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xanderglasgow.bsky.social
I never saved anything for the swim back. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 No DM’s.
444 posts 545 followers 196 following
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Posts 45 Comments 5

My Friday was going great until I realised it was Thursday

submitted 2 hours ago • 1 comment

Too much panic, not enough disco.

submitted 3 hours ago • 1 comment

Don’t play hide and seek with emails, they’ll always find you.

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

It's not easy being a marshmallow when the world's on fire.

submitted 75 days ago • 5 comments

Pronouncing the G in gnocchi, hoping the mob will put a hit out on me.

submitted 70 days ago • 22 comments

Only 9457 followers away from 10k followers.

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

General depression says we’ll get through this. Major depression requests permission to speak frankly.

submitted 50 days ago • 11 comments

The Bluedots are using ChatGPT to write their skeets, and it shows.

submitted 5 hours ago • 0 comments

Kneecap is not the story. Genocide in Gaza is.

submitted 6 hours ago • 25 comments

Some of you have been deprived of deprived upbringing and it shows.

submitted 5 hours ago • 0 comments

I’m gonna need an intimacy coach for this pizza, I’ve ordered.

submitted 5 hours ago • 0 comments

Musicals are always Everyone In Heaven Looks A Bit Like Manson and they are all very popular

submitted 7 hours ago • 0 comments

People still act surprised that summer is hot. Again. Like it hasn’t done this every single year since ever.

submitted 15 hours ago • 3 comments

Men would mock women's purses until they need ibuprofen, a pen, tissues, water, lip balm, sunscreen, Oreos, a hat, or that tiny shirt receipt from last month (you told them it wouldn’t fit btw).

submitted 11 hours ago • 9 comments

Well somebody’s got to post those one like bangers.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Just found out that my mate Nelson Gupta is in fact called Neil Singh Gupta. When I asked him why he’s never corrected me for over twenty years, he said “I always thought you were calling me Neil son”. 😃 So there you go, a wee story about Nelson Gupta, I mean Neil Singh Gupta.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Waxing places do ivy now, in case, you know, you've just been laying around in the dirt eating one prescription strength trellis after another

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Whoever named toes should name other things (big toe middle toe pinkie toe wait)

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Just seen the weirdest thing, gloves in a glove box. Fucks all that about?

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Scrolling bsky asking my kids to choose a new mom.

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

If the clown has a problem with Spain, it means that Spain must be doing something right.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

People who talk shit about sugar. Who was there for you when you were falling apart? Salad?

submitted 1 day ago • 14 comments

From the interview that got me a lesser interview that was even lesser than the one I was born with, I know my answers as a person are amateur because I think of philosophy as just pretty good art

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Me: then I heard horror stories that the areolas and the labia turn brownish as you age but thank goodness I’m still pretty in pink Nurse: Nice. The doctor will be with you in minute Me: Sorry am I using my outside voice again? Pretty in pink,amiright? ( Brought to you by Valium )

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

If you need to make an announcement at a family occasion, don’t ring a glass to get everyone’s attention, switch the WiFi off.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

You guys go on, I'm just going to lay down for a couple years.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

It’s sad that in the middle of Armageddon .. that I still obsessively have to make my bed This is straight up rubbish right here, snuggins !

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

The "clouds follow you when you're sad" crowd sure is quiet about this "cheer the fuck up" wave

submitted 2 days ago • 3 comments

Trump negotiated that ceasefire about as well as I negotiate bedtime with my autistic 9 year old.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

I tell what I’ve not done for decades and I really miss it, laughing just after you’ve swallowed juice and it all sprays out your nose.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

"Before digital scanning of items there was" complete memorization of all the products and costs? "Price guns." Alas but what a time for residue "There's an extended cut of the blob where we can clearly see all the .99's aiding in horror of digestion" oh the tagony shit I meant to glorify mnemonics

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

I hate people collectively, but adore so many individually.

submitted 3 days ago • 24 comments

No, Debra, I don't want to hear about your dream, unless it involves raccoons in tuxedos running a bank.

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

submitted 4 days ago • 188 comments

A peacock with a single dodo feather?! Sorry but it's too beautiful to backspace over and autocorrection on an animal is still a moral gray area

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

My 11 discovered he can sneak in phone time while pooping. He’s gonna be a great dad.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Studies show eating three whole pizzas for dinner is way healthier than being eaten by a bear.

submitted 3 days ago • 10 comments

What the world desperately needs right now is Batman to pop in and whisper he’s Batman.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

Remember!!

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Making noises putting my socks on, I used to make benching.

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

Took some rubbish to the dump and saw these dudes. I’m not casting aspersions here but one of them might be on the ‘roids.

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

If you guys need me I'll be in my existential bed

submitted 4 days ago • 5 comments

What I did for love? Pfft *rolls eyes*

submitted 48 days ago • 5 comments

The first three tacos were for my stomach, the fourth my soul.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Getting a lot more action as far as nods go since changing my bio from inactive creator to watches old kung fu movies

submitted 4 days ago • 6 comments