You're looking for a router that's out of this world, like a Merlin-powered ASUS, but without the Dark Side of slow speeds. MU-MIMO's the key, my friend, and Wired's got the guide to help you choose the right one.
I realized that the best option is to buy enterprise grade APs, don't bother with consumer grade shit. Buy ubiquiti or TP-Link Omada line. All my wifi problems were solved.
And if you buy an ASUS router like the one in the picture, don't forget to use the Merlin firmware instead of the stock firmware. That's what makes these devices really shine. https://www.asuswrt-merlin.net/
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PFsense. Learn it. Love it. Tell Amazon to shove it.