He’s choking a lot, which is terrifying. I’ve learned to use a suction machine, on top of the other machines, to clear his throat. He’s scared and pissed off all of the time, and he wants to be here. He isn’t ready to die and I admire his will, even as I grieve. I haven’t been working. - ThreadSky

lizzhuerta.bsky.social • 59 days ago

He’s choking a lot, which is terrifying. I’ve learned to use a suction machine, on top of the other machines, to clear his throat. He’s scared and pissed off all of the time, and he wants to be here. He isn’t ready to die and I admire his will, even as I grieve. I haven’t been working.

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lizzhuerta.bsky.social•59 days ago

I depleted the little savings I had and had to quit therapy, my one luxury expense, because I couldn’t afford it anymore. The support groups are hard to access, either online during active care hours or across the county during rush hour. I feel like a vortex of rage and grief and frustration.

lizzhuerta.bsky.social•59 days ago

Moving back into my childhood home has brought up a lot.
Old wounds have opened up and my inner child is showing me how much I still carry: religious trauma, invisibility, judgement, being too emotional and sensitive for those around me so I’ve gone stoic, silent, dishonest about my feelings

lizzhuerta.bsky.social•59 days ago

There’s this awful feeling of not being allowed to share what I’m living. I don’t want to be the crisis friend but I’ve become the crisis friend. Friends have quietly eased away, family members say it’s too hard see him like this. Only one friend of his comes by anymore. I feel so bad for dad

lizzhuerta.bsky.social•59 days ago

I’m living in a death portal and it has completely changed me. I love my father so much. I’m grateful I have the ability to care for him and my mom and I feel lost and scared every day. I have no fucking idea who I’ll be on the other side of this. I’ve gone so inward I’ve disappeared.

lizzhuerta.bsky.social•59 days ago

I’ve been forcing myself to write a little. When I can, I get to the gym, when I move the words come, I get so excited then I get home and all love, all creative energy goes back to care, to cooking, cleaning, laundry. I used to cook/eat very clean and immigrant parents want their food, their way.

lizzhuerta.bsky.social•59 days ago

I’m tired. I’m lonely. I’m unhealthy. I think this is called ambiguous grief. I had another heartbreak this week when a close friend told me “pain and suffering” is repellant to them. Noted. Another door closed.

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