Till I met white midwestern ladies I had no idea that the word "honey" could be deployed in so many different ways, from term of endearment to nuclear heat seeking missile
Comments
Log in with your Bluesky account to leave a comment
Southerns also. However, we have our own language to insult where if you don't know Southern speak, you don't realize it. If a Southern ever blesses your heart, just watch out.
Have you seen a southern woman take “bless her heart” through its paces? My cousin did it once and she’s from NY. It was a masterclass in shitting in ppl politely
In parts of the South "bless your heart" is an actionable death threat. I know I've got a thesis in me on politeness as social violence in me simonewhere.
This is a more intense version of how dudes have to know what the intonation is when someone calls them “buddy” as to whether they’re about to get a free beer or a black eye
Honey is a casual assertion of Midwestern/Southern dominance with Byzantine rules. My hair stylist gets to call me honey, but it would be rude if I did it back.
Baltimore has also achieved this with "hon." You've never been dismissed until a middle-aged woman with an entire can of Aqua net on her head tells you, "You just sit right there, hon, I ain't dealing with you yet."
This is not unique to Midwesterners but we are exceptionally good at it and can do it with almost any term of address. Sir, ma’am, bro, dude, dear, sweetie, buddy, you name it
Wait till you meet Southern (USA) ladies. White or not, being called "honey" can be "Oh, who's my sweetest, handsomest, most beautiful and perfect Someone? You! Yes you! You are!" all the way down to "After you d!e, say hi to D*nald Tr*mp." Utterly savage. And they make sure you know which it is.
Couple weeks ago, met a VERY hot young man while walking our respective dogs on a nature trail. He had a recalcitrant puppy and we talked dog adoption and raising pups for a bit. I turned to leave & he wished me a wonderful day, "love" and I damn near melted into the center of the earth. Whew! 🥵
One of the most vicious takedowns I ever saw was on a cooking/chat show where the guest was sharing a recipe with the help of one of the hosts. The host was massively helpless and the guest turned to him, paused, smiled kindly and said, "You're so pretty."
I felt the burn from a thousand miles away.
I dislike passive aggressive word tricks, but, since moving from TX to the upper midwest, I do enjoy saying "that's different/interesting." The south lacks this particular inflection.
You should try coming to Leicestershire, Uk, where we call everyone 'Miduck' (derives from M.E. for 'my Duke' I believe). No nuance to it and usually friendly or neutral but it freaks out everyone unused to being consistently identified as a loud, web-footed waterbird with no context haha
Corollary: only women are /ever/ allowed to use the word honey. Under no circumstances should a man use this on a woman not his spouse, and then only if previously negotiated.*
I worked at a pizza restaurant in Kalamazoo, MI, taking delivery orders while I was in college. We had one repeat customer who we just all started calling "honey baby sweetie" because she'd use those terms with the drivers so frequently.
Got a whole front row seat to this when the lady serving me coffee at the airport went from telling me "thanks for the tip, honey" to telling the guy behind me "you have to wait till I'm done serving this customer, honey" and it was like watching moses part the sea, didnt even know this was possible
Not midwestern, so genuinely curious: was this lady older, like at least 50? As a older southern women, I waited until then to deploy "honey," (and "dear" etc.) with people and I use these terms judiciously!
many ppl are suggesting I look into "bless your heart" and I know that one, although is it ever used to just be nice? Honey seems to have a level of versatility here that is on a diff level, though correct me if thats not accurate
I pretty much only say "bless your heart" sincerely, and most people I know who do use that phrase naturally, do it sincerely. It can be insulting (obviously) but it can also be nice. I think you're probably right about "honey" being more versatile.
Yes! When you go out of your way to do something for someone and they respond with "Oh, BLESS your heart!", you did a good thing! I've gotten it twice: for giving a present that the person REALLY liked and was surprised by, and by telling a cafe manager about how wonderful a specific waitress was.
Bless your heart can be sympathetic (ie you hear a sad story about someone). Like honey, it's all about the tone/ context. But honey isn't as well known as an insult, so I feel like it's more devastating to be called honey (derogatory)
Yes - it’s contextual. My brother got into a wreck: bless his heart! (Consternation); he was driving my car - bless your heart (empathy); he’d been drinking, too BHH (what a dumbass); and now I have to pay for the car and his funeral - BYH (I’ll make a casserole).
Fwiw - a Jewish southern friend told me ages ago that they have a similar phrase/loose equivalent: “May he/she/they live and be well.” I love that one, too! 😅
I don't think it's quite as passive-aggressive as "bless your heart". That's talking about someone in the third person and (theoretically anyway) softening a criticism.
It's been my life-long experience that 'bless your heart' used in a kind way is reserved for children and/or sympathy for someone going through something rough, like a death in the family.
Where i live, the phrase 'bless your pea-pickin' heart' or even just 'bless your pea-pickin' is thrown around by several old ladies that i know when you've done a task for them they needed help with. I've also heard/used 'bless your little cotton socks' as a term of endearment lol
I have a tendency to let it slip when I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. I've even deleted posts so as not to be misunderstood as condescending because the new 'secret' is that it's NOT just used as a dismissal/insult.
