“How are you?” seems like such a simple question… unless you’re autistic Because then you’re thinking: - Do you mean in general? Or just today? - Compared to yesterday? Last week? - How much detail to give? - How honest to be? - Are you asking about my mood, health, work, family, social… all of it? - ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

neuro-observant.bsky.social • 7 days ago

“How are you?” seems like such a simple question… unless you’re autistic

Because then you’re thinking:
- Do you mean in general? Or just today?
- Compared to yesterday? Last week?
- How much detail to give?
- How honest to be?
- Are you asking about my mood, health, work, family, social… all of it?

Comments

wifamilymed.bsky.social•7 days ago

Or maybe answer “I’m on the right side of the dirt”, meaning you’re alive and well.

wifamilymed.bsky.social•7 days ago

That is an explanation a normie like me never thinks about. How interesting!
If you want to give the asker a puzzled look, how about you answer like in Norway:

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jimmylabe.bsky.social•7 days ago

when he arrived in the USA, Zen master Hisamatsu was greeted with "How are you?"
He replied, "I don't KNOW how."

tonybones.bsky.social•7 days ago

I figured out a long time ago that "normal" people greet each other by asking questions they don't want the answer to and it really helped with my mental health.

purelikegreen.bsky.social•7 days ago

When I get asked 'how are you?" I answer 'I don't know yet' or ' I think I'm okay, I've not asked myself yet'. I don't go around thinking about how I'm doing. I don't have that answer to hand. There's a lot of evaluation to be done in the 2 second gap which you have to respond.

elleinadatset.bsky.social•6 days ago

I’ve developed this phrase as a cheat code, “can’t complain, can’t brag, who would listen either way”. That typically thins out who authentically wants a truthful response & who is just using neurotypical pleasantries. Bonus; fun to watch them be just as confused as we were when asked “how are you.”

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

There can be a LOT to think about and not even enough time to do that part before answering

Many of us (myself included) have learned the usual generic scripts to get through this question

But sometimes, I don’t want to mask

I want to be honest
I want to be seen
I want to connect

robertaudhd.bsky.social•7 days ago

🙋🏻

kaiao.fi•7 days ago

English is my second language, so I treat "How are you?" as a phrase, not an actual question, and answe accordingly. In Finnish, it is trickier. Here, some honest detail or anecdote is expected, but it must not be too upsetting or uncomfortable. That isn't easy for anyone struggling in some way...

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

It was only during my first job after university that I realised it’s often a phrase more than a question (but it still depends on the person asking it and where/ when). The Finnish scenario sounds much more difficult. Do you prepare answers in advance to help fulfil those expectations?

kaiao.fi•7 days ago

Having lived in this culture all my life, I have learned a range of acceptable responses. Some small piece of good news/an interesting place I've visited recently/ mentioning having run into a mutual acquintance recently are some possible good choices. Still, I much prefer more specific questions!

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

I see :) If it’s ok to ask, how do you find the experience of autism within Finnish culture? I remember reading some accounts by autistic people who moved there (from England, I think), saying they felt more accepted/ comfortable because of things like how there was a greater respect for personal

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

space and introversion plus less physical contact expected during social interactions. Is this how you would describe it too?

happiestwabook.bsky.social•7 days ago

Sympathise on this. I'm not keen on being that question unless it's somone who might genuninely want to know how I am. I know why they do it but if people aren't interested to be honest I'd rather they didn't ask, as why bother if they aren't.

