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cosmicprismo.bsky.social
Queer AuDHD Vegan Metalhead. I post absurdities.
124 posts 97 followers 55 following
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whats in common between tofu and vibrators? both are meat substitutes

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Hi, I’m John, and I’ve Cena nough

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

My love language in two texts

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

She told me not to worry, that having sex is like riding a bike: I do it infrequently, by myself, using a single speed.

submitted 6 days ago • 4 comments

Talked to my great grandpa on the way home with my male fiancé in the car yesterday. He doesn’t know I’m gay and asked me, “Have you had any dates with any girls lately?” Anyway I’ll accept mine and my partner’s Golden Globe tomorrow.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Present me is really disappointed in child me for fighting against taking naps

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Cheerios: “Clinically proven to help lower cholesterol!” Americans: Cool, it’s cereal so I’ll obviously put it in milk Cardiologists: No! Nutritionists: Bad! Cheerios: It’s fine Americans: Yeah it’s fine

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment

He’s not the Disney Princess we asked for, but Kronk is the Disney Princess we needed.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

And if you talk to me within the first hour and thirty minutes of my day you will be talking to Beelzebub. I sold my soul to him awhile ago and the APR on the loan, which got me my obvious fame and riches, is he gets full control of my body for this allotted timeframe. Please dial 666 for more info.

submitted 8 days ago • 1 comment

Welp, that’s enough trauma for today. Gonna sleep it off. Gotta have lots of energy for being retraumatized tomorrow. Goodnight, Bluesky.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Give it to me straight, doc. Do these pants make my butt look terminally ill?

submitted 72 days ago • 25 comments

submitted 9 days ago • 7 comments

Me: By Ray Comfort’s banana logic dicks were also meant to be stroked because they fit in my hand perfectly and can easily be put in my mouth, plus they’re a good source of protein when treated right Cashier: Sir this is a Wendy’s

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment

Normal people: Have you heard this song? Metalheads: You need to listen to this entire discography and learn every detail of this band’s history, and don’t even think about crawling back to my DM’s until you have the the guitar tabs and the drum line memorized and can recreate it all, on demand.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

WIFE: Our new neighbour is a bank manager but he seems to keep himself to himself ME: He's kind of a loaner WIFE: You need to move out

submitted 13 days ago • 6 comments

Me: farts under the covers Fiancé: I really didn’t want to be a croissant. Me: They’re best when they’re slow baked and fresh.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

“I aim to please.” You might want to work on your aim.

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment

Any time a child memorizes a bible passage, they should be allowed to have one cigarette.

submitted 15 days ago • 65 comments

The sexual tension between me and this glass of orange juice is pulpable.

submitted 14 days ago • 7 comments

I pulled a stomach muscle coughing today. Fitness is my passion.

submitted 12 days ago • 2 comments

*gets 2 likes* I’m a star

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

I didn’t get all bent out of shape over your emotional support puppy Quit being a baby about my leech

submitted 79 days ago • 1 comment

WORM TEEN: *crying* nobody gets me EARLY BIRD COUNSELOR: *sits backwards on chair* i get you

submitted 13 days ago • 2 comments

I’d be such a dope pope. I’d make 69 compulsory for married couples, and say god says to believe in science. There. Dismantled Christianity in 6 words.

submitted 13 days ago • 1 comment

It's great to see so many porn bots politically engaged.

submitted 13 days ago • 9 comments

*sends you a Spotify link* *proceeds to write my name with your last name*

submitted 14 days ago • 22 comments

Can’t shitpost all day if you don’t shitpost in the morning.

submitted 14 days ago • 6 comments

I'm at the age that whenever I see a bathroom I go in to take a pee . . . just as a precautionary measure

submitted 14 days ago • 20 comments

You know what they say, itches get scritches

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

I always feel overdressed at the strip mall

submitted 14 days ago • 5 comments

when i said i was speaking the old tongue i meant i was sucking off a wood elf

submitted 14 days ago • 8 comments

I was a difficult, weird, immature child. But now I have 15+ years of therapy in my arsenal and am now a difficult, weird, immature employee who knows how to set boundaries and name emotions.

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

Now I’m just imagining all the king’s men primitively attempting to put a shattered skull back together and making sure all the brains get back inside 🤯

submitted 14 days ago • 1 comment

I cry in my car as it warms up and repeat to myself, “at least we don’t have toddler size spiders” when it’s -10 outside.

submitted 17 days ago • 6 comments

Answering every question from here on out with, "Because you touch yourself at night.”

submitted 14 days ago • 3 comments

- Would you like to join our rewards program? - No. I don't believe in organized religion.

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

When I say I had a dream about you I never mean it like that. I mean like we were riding a firey unicorn across a sea of dachshund sharks trying to get to the Bleachers concert on time.

submitted 112 days ago • 1 comment