Here's the cheat code for this one:
Back In The Day, "Bless your heart" was /always/ intended as a kindness. Depending on the context, that can be Actual Kindness, or "Mamma said if you can't say anything nice don't say nothin at all". The words cover your ass, the tone sends the real message.
My mom grew up in Florida and almost always uses “bless your/their heart” in a sincerely positive manner. I have also heard her use the phrase as the veiled insult/snark that most people associate with the phrase, but that’s rare in her case.
As a Southerner I get a little nervous when I see those "'Bless your heart' means 'you're an idiot'" memes. It's contextual! I always worry that someone is going to offer to help an old lady carry her groceries and she'll say "Oh, bless your heart!" and they'll get really upset.
Yes, occasionally. I'm not a Southerner but have a lot of business contacts who are. Once I got a request phrased as a plea to undertake a monumental task. When I did it in 5 minutes because there's actually an automated report for that, I got what I think was a sincere "bless your heart."
I suspect that the use of BYH (complimentary) has waned over time but in my youth it was not infrequently bestowed, as a mark of approval from an adult woman to a child or even teenager, who had demonstrated unexpected consideration (helping your friend’s mom bring in groceries from the car, etc)
It's a nuanced phrase that can be used in many ways. I mostly use it to express genuine sympathy for someone's plight, but I've been known to slice it with a sharp edge when warranted.
I shocked a foreign language teacher when she translated a word as “lady” or “ma’am” and I asked if it was always respectful or if it was deployed as a derogatory, as “lady” is in the US. (Apparently it is always respectful.)
Examples:
Auto mechanic: Lady (always derogatory)
Barista: Lady, this person was in front of you. (Derogatory)
Car salesman: I’m going to take care of you just like you were my own daughter, little lady. (He thinks you’re an idiot.)
Police: Lady, were you aware that you ran a red light?
"Bless your heart" can definitely be a sincere expression of gratitude, and it gets used that way, but it's also used in tones ranging from pity to condescension to contempt.
I've never met anyone use "bless your/their heart" with even a semblance of sincere kindness, certainly not in this century. At best they're calling someone naive and at worst using it in place of a slur (this is actually the usual usage, unfortunately).
I've heard bless your heart being used sincerely here in the South, but it's more of a an expression of genuine pity. "You got crushed by a falling anvil? Oh, bless your (poor) heart!"
I am from the south. It is rare to see it used with sincere affection. It is an expression of pity, as the perspective of the speaker finds many things pitiable, including how someone was born (or, often enough, assumes they were born). I think for older generations it may be used with true concern.
“Bless your heart” can definitely be used when commiserating with someone over a mistake or accident. Like if a puppy trips going upstairs: “Aww, bless your heart! Did that nasty step trip you up?”
There is also “bless your little black heart” which is kind of the backhanded compliment, an acknowledgment of niceness from someone normally regarded as scheming/troublemaking.
I'm just surprised to see this as a 'midwestern' thing.
I'm from the southeast US and had to train myself out of calling folks 'Honey' and 'Lovely' once I got online in the late 90s bc most of America assumes it's talking down to rather than affectionate.
Bless your heart is indeed used nicely. It has become customary to assume it means “fuck you” and Southerners go along with that because it gives power to Southern phrase in general & lets us keep the mystique of our dialect. Another great one is “I might could do that” which can mean anything 1/
I had sir/ma'am drilled into me by the southern baptists as a kid in the South, so you really learn to weaponize it at a young age. Now I live out west where it's an uncommon thing to say, always amuses me that no one can tell when I'm being polite and when I'm very much not.
Comments
"Bless your heart"
I felt the burn from a thousand miles away.
*Rule may differ if "honey" is a child.
Oh honey girl (run, gramma’s in a mood)
Oh, honey (derogatory)
Oh sweetie (sympathetic)
Oh sweetie (derogatory)
Oh, honey (hungry and wanting some sweetener)
Genuine, but I'm laughing at you - after an AFV worthy fall or similar
I'm not saying it to be ugly, I'm saying it because it's true -"Bless that baby's heart, he looks just like his daddy" (actual quote)
Back In The Day, "Bless your heart" was /always/ intended as a kindness. Depending on the context, that can be Actual Kindness, or "Mamma said if you can't say anything nice don't say nothin at all". The words cover your ass, the tone sends the real message.
It's very much a "read the room" sort of thing.
In its most generous form it carries a shocked but not necessarily sharp-edged tone of "we genuinely did not realize anyone could be that clueless."
Auto mechanic: Lady (always derogatory)
Barista: Lady, this person was in front of you. (Derogatory)
Car salesman: I’m going to take care of you just like you were my own daughter, little lady. (He thinks you’re an idiot.)
Police: Lady, were you aware that you ran a red light?
“She would never! She’s a LADY!”
Used mostly w children.
I'm from the southeast US and had to train myself out of calling folks 'Honey' and 'Lovely' once I got online in the late 90s bc most of America assumes it's talking down to rather than affectionate.
Its all in the tone, inflection & glances.
I always imagined all regions had such useful phrases - do they not? 2/2