sometimes you gotta sit down and say existing is the only goal i have for today nothing is wasted not even depression or anxiety or pain, and let yourself have bad days. the reaction to having a bad day is sometimes worse than the bad day itself. don't make things tougher on you.
i think the problem is not that you [center of your sense of self] don't like you [object to be liked]. instead it is you [center of your sense of self] being rejected by you [object doing the liking]. you aren't just the one doing the judging you know? you are also passing judgment on yourself!
it is hard because you are not just doing the thing, you are doing all the roles and rituals and expectations attached to doing the thing as well. there is a lot of baggage and that is what you are actually fighting. see if you can set things down a little just so you can reach out. then pick up!
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Why is reaching out for help so hard and scary? The reaching out often works and gets useful results, but it is so hard to try