Less than two hours until Valentines is over and of course last minute the wave of sadness is going to hit me. For the last (almost) year I've been craving someone to love again, to have a partner again.
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly, but that love is different
I'm not the one to actively seek out love honestly. If it happens it happens, let it take me blissfully by surprise.
Yet I think about it all of the time. I'm so used to my heavy anxiety causing me to be alone all the time and put up high walls. It's a nice thought to be vulnerable around someone
I loved the feeling of having someone in my arms, holding them when life got tough on them. My creative mind turning its gears to plan out what gift they might love. Creating silly little drawings of us together, hearing about each others days and lives, and actually building a relationship
But I am who I am. For as long as I can remember I had high functioning anxiety that prevented me from being verbal a lot of the time. I struggled to express both positive and negative emotions for a long time. I hate every part of how I look physically. I don't see how anyone could love me
Maybe there's someone out there patient enough to deal with my anxiety, overthinking, and insecurities. Maybe.
I hope that maybe one day in the future, I'll have that partner I keep dreaming of. (And if I'm really lucky, they'll be long distance for I can have hope of leaving this country)
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Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly, but that love is different
Yet I think about it all of the time. I'm so used to my heavy anxiety causing me to be alone all the time and put up high walls. It's a nice thought to be vulnerable around someone
I hope that maybe one day in the future, I'll have that partner I keep dreaming of. (And if I'm really lucky, they'll be long distance for I can have hope of leaving this country)