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It sounds impossible but not only is it probable, it's a certainty that if your spouse or partner does your laundry, the load will contain zero (0) matching socks.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

h e l p

submitted 304 days ago • 17 comments

Bluesky is a magical place where people from all walks of life come together to ignore their loved ones

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

A dad sneeze so powerful, they have to adjust the 10 day weather outlook.

submitted 2 days ago • 15 comments

It's not really a fight until they ban each other's accounts on their own social platforms.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Been offline for a bit—hope all the political interpersonal relationships are progressing amicably!

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

Single and...

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

Detective: we seized his computer but his search history is clean. Nothing but 500 variations of “how to be funny online”

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

Having a kid is wild, like “let me grow a person inside my body who will eventually mock me relentlessly”

submitted 46 days ago • 7 comments

She's Just Not That Into You(r Skeets)

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

FACT: humans evolved from apes, though apes deny this out of complete embarrassment.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Wife: Ugh! More spam from your friend's dispensary! Me: It's a hashed email, Karen. Wife: throws her phone at me

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Good morning to my mute-you-alls.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

[American Revolution] Then: Give me liberty or give me death! Now: Give me liberty or give me biberty!

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

The Pinnacle of shampoo technology was reached when Herbal Essences made you orgasm just by washing your hair.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Just a minute, honey. I want to post another joke that no one will read.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Rekt.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

As a woman in her 50s I often wonder if I’ve become irrelevant. But then I remember I’m kinda goated and giving main character energy so no stress just vibes

submitted 4 days ago • 6 comments

Be nice to people. Remember: they may be dealing with something you care nothing about.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

Fragile Items Section: You break it, you buy it. Fragile Egos Section: You buy it, you break it.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Are You Smarter Than A Masturbator

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Not trying to brag but I look amazing with 47 filters

submitted 9 days ago • 3 comments

What can I say? The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood and oxygen around the body to various organs.

submitted 9 days ago • 2 comments

I'm in total control of my emotions so long as I don't watch anything sadder than Wheel of Fortune

submitted 10 days ago • 23 comments

I have 2 degrees yet regularly forget to go to the bathroom until it’s almost too late

submitted 9 days ago • 10 comments

Aquaman crying in the sushi restaurant

submitted 9 days ago • 16 comments

[aliens arriving at Earth] “Wait, HOW many flavors of Mountain Dew?”

submitted 9 days ago • 4 comments

My 15 year old son says that anything below 95% in grades is failing so I ordered a paternity test.

submitted 9 days ago • 11 comments

[Watching Tomb Raider with my new girlfriend] ME: leans in Why did they call her Lara Croft and not Cindy Anna Jones? HER: Get out.

submitted 9 days ago • 8 comments

if I heard a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door, i would just put on some music tbh

submitted 98 days ago • 3 comments

My wife acts like I'm old just because of my cane, and the lap blanket, and the cat, and the fact I'm watching Matlock, and

submitted 9 days ago • 9 comments

Don't talk to me until I've had my Hoffee.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

Shout out to the guy trying on shoes next me for warning me that using running shoes for walking will cause serious injuries. Thanks, Dr. Stride Rite!

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

You think you’ve got it bad I just witnessed a good friend become a “beret guy”

submitted 9 days ago • 4 comments

if i've fallen and i can't get up, i may still have a little cake

submitted 107 days ago • 36 comments

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can't because I refuse to slow down on my run]

submitted 12 days ago • 5 comments

Post-climate game shows: Family (is) Food Deserts Wild Survivor IRL Real Housewives of Immortan Joe Beast Games (no change)

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

Post-climate game shows: Wheel👏of👏Heat👏Stroke👏 So You Think You Can Swim (Our Water Supply Is In) Jeopardy! Bunker or No Bunker You Bet Your Life Supermarket Loot Win, Lose, or Be Exiled to the Wastelands Truth or Severe Consequences Are You Smarter Than A Gang of Marauders?

It sounds impossible but not only is it probable, it's a certainty that if your spouse or partner does your laundry, the load will contain zero (0) matching socks.

h e l p

Bluesky is a magical place where people from all walks of life come together to ignore their loved ones

A dad sneeze so powerful, they have to adjust the 10 day weather outlook.

It's not really a fight until they ban each other's accounts on their own social platforms.

Been offline for a bit—hope all the political interpersonal relationships are progressing amicably!

Single and...

Detective: we seized his computer but his search history is clean. Nothing but 500 variations of “how to be funny online”

Having a kid is wild, like “let me grow a person inside my body who will eventually mock me relentlessly”

She's Just Not That Into You(r Skeets)

FACT: humans evolved from apes, though apes deny this out of complete embarrassment.

Wife: Ugh! More spam from your friend's dispensary! Me: It's a hashed email, Karen. Wife: throws her phone at me

Good morning to my mute-you-alls.

[American Revolution] Then: Give me liberty or give me death! Now: Give me liberty or give me biberty!

The Pinnacle of shampoo technology was reached when Herbal Essences made you orgasm just by washing your hair.

Just a minute, honey. I want to post another joke that no one will read.

Rekt.

As a woman in her 50s I often wonder if I’ve become irrelevant. But then I remember I’m kinda goated and giving main character energy so no stress just vibes

Be nice to people. Remember: they may be dealing with something you care nothing about.

Fragile Items Section: You break it, you buy it. Fragile Egos Section: You buy it, you break it.

Are You Smarter Than A Masturbator

Not trying to brag but I look amazing with 47 filters

What can I say? The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood and oxygen around the body to various organs.

I'm in total control of my emotions so long as I don't watch anything sadder than Wheel of Fortune

I have 2 degrees yet regularly forget to go to the bathroom until it’s almost too late

Aquaman crying in the sushi restaurant

[aliens arriving at Earth] “Wait, HOW many flavors of Mountain Dew?”

My 15 year old son says that anything below 95% in grades is failing so I ordered a paternity test.

[Watching Tomb Raider with my new girlfriend] ME: leans in Why did they call her Lara Croft and not Cindy Anna Jones? HER: Get out.

if I heard a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door, i would just put on some music tbh

My wife acts like I'm old just because of my cane, and the lap blanket, and the cat, and the fact I'm watching Matlock, and

Don't talk to me until I've had my Hoffee.

Shout out to the guy trying on shoes next me for warning me that using running shoes for walking will cause serious injuries. Thanks, Dr. Stride Rite!

You think you’ve got it bad I just witnessed a good friend become a “beret guy”

if i've fallen and i can't get up, i may still have a little cake

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can't because I refuse to slow down on my run]

Post-climate game shows: Family (is) Food Deserts Wild Survivor IRL Real Housewives of Immortan Joe Beast Games (no change)

Post-climate game shows: Wheel👏of👏Heat👏Stroke👏 So You Think You Can Swim (Our Water Supply Is In) Jeopardy! Bunker or No Bunker You Bet Your Life Supermarket Loot Win, Lose, or Be Exiled to the Wastelands Truth or Severe Consequences Are You Smarter Than A Gang of Marauders?

Sorry my advice ruined your life.

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