"I need to get away from the man. But I need to do it in a way that doesn’t anger him. This is the tricky bit. Men who lack social awareness or empathy often also lack other skills in emotional management."
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"But when men are socialized to identify their humanness as masculinity and to associate masculinity with power, we get some real problems. These are the problems of patriarchy. "
I love this - especially because the pushback in male spaces to "toxic masculinity" is "fuck off, you're just saying that masculinity is toxic." Drawing the line so clearly between this *specific* understanding of masculinity helps get the point across that there are other ways men can choose to be.
Yes. I've always heard "toxic masculinity" as implying the existence of non-toxic masculinity rather than saying all masculinity is toxic, but many people hear the other.
"That combination of poor emotional skillsets and a desire to get closer is exactly what puts me in danger. If I deny his attempts at closeness by leaving or setting a boundary, he could feel frustrated, rejected, or ashamed."
"If he doesn’t know how to recognize or manage those feelings, he’s likely to experience them as anger. And then I’m a solo woman stuck in a forest with an angry man, which is exactly what women are most afraid of."
"I need to deescalate any signs of aggression, guide the man into a state of emotional balance, and exit the situation safely, all at once. This process requires all of my attention, energy, and intellect. It’s really hard."
"I’ve been in this position so many times that it exhausts me just to write about it. Sometimes, it’s not that I’m afraid of men; I’m just really, really tired."
As someone who has also done a lot of solo traveling - tho usually more urban than nature - extremely all of this.
That part about how complex and tiring it all is was one of my favorite parts. Super piece all around.
I've gotten the same questions she gets about being afraid to travel alone, and I'm going to cities! In terms of risk level not too different from my life at home.
I still look back in horror at that one night (then presumed female) I got stuck in the rain in a big park with a dude who didn't understand any variation of "I'd rather be alone". After excruciating hours of small talk, I mentioned a made up a bf for the 2nd time(!) and he finally pissed off
Extremely good article. I also liked her favourite quote by Prentis Hemphill - “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
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"But when men are socialized to identify their humanness as masculinity and to associate masculinity with power, we get some real problems. These are the problems of patriarchy. "
That said,, it's an excellent article. Maybe we should condense the idea down to a children's book that can be read at libraries and kindergartens 🤔
As someone who has also done a lot of solo traveling - tho usually more urban than nature - extremely all of this.
I've gotten the same questions she gets about being afraid to travel alone, and I'm going to cities! In terms of risk level not too different from my life at home.
That's some of the check boxes for sociopathy, fwiw.