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craphound.bsky.social
A road weary travelers who likes a joke, a drink, and a bowl of soup.
418 posts 574 followers 883 following
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Why don’t we have savoury bath bombs yet?? Like chicken noodle soup me already!

I just chuckled audibly at a New Yorker comic and my pants spontaneously pleated

Relationship status: he escaped

Chiropractors are the professional wrestlers of the medical world.

PLATO: will you teach me philosophy SOCRATES: why PLATO: thank you

im not lazy im hypoactive

What's everyone wearing for the apocalypse? I don't want to clash w anyone but I also don't want to matchy match.

I'm sorry, this nihilism is load-bearing.

NGL I could really go for some bone-in oysters rn

Sandwich: and I’d do it again!

Me: i need to know - how did you learn to care SO LITTLE that you wrote a song about it Songwriter: well, ya gotta understand how much corn Jimmy was crackin

I seem to have let things get away from Me.

Why would you even show up to a gun fight i know i wouldn't

[the statue of liberty looks at the camera] THE ARISTOCRATS!

Saw this ad telling men they should... *squints* breakdance(?) every morning for prostate health.

When Jesus was a child, his favorite prank was "wine bidet"

H: So what's the worst thing you've ever seen someone do? Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Is it jerk off or jack off ? Need to get this love letter just right

Just sitting here waiting on Trump to declare the Chiefs the winners of the Super Bowl

gotta love America. we break and burn more shit when we win a football game than when they take our democracy

Please take this shovel. Lie down in one of our comfy divots while you wait

[slips mortician $20] Great job he looks really dead

jesus christ just tell us if it’s maybelline

Listen, I don't have all the answers, so you'll probably be unsurprised to learn that I in fact have very, very few

Her: Think about it for a minute before you make a bad decision. Me: No, I don’t do that.

Mom: The original gaslighter

ME: here are those reports you wanted sir CAT BOSS: thank you *slowly pushes them off the desk*

Would you look at that! An air-friar.

I'm struggling to recover from *gestures wildly at everything*

Hear me out. Shoes for the basic bitch who still wanna act like she punk af. Croc Martens.

I'm sorry can you repeat that post this subtitled martial arts film is pretty demanding

Me: oof I could stand to lose a few pounds IKEA: nice try Fätty löl

How've you kids been I missed you guys

No one ever explained to me that if I mortgaged my future I'd get around 7% more future and it seems like kind of a big miss guidance counselor wise