Speaking of this - does anyone want the story about how this incident nearly (accidentally) killed me? - ThreadSky

Speaking of this - does anyone want the story about how this incident nearly (accidentally) killed me?

Well, it wasn't when my mother was pretending to be a piece of shrubbery to spy on the neighbours, I can tell you that much

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shortestwitch.bsky.social•3 days ago

Alright, so this story begins sometime before my parents moved. They lived for many years on the edge of a small mining village. their house and my childhood home backed onto farmers fields. The view was spectacular, and after 17 years there, they built a housing estate around the house.

shortestwitch.bsky.social•3 days ago

What you have to understand is that my parents (but mostly my mum) hate people, they are veritable shut-ins. And suddenly they're SURROUNDED. My mother promptly goes insane. She decides she needs to move house.

shortestwitch.bsky.social•3 days ago

So, that's the background info. The story takes place in a cafe in Newcastle, where my parents have decided to buy my partner and I lunch. My mother is on, what i'd call, "top form", so I am keen to eat my Mediterranean vegetable hash and get the hell out of there. I'm basically inhaling it.

shortestwitch.bsky.social•3 days ago

Then, without ANY PROMPTING WHATSOEVER, my mother starts talking about how she's been spying on the neighbours and said, without a single trace irony "I spent all of Thursday pretending to be a bush."

shortestwitch.bsky.social•3 days ago

I lose it and start laughing. My mother has chronic fatigue and arthritis but she's been crouched in the hedge seeing what these normal people with their cats and bungalows are up to??? My mother, primly says "it's not funny. It was a very leafy bush."

shortestwitch.bsky.social•3 days ago

I redouble my laughter, and at that point wedge some sort of Mediterranean vegetable in my throat. I cannot fucking breathe. I'm sitting there thinking "she's finally fucking killed me. I'm going to die and it's because my mother was pretending to be a FUCKING SHRUBBERY"

shortestwitch.bsky.social•3 days ago

You'll get this story in the morning, fori am too snoozy to tell it right now

thylema.bsky.social•3 days ago

If you insist (I am very curious)

rickoder.bsky.social•3 days ago

Nothing could have prepared me for this.
Well done.

rickoder.bsky.social•3 days ago

That teaser does beg for elaboration.

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