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allenarrr.bsky.social
Singer/songwriter, corporate ops, contributor to McSweeneys. Also @trumpsties. (he/him)
238 posts 977 followers 136 following
Prolific Poster
Posts 46 Comments 4

It was the best of times; it was the per my last email of times.

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

Trump and Musk gutting the FAA in the midst of multiple plane crashes is a good reminder that OH MY FUCKING GOD.

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment

Time to confirm some appointments to my liquor cabinet.

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

The Kennedy Center Dishonors.

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

The Gulf of Your Mom, Google Maps.

submitted 16 days ago • 2 comments

I just did a spit-take remembering that there was actually a time when I yearned to be an adult.

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

(John Mayer voice) “🎶 The White House is a Cyber Truck… 🎶”

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

I’d much rather watch a concert with a little football game at intermission.

submitted 18 days ago • 1 comment

I am decidedly not ready for some football.

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

"Agree to disagree" means I'm right but I'm tired

submitted 24 days ago • 15 comments

Me, hurtling towards the void: “I have TSA Precheck.”

submitted 24 days ago • 6 comments

My kid, when he was 6: “Daddy, are you famous?” Me: “No.” Him: “I KNEW it!”

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, so four more years of this abhorrent bullshit plus decades of likely repercussions.

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

Oedipus changing his relationship status to ‘It’s complicated.’

submitted 27 days ago • 5 comments

*unlocks phone* *opens wrong app bc of icon color similarities* *closes app* *forgets which app I wanted in the first place*

submitted 28 days ago • 1 comment

submitted 29 days ago • 0 comments

Happy January 87th.

submitted 30 days ago • 1 comment

"Works perfectly; zero stars." --yelp review of my alarm clock

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

Today is National Celebrate Florida Day, but it’s also National Opposite Day, so fuck you, Florida.

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 37 days ago • 3 comments

Me, trying to pick out the perfect picture at a tattoo parlor: “Yes, um, do you have any images of middle-aged ailments?”

submitted 40 days ago • 0 comments

Sorry I yelled “Mother Earth will reclaim us all!” during our guided meditation.

submitted 40 days ago • 0 comments

The SpaceX explosion shouldn’t look so beautiful. OR SHOULD IT?

submitted 41 days ago • 1 comment

*prepares for a quiet Friday by faking own death*

submitted 41 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 42 days ago • 3 comments

You and me waiting out the winter.

submitted 42 days ago • 1 comment

submitted 46 days ago • 2 comments

I just tried a dance cardio class and was approached by three different car companies to do the same thing outside of their dealerships for upcoming sales events.

submitted 47 days ago • 0 comments

It is year five of Zoom, and I’m still here trying to scroll a document that someone else is screen-sharing.

submitted 47 days ago • 1 comment

Working from home is ok, but I really miss doing home stuff from work.

submitted 50 days ago • 1 comment

When the sketch artist fucking brings it.

submitted 52 days ago • 1 comment

I just discovered the joy of wearing my bedroom slippers to the grocery store, so I guess things are going to be a little different from now on.

submitted 65 days ago • 3 comments

*tastes wine at a family holiday gathering* Ooh, a subtle aroma of insincerity with notes of exhaustion and sarcasm, and a crisp finish of that thing Aunt Ethel whispered but everyone heard.

submitted 68 days ago • 1 comment

Finally, a Superman movie.

submitted 68 days ago • 0 comments

When one door closes, another one closes. And then a third one closes, because that's how farce works.

submitted 69 days ago • 0 comments

Hear me out: Bourbon Yoga.

submitted 70 days ago • 1 comment

BREAKING: Donald Trump appointed to be Vice Elon.

submitted 70 days ago • 2 comments

"Cocaine Bear?" No thanks. Give me a movie I can identify with. Like "One Glass of Pinot, But That Is IT, Bear" or "WebMD Bear" or "Just Fell Asleep During an All-Company Zoom Bear."

submitted 70 days ago • 1 comment

Feeling nostalgic for the simpler times of years ago, when the only reason to dislike Kid Rock was his music.

submitted 71 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 72 days ago • 0 comments

Guns don't kill people. People who live in countries with inadequate gun control kill people.

submitted 73 days ago • 0 comments

Anyway long story short that’s why I wear a dog cone

submitted 74 days ago • 7 comments

My li’l holiday piece, as also seen in McSweeney’s Advent Calendar. Merry, merry. ❤️

submitted 75 days ago • 0 comments

The first rule of Fight Club is that it’s actually this Trader Joe’s parking lot.

submitted 75 days ago • 0 comments

*responds to all work emails with “UNSUBSCRIBE”*

submitted 76 days ago • 0 comments

I’m trying to avoid eating after 9:00pm, which makes for a rather unsightly 8:59pm.

submitted 76 days ago • 1 comment