a life worth living is apparently out of my price range, but at least I can use my body, the only thing of any value that I have, to farm meaningless engagement. hooray.
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blanket response to well wishers: the “rough spot” I’m in is my life. I’ve been in crisis mode for 15 years, the only difference has been how well I can avoid thinking about how fucked I am. I can’t afford anything. I can’t go anywhere. I can’t do anything. anything I do is a bad financial move.
every meager pleasure I indulge in comes at the direct cost of me being completely fucked in even the mildest of emergencies. and even if I cut out every source of joy from my life I’d still be only kinda fucked all the time, rather than completely fucked all the time. so what is the point.
and my job is giving me carpal tunnel and a bad back, and right now it feels like I’m being held hostage at work because I can’t afford to lose any hours so even if I’m having panic attacks on the floor I just have to hope no one sees so I can just get through the day and get my paycheck.
all of my PTO gets bled out from days that I’m sick or I threw my back out or whatever, so the only time off I have is to suffer. I took a 4 day weekend for my birthday and couldn’t afford to do anything or go anywhere, and now I feel guilty about even doing that because of this bullshit week.
did I mention on here that last Sunday, the first day of covid symptoms, I also got a flat tire? and then yesterday the spare tire literally FELL OFF of the wheel so I unknowingly drove to work on three tires and a bare rim? great. great great great.
I could barely walk on Friday because of a mystery pain in my ankle that I can’t afford to think about, luckily that’s mysteriously mostly gone away by now but what the actual fuck, my body is falling apart.
I was in a particularly difficult spot a few years ago. Adulting can be so overwhelming at times, and life just keeps on marching without a rest, totally unrelenting at times. Hopefully, you're able to turn things around or catch a break, and things improve. 🫂
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Sorry to hear you're feeling down. And there's more to you than just a body. ❤️