My hot take tonight is that non hierarchical poly is some shit that 20 year olds think is achievable. If I've been in a relationship with you for 15 years and you start dating a new person this week, bet your ass there's a hierarchy.
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It's actually disingenuous to pretend that there isn't, and in practice a lot of insisting there isn't a hierarchy actually is cover for instituting a hierarchy where the new shiny beats out the old and tired relationship or where the new partner is the squeaky wheel.
It's far too common to ignore the tenured relationship for the sake of "investing" in the new relationship as if you can speedrun trust and shared commitment. This isn't ethical or equitable, it's actually shitty to the existing partner.
People act like this hierarchy is necessarily a bad thing but I'd counter that trying to speedrun a relationship with someone you're still getting to know is a bad thing! Especially with large networks it is impossible to treat everyone the same and for everyone to have the same expectations.
The more important thing is for expectations to be communicated and clear. It's not enough for the hinge partner to have the desire for this non hierarchical arrangement, the existing partners have to also align their expectations with this desire, and we only have so much ability to control others.
Tldr it's cute to say you're non hierarchical poly but if you get a new partner and suddenly they've got 100% of your time and attention and I have to fight for scraps, there's a hierarchy, you put me on the bottom, and I'm gonna be pissed about it regardless of what you say.
Look I get what you're going for here but that's a *very* specific example of someone getting way too much NRE and becoming dangerously infatuated with a new love. Of course that's going to create some imbalance - but...
What you're describing here is NRE or New Relationship Energy, and that can be felt entirely differently by different people in different situations. It's actually what my icon here is about, with the vomiting rainbow being how someone experiences it. The other partner is enjoying it!
And sometimes those who were there when it was written need to understand that the world has changed around them, and that just because they've been around the block doesn't mean they know everything or get to gatekeep the community or ignore other voices.
To Clarify, I said "the entire polyamorous community who are currently managing that", as in, I am specifically referring to those of us who *are* managing it, this is a big wedge of the pie - not the whole thing.
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Is it achievable? Don't insult the entire polyamorous community who are currently managing that in their sleep, of course it's achievable.
Not all poly relationships start as established mono relationships first, either.