Had a conversation with a client today about the ways we pathologize abusive men to explain/justify their behaviour. I hear it all the time when I tell my story, too; that my abuser must have been mentally ill, struggling, etc. Truth is, a lot of men beat women because they benefit from it. - ThreadSky

julieslalonde.bsky.social • 35 days ago

Had a conversation with a client today about the ways we pathologize abusive men to explain/justify their behaviour.

I hear it all the time when I tell my story, too; that my abuser must have been mentally ill, struggling, etc.

Truth is, a lot of men beat women because they benefit from it.

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mercurygirl.bsky.social•35 days ago

Abusers ARE often first traumatized and scarred by abuse; they are the ones who fail to face their trauma, and so project it outward. It doesn't excuse them, it tells us that abuse, like fascism, is banal. To seize upon power and use it to harm others is not the behavior of a thriving psyche.

ane-sofie.bsky.social•35 days ago

I'll take the bear.

lepewter.bsky.social•35 days ago

While some abusive men may feel they benefit from the violence, I have to believe there is always a pathology behind such behaviour. I would rather be loved than feared.

lepewter.bsky.social•35 days ago

To be clear, I do NOT excuse such behaviour. And, I do not doubt that many (most?) of these men feel that they derive a benefit from the violence. But, for them to consider their actions from a purely cost/benefit point-of-view seems pathological to me. I struggle to understand them.

onthesidelines5.bsky.social•34 days ago

I have yet to read the article but my ex believed in the 'tear them down to build them up the way you want' approach to wives and children and staff. I know a lot of how he treated others came from his strict, religious, shame based upbringing but I don't see that as an excuse.

lepewter.bsky.social•34 days ago

I have difficulty comprehending such a mindset. And, while upbringing may help explain it, it certainly doesn't excuse it. Sounds like you are better off being an ex.

onthesidelines5.bsky.social•34 days ago

Very much so.

zimzen.bsky.social•35 days ago

If it truly was pathology men who abuse their wives would also beat the guy they work with, the mailman, a neighbour, their sibling, etc. etc. etc. Instead, they beat only their wives, and in private. This is clearly controlled and chosen behaviour. Not behaviour driven by some pathology.

lepewter.bsky.social•35 days ago

I don't mean to suggest that the behaviour of abusers stems entirely from some sort of pathology. I would suspect there is an inherent cowardice in their actions, as well. And, in some cases, violent behaviour isn't confined to the immediate family.

onthesidelines5.bsky.social•34 days ago

📌

david--p.bsky.social•35 days ago

Very hard to "like" this...

reverendblair.bsky.social•35 days ago

A lot of abusive men are mentally ill, going through a rough time, or whatever. So what? So are a lot of non-abusive men. It might be something society needs to address, but it isn't an excuse for abusive behaviour. Not ever.

a4rdvark.bsky.social•35 days ago

Chilling.

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