i don't think it's possible to have "wanting to awaken" as a genuine embodied desire. i think the real motivations that are capable of getting there are more immediate and tangible, like "i need to know the root of suffering" or "i need to know the nature of mind/reality"
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1) curiosity. i've always wanted to know what the "truth" is, about my "self", "reality" etc
2) i want to not suffer, or at least suffer less, i really need it
https://www.artofaccomplishment.com/podcast/want-over-should-master-class-series-6-3
how is this fuel that could ever lead to a burning need to be free, a practice for the sake of practice, a vow that would extend throughout centuries and lifetimes if given the chance?
@wystantbs.bsky.social
reminded me of them yesterday. they are skillful thoughts that i would describe as traditionally helping nourish the actual WANT to be free, not the SHOULD
even if i don't end up "wanting awakening?"