scottclevenger.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

That time when the "21st Century Edition" of the world's most 20th Century version of the 30th Century was re-released for some reason and Psychlos prevented me from getting to CVS. open.substack.com/pub/clevenge...

submitted 7 hours ago • 0 comments

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Multiverse, the annual mammoth migration troops by Tomorrowland as David Bowie takes Sacajawea on a date to view Comet Hale-Bopp.

submitted 7 hours ago • 1 comment

STANDING ALIEN: My Lord, allow me to present this strange visitor from another planet! SQUATTING ELDER: Welcome...to Vulva View Estates! A Planned Community of Semi-Simian Georgia O'Keefe Fans. STANDING ALIEN: Psst! How're we supposed to pick this dude's nits when he's wearing a Pop-O-Matic dome?

submitted 20 hours ago • 2 comments

In the early days of Mission: Impossible, back when he was still picking his teams from headshots, Jim Phelps liked to relax at night in a lounging frock and kitten heels and really muse on how to fuck with the Foreign Dictator of an Unfriendly Nation.

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The makers of Underwood Deviled Ham basically did to the chopped remains of this pig what the inhabitants of Summerisle did to Edward Woodward at the end of The Wicker Man.

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KID: Hey Mister! Is that a fun job? Ridin' that train? CASEY JONES: This? HA! I used to drive the BIG trains, y'know! Huge locomotives! KID: Wow! So how come you do this? CASEY JONES: Well, they SAID I was high on co--Look. Whatever. Just say no to drugs, kid.

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This military parade could’ve been a Signal chat

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Sooo...cats, in other words.

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HER: Darling, it's Death. HIM: What? Well I can't see him now. Tell him I'm in the shower! HER: That's why he's here. Apparently you didn't put down that non-slip mat in the tub like I asked you to, and in about 3 seconds-- HIM: AUGH! ::THUD:: HER: You can go in now...

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"OK boys, dazzle me." "Try this one, Boss...It's so CANTONEASY it'll make you CANTONQUEASY!" "What? No..." "OK, how about...With CHUN KING, you'll be CHUNKING in no time!" "NO! What is WRONG with you?" "I dunno, Don Draper makes it look so easy." "That's cuz he's also too smart to try the product!"

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[phone chimes] "Dear C.H.U.D., Good news! Your Doordasher has arrived."

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Fabio was exposed to cosmic rays and hibernated for millennia. When he awoke, he'd evolved beyond humanity, becoming a trans-dimensional being who could travel and explore the limitless reaches of Creation itself! But he just went back to posing for Harlequin Romance covers.

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HER: Did you hit him? HIM: Yes! Every shot! HER: So he's dead? HIM: No! He's still chasing us! HER: What?! How? HIM: Cuz six slugs from a .38 ain't enough to stop a detective who's keen, relentless, and a defrosted wooly mammoth!

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Well, the second photo explains how we got those old stories about witches riding brooms.

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GUNMAN: You're in Trouble Buster! BUSTER: Good! Cuz it just so happens I'm a Trouble Buster! GUNMAN: Huh? BUSTER: What? GUNMAN: Shouldn't that take a hyphen? BUSTER: Look who's correcting grammar! Mr. "I don't need a comma before a proper noun to indicate direct address"?

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

As Rex showed off his keen eye at the shooting gallery (winning the plush banana!), Dotty enjoyed a deep fried baby alligator on a stick and blissfully sighed, "Our state fair is a GREAT state fair."

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This week at Better Living Through Bad Movies, I'm confronted by...well...by more Dick than I think I can take. open.substack.com/pub/clevenge...

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Tonight on TCM: At 8PM, it’s OUR VINES HAVE TENDER GRAPES followed at 9PM by OUR WIENERS WERE NOURISHING AND TENDER.

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

I enjoyed LAILA (1929), a Norwegian silent film about a free-spirited Lapp woman, but the closing credits seemed kind of judgey.

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HER: Let him have it, Dick! HEP YOUNG SCIENTIST: Keep your skirt on, Gert! My Lightning Zipgun will settle THIS cat's hash with five billion Joules of HIGH energy! VAGUELY DEAN MARTIN-LOOKING MOFO: Nooo! My mock turtle neck! It ain't got that swing with all this static cling!

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HER: (SIGHING) Yesss...! Touch me there, Roger. HIM: Hang on. I need a Tums.

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You know, I was worried about these calls for "defunding the police", but it turns out the cops are a lot more fun and friendly when they're forced to work for tips.

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This issue has ALL the classics! MISSION TO OBLIVION! THE FLAME AND THE HAMMER! and THE GIRL WITH TWO AH-OOGA! HORNS ON HER FOREHEAD!

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NURSE: It feels like the skin graft is starting to take. SOLDIER: Sure is! Thanks for the donor nipple, sister.

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I never wanted to go to EARTH! I mean yes, I applied, but Earth was supposed to be my SAFETY PLANET!

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In the beginning there was only one, and he tried to compensate for his inadequate staffing and lack of scientific ghost-fighting equipment by being--at all times--wildly overdressed.

submitted 12 days ago • 2 comments

"Svetz?" "What is it? I'm busy!" "Are you doing your Swedish Exercises in the Cosmic Vagina again?" "Um...No?” "When are you gonna clean the Time Molecules out of there?" "I told you, I'm getting to it." "Get to it today. The Yard Sale's on Sunday."

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Nurse Gwen was tempted by Dr. Jack's offer of marriage and all the wonderful things it would bring: love, security, children. But if she accepted, who would titrate the Molly and Ketamine in the Cool Room and advise ravers on the easiest and most hygienic way to bugger each other with glow sticks?

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STRANGLED BY SPACE NUDISTS! The Amazing Story of My Neck Rash!

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HIM: Oh Blanche! Thank you for being a friend (lick! nibble! SLORP!) ...with benefits!

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This week at Better Living Through Bad Movies: It only feels like the runtime is 200 years.) open.substack.com/pub/clevenge...

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"Stop her, Eddie, she works for the failing Evening Picayune-Express! They publish fake news about our crimes, and their sports coverage is low energy!"

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DOCTOR: Darling, I love you, even if you ARE suddenly a millionaire... NURSE: ...following the death of my father and the mysterious disappearance of his body. By the way, should we change? I feel like the probate court might take these blood-spattered clothes the wrong way.

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VAMPIRE: Now you pitiful, high-pocketed fools shall feel the full, foreshortened fury of DWARF DRACULA, the Bonsai Bloodsucker! GUNMAN: Aw, I can't shoot him, he's too cute! HER: Who designed this goddamn staircase, M.C. Escher?

submitted 16 days ago • 1 comment