whites progressively fade to grey and pretending it isn't a metaphor for my life

submitted 41 days ago • 5 comments

One of those monthly subscription boxes but for undetectable poisons

submitted 41 days ago • 9 comments

It’s Friday I’m in love with improved lumbar support

submitted 42 days ago • 1 comment

binge watching my dogs until further notice

submitted 40 days ago • 18 comments

Reconsider your friends if you wouldn’t want them on your team during a zombie apocalypse

submitted 41 days ago • 2 comments

Face down, ass up, baby. We're gonna win this wheelbarrow race.

submitted 41 days ago • 3 comments

I can’t take you seriously if you take yourself too seriously.

submitted 41 days ago • 3 comments

Regret. It's what's for breakfast.

submitted 41 days ago • 2 comments

fun first date idea: trust falls from a busy overpass

submitted 41 days ago • 1 comment

Slept like it was my job that I'm not very good at

submitted 41 days ago • 5 comments

wait how do the muppets poop

submitted 42 days ago • 8 comments

A flashmob that breaks out every time someone is about to ask you for a favor

submitted 41 days ago • 3 comments

Not trying to brag but I’ve been called “really old” and “not funny at all” by some people I support financially

submitted 41 days ago • 9 comments

no but he was measuring from under the balls, your honour

submitted 41 days ago • 1 comment

Of course I know the world is spiraling out of control. That’s why I got us these slinkies

submitted 42 days ago • 3 comments

[yelling over club music] I said grief is a rain that falls on everything

submitted 42 days ago • 12 comments

No passport needed to get into Italy, just a stylishly knotted scarf.

submitted 42 days ago • 3 comments

They still sell fruit flavoured cigarettes in Mexico so now I smell like both a banana and an ashtray and I am ready for you to love me.

submitted 42 days ago • 9 comments

this is my emotional support full erection

submitted 42 days ago • 2 comments

the movie Grease, but Travolta plays Vincent Vega in it what about that then?

submitted 42 days ago • 2 comments

Yikes. Fellas. Do better already. Or, you know, sit this one out if you can't.

submitted 42 days ago • 6 comments

Actually this *is* my first rodeo when do we eat the horses

submitted 621 days ago • 2 comments

i'm so very, very sorry about me * me on a first date

submitted 42 days ago • 1 comment

A spot of spontaneous combustion would fix me.

submitted 43 days ago • 7 comments

Nobody here should calm their titties.

submitted 43 days ago • 7 comments

"Thanks for the opportunity" ~ Me, after job interviews and first dates

submitted 43 days ago • 0 comments

Dark circles under your eyes are the new black.

submitted 42 days ago • 2 comments

he: I wanna take you out me: with a bullet? 😍 he: no, on a date me: lol. no … no, you don’t

submitted 42 days ago • 1 comment

Sometimes I know exactly when to shut up. Hardly ever though.

submitted 42 days ago • 1 comment

Pretty sure long weekends only exist so people can ask each other if we have anything special planned for them

submitted 43 days ago • 7 comments

A reboot of The Neverending Story but this time it’s about laundry

submitted 43 days ago • 5 comments