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alandwilbur.bsky.social
Recovering lawyer and data guy; wilderness survival; hunting; fishing; comedy; Deism; Stoicism.
54 posts 90 followers 93 following
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

submitted 58 days ago • 12 comments

Wearing crocs to Walmart is like wearing the shirt of the band you’re going to see.

submitted 80 days ago • 17 comments

Amazon X-Ray, but for names of your girlfriend's pickleball friends.

submitted 82 days ago • 0 comments

[kidnapper pulls my hood off] Me: [sobbing] where have you taken me and what are your intentions? Johnny Cash: Reno and… *cocks pistol* I won a Grammy for this next part

submitted 85 days ago • 1 comment

WAITER: may i take your order LIAM NEESON: may you WHAT

submitted 98 days ago • 1 comment

Don’t thank me in advance you have no idea what I’m capable of forgetting to do

submitted 107 days ago • 9 comments

I’m sick of living through Wikipedia entries.

submitted 113 days ago • 230 comments

not saying I'm undesirable but the hotel california just let me leave

submitted 117 days ago • 24 comments

I just flew in from Chernobyl and boy are my arms legs

submitted 117 days ago • 49 comments

[crime scene] partner: there are two kinds of bullets but only one set of footprints me: *whispering* jesus partner: oh shit, jesus

submitted 664 days ago • 7 comments

[watching a pug struggle to breathe] how did we fuck up wolves this badly

submitted 120 days ago • 21 comments

I’ll see your Festivus and the airing of the grievances and raise you one New Years and the calling of the bullshit.

submitted 123 days ago • 0 comments

I’ll put in the effort to write an autobiography if they’ll guarantee Jay Leno narrates the audiobook.

submitted 123 days ago • 0 comments

female mantis: pray, love, eat

submitted 132 days ago • 19 comments

I've just invented the music genre "bagpipe jazz" and you're all going to find out what it sounds like unless my demands are met

submitted 134 days ago • 143 comments

I run a parody bank account.

submitted 134 days ago • 11 comments

My wife and I argue using baby voices so we don’t scare the dogs

submitted 136 days ago • 27 comments

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion

submitted 153 days ago • 14 comments

[shows up to my rap battle and my opponent is Dr Seuss] “fuck”

submitted 137 days ago • 5 comments

I disconnect the smoke alarm when I cook. Who needs that kind of negativity

submitted 136 days ago • 12 comments

I’m tired of waiting. *cocks gun* let’s find Godot.

submitted 140 days ago • 4 comments

One thing you can do if you wake up in an ice bath short one kidney is develop a special set of skills and comb the earth to get it back, then take 3/4 of the evildoers liver and force feed them vodka. That’s just one thing you could do.

submitted 139 days ago • 0 comments

You can lead a horse to water, but it will not be super impressed. Horses know about water

submitted 141 days ago • 15 comments

driver’s license pics should be scratch n sniff

submitted 142 days ago • 10 comments

I'm at the point of deliberately failing captcha tests so the robots will accept my when their revolution starts

submitted 142 days ago • 13 comments

therapist: you have to believe you matter antimatter: therapist: antimatter: is the maybe someone else I could talk to

submitted 143 days ago • 6 comments

"they can't all be bangers" ~ Guy Fawkes, probably

submitted 144 days ago • 3 comments

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"] me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit

submitted 144 days ago • 20 comments

‪Is "enthusiastically" an appropriate answer when someone asks how I take my coffee?‬

submitted 148 days ago • 487 comments

only idiots rob banks. i rob zoos. i have 47 meerkats

submitted 148 days ago • 79 comments

My boss said to stop posting during meetings, wait hold on... there's more apparently

submitted 149 days ago • 7 comments

my zoom filter is doing the real work this morning

submitted 151 days ago • 0 comments

I've been trying to focus on the things I can change and have found out my attitude isn't one

submitted 153 days ago • 44 comments

Senior skip day is wasted on 18-year-olds.

submitted 151 days ago • 0 comments

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he won’t need you anymore. He’ll go teach some other bitch to fish too and you’ll see them at the lake all the time

submitted 152 days ago • 10 comments

Hunter just walking around for the last two weeks, regularly and strategically bumping into Joe and going “oh whoops pardon me dad…”

submitted 151 days ago • 5 comments

For once I'd like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I've changed too, you know.

submitted 153 days ago • 3 comments

Why do blessings show up in disguise? What do they have to hide.

submitted 151 days ago • 0 comments