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

Yeah, I think I have very mixed feelings about it for exactly those reasons! It’s like I both do & don’t understand why people do it but that doesn’t mean I fully agree with it🤣 All I can say with 100% certainty is that if I ask, I genuinely care/ would like to know! And I wish others were the same😅

sleepydwagonman.bsky.social•7 days ago

He he he whenever anyone asks if I'm ok, I mentally go down the list of what's giving Broken status flags and then reply "yeah am good" :-D

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

Aww, whatever works! I have many of those flags too! 😅

pbsaurus.bsky.social•7 days ago

I often respond with something to the effect of "How am I what? Can you elaborate on your question?

zanwrites.bsky.social•7 days ago

I’ve gotten accustomed to defaulting to things like “I’m here!” 🥴

lunchpailchris.bsky.social•7 days ago

I’ve had to adjust my general answer of “still breathing” because too many people thought I was “being negative”. Now I have to force some happy emotion and fake it till I make it. It’s just so much easier if people stopped asking me how I am doing.

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

Oh no… I use a similar phrase sometimes. I hope that’s not seen as too negative by others as well 😕

I do find a lot of people don’t understand the reality of living with things like disability, chronic illness, mental health issues etc so then we feel pressured to “plaster over” our

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

experiences to keep things comfortable for them or try hide things we’ve been made to feel are shameful or “not to be talked about”

lunchpailchris.bsky.social•7 days ago

Yeah it is even more difficult in my industry (construction & CM) where throughout my life in it, there has been a certain “roughneck” culture that forces you to hide your disability & bury your emotions and feelings deep down in order to fit in & be accepted. The culture has improved over the years

lunchpailchris.bsky.social•7 days ago

Since I started in this industry over 30 years ago, but really only in the sense of recognizing race & gender. This culture still doesn’t respect mental health that much & for me it means being ostracized & isolated unless I put on an act. I must pretend to be someone else in my professional life.

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

I get that. Whilst I am trying to be more open, every time I mention I’m autistic, have mental health issues or am disabled, I immediately start wondering/ worrying if that was the right thing to do because unless I get explicit positive feedback that seem genuine, I never know if I’ll

neurodivergentequity.org•7 days ago

Since it’s an empty nonreciprocal greeting, I usually treat it as such and respond with a simple “hello” or “it’s good to see you” to reflect how I really feel in a bid of vulnerability/transparency.

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

That makes sense. I sometimes say “I’m not great but am glad to be here”!

afriendlycard.bsky.social•7 days ago

I always revert to the weather. I pay attention to weather, everyone experiences it, they may find the topic boring/pointless but it rarely comes off as peculiar. It's safe. Socially padded for the comfort of all.

aaronmcanada.bsky.social•7 days ago

NT: How are you?

Me: ::long, deep sigh:: Well…

magus-smillsoid.bsky.social•7 days ago

I just answer with a brutal appraisal of my current mental health. This shocks people.

puddlesofcustard.bsky.social•6 days ago

jokumitsu.bsky.social•6 days ago

I have just learned to say good

actual-intell.bsky.social•7 days ago

Smashed it! What do I win?

comradekidfur.bsky.social•7 days ago

For me, I've interpreted this question as "is there anything appropriate to the environment that you would be willing to share for the sake of conversation?" Idk if that helps others

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

Yeah, that definitely helps a bit! Sometimes I’m not sure what’s appropriate or relevant though, especially if I’m wanting to bond with people despite it being a more formal or purpose-driven context that we’re meeting (e.g. work, volunteering)

iridesce.xyz•7 days ago

I've never thought of it that way but that's a good way of putting what NTs actually mean when they ask how are you

joaquindead.bsky.social•7 days ago

The correct answer is always “good”. It’s not actually a question; it’s the first half of a ritual that is meaningless in a literal sense. “how are you/good” just means “hi, we are both polite people”

urbanpoet.bsky.social•7 days ago

My ND daughter can't do that because she receives info in the literal sense. She doesn't get "ritual", and if she says good when she's not, then she perceives it as a lie, which she never does. She always asks for clarification.

