My Grandpa Use to tell me stories of the Great Migrations of the South West Blueberry Pop tart and the seasonal Hunts when they came near Tribal Territory.
The U.S Government, Obliterated the Natural Habitat to force our people to move.
You'd be lucky enough to see a smore Pop Tart in the wild now.
They don't even cook anymore. They wouldn't recognize raw pop on a butchers rack if they saw it, let alone know how to weld it to the tart properly like grandma used to.
In Abu Dhabi, some supermarkets have special rooms “for non-Muslims only”. Press the button and the door slides open and you step into a wonderworld of prosciutto, bacon, Spam, and…Pop Tarts.
I blame the icing people. They just destroyed the poptart species by introducing all those unhealthy variants. They don't even stand up to a toaster any more. Give me the noble plain strawberry of yore.
For our sake he was toasted by the Kellogg’s marketing department
He became warm and gooey.
After about 30 seconds he emerged from the bottom
And was consumed by the victorious K-State football team
In accordance with capitalism.
He will come again in glory
To grace grocery store shelves.
I can handle the killing, it's removing all those sad, teary, googly eyes 👀 that I'm not up to, and that's before you have to sacrifice its heart to the Pillsbury Dough Boy/Man thing
Back on the farm, my dad used to take me pop tart hunting. The herds were so majestic then. The squealing sound they made has resulted in years of therapy.
Opponents on drugs can be scary. However, if I’m on an edible, I could destroy a WHOLE box of pop tarts without a guilty thought, even if they had knives.
The modern amateur hunting methodology and proclivity towards massively overpowered weapons has resulted in pop tart hunting reducing the prey to an unrecognizable mess, and as a result no pop tart hunter has managed to bring one home. We must assume the pros use nets or snares. It’s a trade secret.
I always thought of pop tarts as lembas, where did I go wrong😄
"Eat little at a time, and only at need. For these things are given to serve you when all else fails. The cakes will keep sweet for many many days, if they are unbroken and left in their leaf-wrappings,'
I've eaten things, you people wouldn't believe,... Pastries on fire off the shoulder of my oven ... I've watched pop tarts frosted in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate ... All those moments, will be lost in time like crumbs on a plate…
I normally just eat the ones from Safeway but when the pumpkin pie flavor are in season I sometimes make the trek to Target - that counts as hunting, right?
As someone that has a flock of them, its always hard to end their lives. The Buddhist in me says to cause no harm, the survivalist in me says "it must be done to survive"
I at least give them the best life I can, plenty of toasters to play with, and lots of frosting baths.
I bothered to watch Ann Reardon break down just what is in them, and I don't think I could ever eat one again, when I can make a fruit pastie that'd be better.
Real waygu pop tarts (ie toaster strudel) are only raised in one certain climate and region. If it's not grown in the freezer, you can't actually call it Waygu
it's actually a common misconception that poptarts and toaster strudels are the same breed. Poptarts need a warm climate to allow natural icing, compared to toaster strudels being in colder climates as they have thicker, fluffy outsides, and no icing until human intervention.
For shame, I have personally gone out into the fields and tackled one with my bare paws, then skinned it, and cooked it using an ancient device known as a toaster…
(Like for real though, does any one cook pop tarts anymore?)
I tried going pop tart hunting during crossbow & syringe season this year, but after I realized pop tarts could emit deadly tasty fruity squirts at 300 feet I realized they deserved to live out their natural lives.
Comments
The U.S Government, Obliterated the Natural Habitat to force our people to move.
You'd be lucky enough to see a smore Pop Tart in the wild now.
https://www.npr.org/2023/12/29/1222182226/pop-tarts-bowl-game-edible-mascot
Going to take that up if we ever get out of SoCal.
And that, folks, is why everyone from vegans to Jewish People can't eat Pop Tarts.
(Besides, it's fun to dissect it and play with the eyeball, although parents may object.)
https://www.cbssports.com/college-football/news/watch-kansas-state-devours-the-first-edible-mascot-after-pop-tarts-bowl-win-over-nc-state/
He became warm and gooey.
After about 30 seconds he emerged from the bottom
And was consumed by the victorious K-State football team
In accordance with capitalism.
He will come again in glory
To grace grocery store shelves.
He WANTED to be eaten. He was downright horny for it.
Just kidding, it was coming at me with a knife, in a drug-fueled frenzy.
…What?😆
"Eat little at a time, and only at need. For these things are given to serve you when all else fails. The cakes will keep sweet for many many days, if they are unbroken and left in their leaf-wrappings,'
You just end up eating farm raised because of convenience.
(Ranch pop tarts sound awful, to be honest)
I was more wondering if they are to be grown or raised, given the initial statement about people needing to kill one.
Not only that, I killed the Lucky Charms Leprechaun, Cap’n Crunch, and Tony the Tiger.
I confess: I’m a cereal killer.
"So much filling. it was everywhere, I still feel it under my fingernails, all these years later" I say quietly to myself.
I at least give them the best life I can, plenty of toasters to play with, and lots of frosting baths.
https://youtu.be/zl9mHPN9-u0?si=Vljjya1oxN086gzv
https://open.spotify.com/track/5SAonAPaOCBYgFyCT15I9l?si=HXOg22YLRZSGKbLX6NSNGA
(Like for real though, does any one cook pop tarts anymore?)
I like a little crispness around the edges with molten, fruit-flavored lava on the inside.
Just like momma used to make.
Put them out of their misery quickly, and then toast them like a civilized human being.
Toasters are for the weak.
It’s that they whisper thank you
After this tragic accident I had to stop. https://fox59.com/news/truck-carrying-thousands-of-pounds-of-pop-tarts-crashes-on-i-65-in-bartholomew-county/