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sorrowscopes.bsky.social
Things are terrible (we follow our contributors)
1,331 posts 21,655 followers 111 following
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Posts 45 Comments 3

Aries: While looking for love, you'll find adventure! Bring knives.

submitted 3 days ago • 8 comments

Taurus: Summertime is here and you know what that means! Nothing. You’re an adult. Get back to work.

submitted 3 days ago • 9 comments

Gemini: Love is in the air! But you are on the ground, where you belong. Because you're unlovable.

submitted 3 days ago • 7 comments

Cancer: The time has come to quit kicking things down the road and start crossing some items off that To Do list. In fact, take the list, crumple it up and toss the whole thing in the trash. Guess what? You just stopped procrastinating.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

Leo: With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Virgo: Your future is not written in stone. It is, however, etched into baby teeth by the Tooth Fairy. She’s very weird.

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

Libra: The BattleBots episode containing an innocuous phrase that would inspire you to embark upon an exciting and prosperous new journey has just been pulled from YouTube. In 48 hours, David Zaslav will order the last existing copy deleted. [Explicit incitement to violence removed -Ed.]

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Scorpio: Today is a day of good health and fortune (for others; for you, nothing but sorrow).

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

Sagittarius: You’ll finally get a notification on your dating app this week, but it’s only to let you know about your overdue fees.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

Capricorn: None of the staff was willing to put this week's Capricorn down on paper, it's simply too horrific.

submitted 3 days ago • 8 comments

Aquarius: You will encounter the real el chupacabra, but you won't have a sword or camera. No one will believe you.

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

Pisces: Make sure to moisturize your hands this week. You don’t want to get blisters when the mob guys make you dig your own grave.

submitted 3 days ago • 6 comments

Happy Pride Month to everyone else who is also chronically ill and high risk and unable to participate in Pride Month festivities because folks won't mask. I see you. Your love is still valid. And to everyone else who can safely attend events this month, please mask up.

submitted 24 days ago • 26 comments

It’s June

submitted 25 days ago • 46 comments

@bornmiserable.bsky.social ! Thank you for the beautiful shirt! I love it!

submitted 33 days ago • 17 comments

SORRY THESE ARE LATE THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY DEMOLISHED MY PILLOW FORT

submitted 24 days ago • 8 comments

Aries: When you wish upon a star, it makes no difference who you are. Because the stars don’t give a shit about you.

submitted 24 days ago • 3 comments

Taurus: Before seeking revenge, dig two graves. More if you plan on being thorough.

submitted 24 days ago • 7 comments

Gemini: Time to get back to nature. Head out to the park, find a nice quiet spot, and start decomposing.

submitted 24 days ago • 6 comments

Cancer: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

submitted 24 days ago • 5 comments

Leo: On the plus side, they'll name the new species of beetle after you.

submitted 24 days ago • 3 comments

Virgo: Listen to your heart this week. If your stethoscope is sensitive enough, you'll hear the murmur that's going to put you in the ICU.

submitted 24 days ago • 8 comments

Libra: You are positively glowing today. Nuclear physicists can’t explain it.

submitted 24 days ago • 7 comments

Scorpio: Have some fun this week, because by the end, you’ll be floating through the void in a two dimensional space prison.

submitted 24 days ago • 5 comments

Sagittarius: You will speak aloud a profound truth with the power to unlock total understanding of the nature of reality, and you're gonna do it in Dumb Guy voice to make fun of someone for being stupid. That's how far you are from enlightenment. You looped back around.

submitted 24 days ago • 3 comments

Capricorn: Remain calm in the face of the horrors. It won’t improve anything but the demons who stalk you will be impressed.

submitted 24 days ago • 3 comments

Aquarius: Your perfectionist tendencies land you in hot water this week when you’re arrested for breaking into your neighbor’s house to rearrange their dishwasher.

submitted 24 days ago • 14 comments

Pisces: This is a good week to vanish mysteriously in the scrublands.

submitted 24 days ago • 10 comments

SORRY THESE ARE LATE I WAS BUSY VANQUISHING MY FOES

submitted 38 days ago • 10 comments

Aries: The universe has been cancelled. There will be no refunds.

submitted 38 days ago • 7 comments

Taurus: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

submitted 38 days ago • 4 comments

Gemini: Many will voice their disapproval and cast their doubts on your new relationship. To hell with them! They don't know you and they don't know Jimmy. He's not like other trucks.

submitted 38 days ago • 1 comment

Cancer: It’s time to stop hating yourself. Everybody else is taking care of that for you.

submitted 38 days ago • 4 comments

Leo: Haunted by the inability to feel at home, you will dig a hole and crawl inside. The earth will smell like someone you once loved.

submitted 38 days ago • 9 comments

Virgo: It’s time to stop procrastinating! Why put off tomorrow’s failures when you can fail today.

submitted 38 days ago • 1 comment

Libra: Don’t be afraid to open your heart to the world, that’s where your hate lives.

submitted 38 days ago • 6 comments

Scorpio: On the plus side, they'll name the new species of beetle after you.

submitted 38 days ago • 1 comment

Sagittarius: It has taken 10,000 years for the cosmos to align perfectly to bring you to this exact moment where you get a ranch dressing stain on your new pants.

submitted 38 days ago • 4 comments

Capricorn: The Cabbage Patch Dolls will have their revenge.

submitted 38 days ago • 1 comment

Aquarius: Put your best foot forward this week, unless you see a bear trap.

submitted 38 days ago • 0 comments

Pisces: Like an old novel, you have many chapters. Most of them tedious, hard to understand and not particularly enjoyable.

submitted 38 days ago • 14 comments

If you like amazing art, please buy from a local artist! Anthony is extremely gifted as well as a wonderful human being. Check out his paintings!

submitted 46 days ago • 7 comments

Right now would be a really cool time for you to buy a painting. Trying to not have to sleep in my car on my next fire assignment. Everything I have available is on my instagram. Prices are super negotiable right now. Link in bio. ❤️

submitted 47 days ago • 4 comments

A lot of very funny and talented people have written for Sorrowscopes over the years- here they are! bsky.app/starter-pack...

submitted 223 days ago • 40 comments

this is a letter to the editor from a high school track runner who came in second to a trans girl in a race. her state house rep in maine started talking about it. so she wrote this: www.pressherald.com/2025/05/14/r...

submitted 41 days ago • 364 comments