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theakscott.bsky.social
House spouse and perpetual dilettante. If you won't let me flower in the dirt, I'll crack my way through the concrete and blossom there.
1,421 posts 167 followers 343 following
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Posts 14 Comments 36

I hope there is a church out there that labels their collection plate "Jesus' tip jar".

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Sometimes I wish I could be an Australian plumber upgrading people's toilets just so I could say "bidet, mate!" on a regular basis.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

One of these years my stomach will finally teach me not to eat all the cherries I can get my hands on in a single sitting.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

My default when rinsing or soaking dirty bowls is hot water. I keep forgetting that doing this with a bowl my child puked in is a bit more 'aromatic' than I would prefer.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

It's pretty amazing this owl can run a museum 24/7 and wake up from a dead sleep to identify any bug, fish, fossil, or forgerized work of art. You'd think at one point he'd just be like "you know what? I don't know. Today's not my day, maybe we should send that off to a subject matter expert."

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

That moment when your tea finally cools down enough to drink and you realize it's actually just hot water and you forgot the bag.

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

I don't like that they're allowed to be robots and I'm not!

submitted 14 days ago • 1 comment

Those religious families that pump out 8 kids can afford to not baptize one and see what happens. You know, for science!

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

I wonder if editors that deal with punctuation regularly ever have it affect their sex life. Like if an anus and weiner are aligned the right way do they see it as an exclamation mark? Is two Spanish men 69ing just !¡ to them?

submitted 23 days ago • 1 comment

False alarm, the white smoke coming from the Vatican conclave was just someone's vape.

submitted 26 days ago • 0 comments

I like to imagine that Voldemort's penis is missing a urethra. Okay, so I don't actually "like" to imagine that.

submitted 29 days ago • 1 comment

Just got an email from Butch Ware. I thought it was lesbian clothing brand at first (I need to up my carabiner game) but apparently it's just some guy named Butch who's a gubernatorial candidate in California. Significantly less exciting.

submitted 32 days ago • 1 comment

Do we know if the KKK ever has BBQs and family events? Or is it all hate and no celebrate? The idea of little kids in a bouncy castle wearing full Klan outfits tickles me (in a way that makes me sad and nauseated).

submitted 33 days ago • 1 comment

Somewhere out there is a male Medusa trying to hide his balding with a snake comb over that isn't fooling anyone.

submitted 35 days ago • 0 comments