Yes. I’m 55, childfree. I gave up the business I built for decades to care for my disabled, now 90 year old, mother in her own home for the last 6 1/2 years because it is the merciful & humane thing to do & I didn’t want all my dead dad’s savings to disappear into a black hole of mediocre care homes - ThreadSky

smithdrygoods.bsky.social • 141 days ago

Yes. I’m 55, childfree. I gave up the business I built for decades to care for my disabled, now 90 year old, mother in her own home for the last 6 1/2 years because it is the merciful & humane thing to do & I didn’t want all my dead dad’s savings to disappear into a black hole of mediocre care homes

Reposted from Faine Greenwood

I suspect people sneering at this have just had the extreme good fortune of not having to figure out care for aging family members - *so far*.

It’s a problem that impacts almost everyone, and women carry most of the burden of giving up careers and earnings to compensate for the lack of support.

Comments

trishpaton.bsky.social•141 days ago

Very similar; retired early when employer’s “remote work policy” (original from 2000) was revised to be basically a you-can’t policy (max 2 days/wk, deputy minister approval). Her health isn’t awful, but she’d broken her hip and that’s all it takes to start downward slide health-wise.

smithdrygoods.bsky.social•141 days ago

It can really decline fast, yeah. I hope you are doing ok 💕

trishpaton.bsky.social•140 days ago

Same to you, it’s a tough gig! We’re doing okay, it’s mostly been a big jump in physical frailty & of course general anesthesia & age are not good companions. But she still gets around and is well enough we can spend summers at the farm.

smithdrygoods.bsky.social•140 days ago

Oh I’m glad to hear there are still good things and it’s not the worst 💕

quiltgrdnr.bsky.social•141 days ago

I am lucky in that my care adventure didn't start until after I retired, and my mom is independent enough to stay in her place with me giving her some extra help, but the future of this looks a bit scary. I feel for you. ❤️

smithdrygoods.bsky.social•141 days ago

Thanks, kindly. Will you move in if she becomes unable to care for herself?

quiltgrdnr.bsky.social•141 days ago

We would probably move her to our house if it came to that. We are lucky in that there are many good retirement communities here. We are shopping for an apartment for her where she can have extra support. There is a nice community about a mile and a half from us that she is interested in.

quiltgrdnr.bsky.social•141 days ago

My husband and I are on a waiting list for a house in a different community. The waiting list is quite long - 8-10 years, maybe more. We found this out when friends of ours were trying to get in to a place. We decided to sign up now, and by the time our name comes up we should be about ready!

quiltgrdnr.bsky.social•141 days ago

I don't want to do this to my daughter. At least I have a brother who can back me up in an emergency. I only had one kid.

smithdrygoods.bsky.social•141 days ago

You are so thoughtful to make plans that don’t rely on your daughter. My parents didn’t think ahead & my mom is devastated she’s done this to me, also incredibly grateful. But, if you are on good terms, be sure to let your daughter help. Eventually get her on your bank accounts, health care proxy

smithdrygoods.bsky.social•141 days ago

Good plan! I basically brought the nursing home into mom’s house with assistive medical equipment, it’s not crazy expensive. I’m so grateful dad turned a 1st floor closet into a 1/2 bath. I just wish it had a wheelchair accessible sink.

quiltgrdnr.bsky.social•141 days ago

That's a good workaround. Accessibility is an problem in our house too. We live in a split level. Stairs to do anything. Luckily mom is still walking at this point - she has different issues.

smithdrygoods.bsky.social•141 days ago

Stairs!! I have come to loathe stairs lol

beamdriver.bsky.social•140 days ago

My wife and I cared for her mother in our home for over a year and a half. It ruined my wife's health and nearly destroyed our marriage.

The day we moved her into a care home was one of the happiest of my life. She spent down nearly $300k of savings in less that three years.

smithdrygoods.bsky.social•140 days ago

Yikes, whatever it is we’re doing here, we’re doing it wrong for sure. I was incredibly worried about the strain on my marriage. I’m having a slow motion mental breakdown but keeping it together so far. Physical health is ok so far save chronic back soreness. Thanks for sharing your story

beamdriver.bsky.social•140 days ago

I don't know if there's a right or wrong way to do any of this. The most we can hope for is least worst. I have a lot of regrets over how I handled things, but, at the time, it seemed like the best way forward.

Best to you and your family. I hope you come out the other side of this OK.

smithdrygoods.bsky.social•140 days ago

I hear you, thanks, kindly. I think it will take years to recover but hopefully I’ll be ok in the long run. Anyway I know I won’t regret doing the right thing, helping a helpless person that everyone else walked away from.