A friend asked me a question that I don’t have a good answer to, so I’m crowdsourcing. What are some *subtle* red flags (in a dating/social context) that a guy is sexist, or likely to behave in misogynistic ways once in an intimate relationship, especially if he’s got a good feminist mask on? - ThreadSky

everickert.bsky.social • 81 days ago

A friend asked me a question that I don’t have a good answer to, so I’m crowdsourcing. What are some *subtle* red flags (in a dating/social context) that a guy is sexist, or likely to behave in misogynistic ways once in an intimate relationship, especially if he’s got a good feminist mask on?

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nokaydokie.bsky.social•81 days ago

I agree they aren’t always easy to see/present in the beginning. How they treat wait staff is usually a good one. It doesn’t have to be them yelling at a waiter. It can be them being indifferent, not saying thank you. Maybe not apologising about being late when meeting up. I’m going to think now.

nokaydokie.bsky.social•81 days ago

I know one that often comes up is how one takes a change in plans. Or if you say no to something.

everickert.bsky.social•80 days ago

Yeah. Those are classics, and for a reason. But I feel like a lot of guys are savvy enough now to pass those filters. Like, one of the guys who treated me the shittiest once we were in a relationship was very good at consent….at first. Especially physical consent.

everickert.bsky.social•80 days ago

Though he was a real jerk about a friend’s covid boundaries early on. I almost ended things then, but he apologized and shaped up. It was his first offence, and so many people are shitty about covid…

nokaydokie.bsky.social•79 days ago

I’d put being shitty about Covid on the list except that’s almost everyone still these days.

hoperhenderson.bsky.social•81 days ago

IME, red flags are not always present early – the idea that we can learn to see who is gonna be harmful before it happens is super appealing but just not always true. people are often their youngest, most unhealed, & most unreformed selves only as a relationship deepens

hoperhenderson.bsky.social•81 days ago

so yeah, pay attention to whether he is friend w/ women he doesn’t want to bang, how he talks about exes, etc AND make sure your boundaries are firm + you have your own $ bc research shows abusive behavior often *starts* after a new stage of commitment (moving in, getting married, pregnancy, etc)

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