One of my defense mechanisms is making myself to be the bad guy, but not in a victim way. Like "yeah, I hope they hate me! I hope they tell stories about how much I fucked everything up no matter how long I spent tearing my heart out for them!" I'd rather think I'm the lion than the dead gazelle - ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

maximjdev.bsky.social • 2 days ago

One of my defense mechanisms is making myself to be the bad guy, but not in a victim way. Like "yeah, I hope they hate me! I hope they tell stories about how much I fucked everything up no matter how long I spent tearing my heart out for them!"

I'd rather think I'm the lion than the dead gazelle

Comments

maximjdev.bsky.social•2 days ago

It's not healthy making myself evil and cruel to not deal with the fact the onus is on others. It's a corruption of a deep belief that life must be fair, and if I was good people would be good to me.

The fact that is not true hurts more than thinking I'm the one who must be bad.

arjo.bsky.social•2 days ago

It's so difficult to unlearn these feelings. Making excuses for those who mistreat you, agreeing with them when they justify their shitty behavior by nitpicking things you did wrong. Incidents even from years ago holding the same weight as something that's happening right that moment.

It blows.

maximjdev.bsky.social•2 days ago

It really helped me to learn that the subconscious doesn't understand time. In your mind, the trauma is then and now forever every time someone touches that wound.

It really sucks, but it means that the you that was hurt can also be healed through you now (with a therapist worth their salt)

arjo.bsky.social•2 days ago

Thank you, I'm hoping to start some form of therapy in May, actually. I've gotten more cognizant that a lot of my issues came from trying to process things on my own, and rationalizing ideas that ended up more harmful than helpful.

artisticleo.bsky.social•2 days ago

This exact pretense has burned me out of more jobs than I care to recollect, only by finally having someone who knows better at my side have I outlasted others for a change.

maximjdev.bsky.social•2 days ago

Sorry you had to deal with that too, Leo

remwithpen.bsky.social•1 day ago

Yeah, I can understand this. I was raised to hold myself as personally responsible for both parents and siblings emotions. Keeping household peace and happiness was often forced on me

It is easy to see yourself as failing, or a monster when people are upset, even when it has nothing to do with you.