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ccruns.bsky.social
I once was a sea nymph and now I’m a sunflower. My jokes are beloved by the Today Show, Huffington Post, Apple News, Buzzfeed. I’m from a good Circus family. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:wpyca6mmzjnntg7zdb7dd6nw/feed/aaab6u6hleppa
1,092 posts 3,605 followers 1,375 following
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Posts 32 Comments 16

Me in Business Class: *slightly out of my element, very appreciative, humble Me in Economy: *super smug, pulling out my somewhat smashed home made PB&J, feeling superior to all the losers who didn’t byo snacks

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

*seductively unzips from neck to ankle

submitted 6 days ago • 5 comments

Drove in a roundabout earlier went around twice cause odd numbers are unlucky.

submitted 6 days ago • 8 comments

They don't like it when you play The Floor Is Lava on an airplane

submitted 7 days ago • 18 comments

The best way to find every single Lightning charging cable in your home is to desperately need a USB-C cable.

submitted 6 days ago • 48 comments

Somewhere between a shitpost and a shit post.

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

By age 45 you should have: • A favorite chair • Dangerously high cholesterol • Shirts older than some of your coworkers • Constant but manageable despair • Reported a scrolling “Select Your Birth Year” wheel as a hate crime • Lost the ability to recognize that 1999 wasn’t, like, last year

submitted 7 days ago • 35 comments

The meanest people I know disguised themselves as friends.

submitted 6 days ago • 6 comments

As everything continues to cost more and more I'm starting to think that my best retirement plan is a heart attack while I'm asleep

submitted 7 days ago • 4 comments

No, but if you’re looking for one, I am aware of a guy you work with that was indicted four times and convicted of thirty-four felonies.

submitted 6 days ago • 5087 comments

I’m beginning to think that not everyone on this massively delayed flight that’s stuck on the tarmac is on Zoloft

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

I don’t have road rage, I just narrate other people’s idiotic driving calmly like I’m David Attenborough.

submitted 7 days ago • 5 comments

There are no more non-boycottable companies left, I am simply going to renounce all my possessions and assets and join a whale pod to learn how to sieve plankton from the water and communicate with aquasonic harmonizations.

submitted 7 days ago • 11 comments

i wonder if she’d still be smiling if she knew how it would all turn out

submitted 7 days ago • 53 comments

Chicki pot, chicken pot, chicken pot Pieeee!

submitted 7 days ago • 2 comments

one-liner from a movie where Arnold Schwartzenneger hurls a CD at a guy, which lodges in his skull and kills him: "Dat'z a deep cut frrhum zhe ahllbumm!"

submitted 7 days ago • 4 comments

*In Depeche Mode voice Personal Pizza

submitted 7 days ago • 11 comments

Girlfriend: Can I have a sip of your drink? Me: Gross, no way Girlfriend: Wanna put your tongue in my mouth while we kiss? Me: Absolutely

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

You can't judge a book by its intentionally left blank page.

submitted 7 days ago • 14 comments

In an attempt to distract myself from the madness out there, I've started watching my favorite shows while driving and shopping.

submitted 7 days ago • 11 comments

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It had mixed feelings about the times.

submitted 7 days ago • 3 comments

My butt is so big I was looking for my glasses for a solid 20 min before I realized I was sitting on them

submitted 7 days ago • 2 comments

Would you rather smell cat piss or vomit? also happy anniversary to my wonderful husband who I’m having this debate with rn

submitted 10 days ago • 10 comments

What do people to feel better when there’s uncertainty in their lives? Like other than drugs and alcohol.

submitted 18 days ago • 6 comments

Didn't hurt myself sledding today. I think that's the best I can hope for from sledding.

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

there are enough no-win situations, no need to create more for your peeps

submitted 18 days ago • 1 comment

Every decent human being at the Super Bowl should take a knee during the National Anthem.

submitted 18 days ago • 1770 comments

There, but for the grace of God, goes my butthole

submitted 18 days ago • 3 comments

One of my favorite things to be accused of is doing stuff “for attention” Bro, I’ve got a naturally 85 decibel speaking voice, and huge naturals. I’ve never had to beg for attention.

submitted 18 days ago • 614 comments

I went to bed here at my in-laws house last night at 10:05PM so I could get a solid 50 minutes of sleep before all the grandfather clocks went off again

submitted 22 days ago • 2 comments

Adding u's to wourds randoumly so people think I'm nout American

submitted 22 days ago • 23 comments

When I saw that crazy look in her eyes, I knew she was the woman I wanted to fear for the rest of my life.

submitted 87 days ago • 1 comment