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

I can relate to that. I feel uneasy too about answering “good” even when I’m not. So sometimes I say “not bad” because “good” is too much of a lie… but even then, I’m thinking about how “not bad” isn’t entirely accurate either (just more of an an acceptable compromise) 😅

joaquindead.bsky.social•7 days ago

I’m not trying to fix autism, I’m just always perseveratingly curious when things don’t make sense to me, which is why I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere on the spectrum. Can “ritual” be understood like an x in an algebraic equation— that is, not in itself but in terms of what it does?

joaquindead.bsky.social•7 days ago

Like: Okay, “ritual” is inherently meaningless, but serves the purpose of a shorthand code that saves time. Instead of having to inefficiently articulate everything and talk about complicated emotions, we agree to skip past them and get to business.

old-sidewalks.bsky.social•7 days ago

I've never liked those kinds of greetings/phrases to answer.

zenbeach.bsky.social•6 days ago

Literally why I don’t answer

I deflect it back to them so I don’t lie.

alpha-aurora.bsky.social•7 days ago

Right? I despise small talk for this reason

hhexo.org•7 days ago

Not to mention the opposite: having to ask the question as a conversation starter... when "how the other person is" is really their business, and technically we shouldn't even have a right to pry. 😅

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

Yeah, it can depend on who’s asking. And one of the worst situations is when they’re asking but don’t actually care! 😅 I remember being asked then not even being given time to answer (“Hi, how are you, can you do this please”) because it’s just a generic phrase that’s used to open an interaction >.<

simonb202.bsky.social•7 days ago

Same answer I give at interviews, "Do you want a real answer or one that lets you stay comfortable?"

emilyrose.bsky.social•7 days ago

Most of the time, it’s not a real question, it’s just part of an NT social ritual. It’s like a handshake. They say “how are you?” And you say “I’m fine, thanks. You?” Then they say “I’m alright, thanks,” and the ritual is complete.

emilyrose.bsky.social•7 days ago

Note that “fine” and “alright” can be substituted for other generally positive but not overly enthusiastic adjectives, eg “good,” “pretty well,” “not bad,” etc.

If you’ve been sick, and the other person definitely already knows this, you may also indicate that you’re improving, eg “getting better.”

emilyrose.bsky.social•7 days ago

The important thing to know is it’s not a genuine question (with some exceptions, eg if the person asking is your doctor or therapist), and there are clear and explicit rules you can memorize about how to answer. You can even choose one answer to use every time. It’s a scripted exchange!

sarracopia.bsky.social•7 days ago

This is true. But being a scripted exchange doesn't make it any less of a minefield for us. Our tone has to be right. Our timing. Our eye contact. It's meaningless to them and it's a source of huge anxiety for many NDs. I've been mistreated by people who just "thought I was weird" when they met me.

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

I wish I had known all that back in my 20s when I struggled with it the most ❤️ Appreciate the thoughts :) Do you think you should always follow the rules? I find that harder to navigate when it’s someone I truly want to get to know better/ have an authentic relationship with, plus

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

not being honest bothers me (even though I guess no one else cares and people tend to expect a standard, positive response rather than anything meaningful)

emilyrose.bsky.social•7 days ago

Don’t *always* follow them, but most of the time. If it’s someone you’re really close to, and you think they genuinely want to know, you can be more honest (but still don’t just dive right in to the heavy stuff, just go with something like “not great,” and let them ask for more if they want it).

neuro-observant.bsky.social•7 days ago

Yeah, this is generally what I have been trying to do (alongside hoping that if I’m authentic and disclose a little, others might too, rather than sticking to the generic pleasantries). Good to know you have similar ideas!

emilyrose.bsky.social•7 days ago

If you’re still getting to know them, though, wait for other opportunities to move towards sharing more. You can give a sort of lower neutral, deflated answer (eg “could be worse” or “hanging in there”), and see if they ask for more, but don’t just dump on them in the equivalent of a handshake.

ninamega.bsky.social•7 days ago

I've started just replying "yes" which makes not one iota of sense but does get people to move swiftly on, proving that it's not a real question anyway

leslieob.bsky.social•7 days ago

Lmao, I love this and may start using it!