When a good friend's loved one passes away, it can be hard to find the right thing to say. NPR readers share words of comfort they've shared with others — or wish they'd heard themselves.
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A friend died in high school and we went through the condolences line at the funeral. When I got to his mom I didn't know what to say, so I said "I don't want to be here."
She smiled gently and replied "I know honey, none of us do."
And please, stop saying you know how they feel. That's the worst thing you can say. You are negating their grief and you may have experienced something similar, but you don't know how someone else feels.
I say “I love you” and “I care about you” and “I’m going to check up with you for a while.” My check ups are just reminders that they’re loved and special. And then I just listen to what they have to say.
^^^^this right here...because people don't remember what you said as much as they remember how you made them feel and to feel loved is the best feeling even when suffering a loss.
Things Not to Say: "What you need to do is find somebody else as soon as you can. Just get back on the horse! No point in feeling miserable." ... A person actually said this to me, a week after my wife died.
I’m just thinking of the number of little old ladies that surrounded my great uncle immediately after my great aunt passed. They were pretty obvious. One moved in with him a year later. Like sharks they were, it was quite something Lol.
I'm literally the worst, especially when a parent dies, I don't know what to say, so I run away, & I don't even say I'm sorry. I literally disappear. I SUCK!! My feelings get stuck in my throat when it comes to this, & I don't know why, maybe because I don't have an adult relationship w/ my parents.
It can be a tough situation so just remember that presence and compassion are what help, not the words themself.
The only words that stuck with me after my father passed, is a friend saying “this fucking sucks”. He just acknowledged how I felt instead of trying to fix it, and that meant everything.
Early this year, a good friend was devastated to lose her only son to suicide. I only met him once, so I barely knew him. I told her, “any time you want to talk about him, I’ll be glad to listen.”
And periodically I text her and say “tell me a story about him”. This helps her feel like he hasn’t been forgotten because I want to learn more about him.
So often people stop talking about the deceased because they feel awkward, but that often makes the loss feel worse.
Nice article. My father passed 8 days ago. A friend has been checking in with me daily and showering me with extra love so I know I'm not alone. A simple text asking if you want quiet company can do wonders, even if you aren't up to it. Just knowing that people are thinking of me now helps a lot.
A friend who lost a child to an act of random violence said that she was "walking through the horrible." I have carried that with me as a way to describe grief.
As someone who lost a spouse, and thought they were "our" friends. If you are trying to comfort someone. Just be there. Don't ask what you can do to help, just help. Take over food. Offer to babysit. Don't dissappear
When my friends ex-wife died, he was really broken up and I just went and sat with him and talked about this and that and he said he really appreciated that. That I didn’t want him to be alone in his grief, even if I couldn’t share it.
Grief from losing a pet can go on for many months or longer. Some people view their pets as their children. Don’t expect them to be over the loss in a week. Lucy died at the end of June and it’s still so hard…even having a new dog. No one expects me to still be grieving her.
I think anything that comes from a place of love and respect and caring is the right thing to say. The recipient who's grieving will feel your sincerely, so it's all OK.
´I’m sorry for your loss’ is sincere and enough. People who are grieving are in a state of shock and not ready to absorb flowery phrases. Basic needs are where the focus is. Simple familiar phrases of acknowledgment are best.
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She smiled gently and replied "I know honey, none of us do."
you both spoke well and true, she was probably relieved to not have to pretend for a moment
fuckin nobody wants to be at a funeral, no matter how close or far removed from the casket we are
The only words that stuck with me after my father passed, is a friend saying “this fucking sucks”. He just acknowledged how I felt instead of trying to fix it, and that meant everything.
So often people stop talking about the deceased because they feel awkward, but that often makes the loss feel worse.
"grief is just love with no place to go"