It gets fucking better! Turns out the version that's running on the production server DOES support these constraints. Fuck yeah! Now we have rogue code running in int, staging, and prod that's on nobody's dev box.
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And it's because MySQL is a bitch, my coworkers are in a rush, cheating on the SDLC, merging directly to production, and I was too much of a fucking weakling to stand up and say "no" to them! FUCKING FUCK ME FUCK I'M A LITTLE BITCH.
So now I get to go engage the ops team to hand-prune this rogue code that's on 3 servers and zero dev boxes. I spent 5 hours of my weekend and my entire Monday morning chasing this wild goose, and now I get to go eat crow with ops. Fuck! It hurts!
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Let programmers say, "no."
I bet they didn't bother coz the app's pre-prod, but all the stakeholders are watching the prod server, so like... FUCK!