There are two types of "weather" friends and they are both a bit awful unless you happen to have a perfect balance of both and no real need for relationship continuity, and then it's awesome (thread).
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We're all pretty familiar with "fair weather friends." They can't get enough of you when you're fun and famous and rich and happy. They bask in your light and run for cover the minute you're sad or need help. Laugh and they laugh with you, cry and you cry alone. They get a LOT of hate.
But there's something to me even slightly more insidious about "foul weather friends." If you're in a crisis, they can literally save your life, so you can't help but be grateful for them. There's no limit to the complaints they can commiserate with or the hugs they can dispense to poor you.
But there's something deeply demoralizing about the way they vanish when you're happy. As though they're punishing you for solving your own problems and can only care about you when your paradigm matches their own: misery.
It makes you realize you existed for them only so long as you supported their worldview: that life is stressful hell, an unending trash fire. They don't want to see that happiness is possible, because that means they've failed personally to find it. Or something.
I'm in a weird position right now where my foul weather friends SHOULD adore me for dying of cancer, but they stay away because I don't seem unhappy enough about it, and that unnerves them and makes them feel judged for their own unhappiness.
And my fair weather friends are uncomfortable because I keep having to mention chemo and other gross things, plus there is little likelihood of my being popular, famous, or rich now.
But I no longer need the balance of friend-weather I thrived on during my roller coaster years.
I just moved my entire social life (other than my partner) online. Especially online gaming. It's a much better environment for people who need to disappear sometimes and then jump back in when ready.
Only close friend with CFS I ever had was through WoW but she unfortunately was a foul weather friend. Once my first book was published she seemed to find my happiness pretty insufferable. I still loved and appreciated her, but I wasn't about to go back to hating my life to please her.
This is why I don't like the "battle" metaphor with cancer. I do not want to spend what remains of my life doing elephants and chariots. I take care of myself as best I can but mostly focus away from the implacable mountain and toward transcendence.
You know, each time I see your name I think of a Buddhist Sutra where a king has a messenger run in and say 'A mountain range is rushing from the North crushing everything in its path. 3 more messengers come from the other directions and say the same thing - hang on, I'll link it..
Space Engineers ftw :) Sister, I'm with ya about online but I have to say there isn't enough nourishment for me. I need real 121 conversation and an occasional hug.
Hugs are great. I don't have any L.A. friends, sadly, but I lucked out with partner and kids despite being a bit of a mess when I met the partner. He's a straight up saint. I think there's a friend for everyone and it's a numbers game. I aggressively made lots of friends knowing I'd lose 99%.
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You don't get to ask. They're gone.
But I no longer need the balance of friend-weather I thrived on during my roller coaster years.
This is why I don't like the "battle" metaphor with cancer. I do not want to spend what remains of my life doing elephants and chariots. I take care of myself as best I can but mostly focus away from the implacable mountain and toward transcendence.