And while I made the conscious decision a decade ago to not pursue an art related dayjob - my hobby turned into what I feared would happen if I chose it as a dayjob: A chore. And I still feel it nag at me. I want to draw, but I don't want to draw.
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Times are chaotic, there's a lot of turmoil politically and in the "real world", and I never wanted to let it seep into my online persona/work. But frankly, I'm scared. It's scary. Life out there? It's scary, and we as a species manage to make things a whole shit ton worse with each passing day.
Back then, I used art as an outlet. As something to unwind, to express myself, to "escape" into a world that seemed so much nicer. I still do that - but my focus shifted, as I grow older and work more, I have even less time for the things I really like.
And I learned that it's okay to step back.
Now does this mean I want to quit art forever? Fuck no! But it sort of faded out of my immediate perception, my immediate focus. I've suffered a severe injury last year and was knocked out for the past months especially, and I feel like I'm still recovering. I don't want to "grind". I want to heal.
I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, and I don't mean to complain. Overall, I'm in a good place, I'm not in immediate danger of war, politics, climate change. I'm living a fairly comfortable life. But I searched for things that are going wrong, and felt worse for it.
It's okay to take a step back, to feel into yourself, see what's important to you. And it's okay to not be creative or productive in your free time. Hell, I've been a fucking sloth and I still feel bad about it, because I always thought I had this responsibility. To you guys.
And to myself, too. But that was overshadowed by having an audience - which I still do, and I still appreciate each and every one of you - but... yeah. This is kind of why I've been MIA for these past months. I want to feel good and positive about art again. And until then, I'll take it slow.
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And I learned that it's okay to step back.