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crisiscake.bsky.social
no thank you
647 posts 4,639 followers 367 following
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Posts 44 Comments 4

Hey. Hey you. Yeah. You. Over here. I won’t bite. So. How ya doin? … Ya wanna see a naked Shuckle? **opens up coat**

submitted 1 day ago • 51 comments

Somebody posted something so positive that I unfollowed them. I’m operating a very delicate ecosystem and I cannot introduce that.

submitted 2 days ago • 7 comments

Key to being taken seriously when you talk at work: have a lot of spaghetti hanging out of your mouth. Like I’m talkin’ a lot

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

I should be dissolvable in water

submitted 4 days ago • 6 comments

contrary to popular belief, Curious George actually killed the cat

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

I spent about 37 minutes after the fact confirming that I was right. It’s my little hobby.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

the thing i love about tasks is how they get easier the longer you wait

submitted 3 days ago • 25 comments

Trust my gut? The very thing that burns my heart?

submitted 3 days ago • 9 comments

When I was a teenager I was super depressed and my best friend told me if I ever killed myself he would play American Badass by Kid Rock at my funeral and tell everyone it was my favorite song and it’s kept me alive until this day.

submitted 6 days ago • 21 comments

eating oranges and hoping there isn't an opposite of scurvy

submitted 3 days ago • 63 comments

“YOU COULD JUST CALL THE DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE A HALF POUNDER WITH CHEESE” I scream while being dragged out of McDonald’s in handcuffs

submitted 3 days ago • 18 comments

Pesto bismol

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

Andrew Cuomo just couldn’t touch Mamdani. Perhaps because Mamdani isn’t the breast of a frightened female subordinate, who’s to say?

submitted 4 days ago • 19 comments

Oh my god fine i’ll bite . Siri what is new york city

submitted 4 days ago • 9 comments

This could really put New York on the map

submitted 4 days ago • 22 comments

Sauntering through a medical conference and eating an apple, flipping everybody off. They’re so mad. They know they can’t touch me

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

if Zohran wins, my company that crushes poor people into a delicious, heart-smart $40 dollar juice will be forced to LEAVE NEW YORK. If you love UrchMash(tm), you know what to do

submitted 4 days ago • 32 comments

“timeline cleanse,” I whisper to myself as I swan dive into a wood chipper

submitted 5 days ago • 16 comments

“DO IT FOR HER” poster of the almighty blood-soaked dollar

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

*mouth full of reese’s pieces* sorry for your loss

submitted 5 days ago • 11 comments

something tells me labeling all my moving boxes “RANDOM SHIT” is not going to be helpful in the long run

submitted 5 days ago • 20 comments

So far, liberals have abandoned trans people, turned a blind eye to genocide, and are now supporting a sex pests to be mayor of New York over a more progressive candidate. And yall think issue is people criticizing liberals? Maybe they should stop doing shit worth criticizing 🤦🏾‍♀️

submitted 4 days ago • 5 comments

We're all here because We're doing so good mentally

submitted 5 days ago • 29 comments

Remember folks, it’s not Monday that sucks, it’s your life.

submitted 5 days ago • 16 comments

everything might be terrible but at least the weather is demonic

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

submitted 4 days ago • 7 comments

i have not been able to grow one bird with this seed

submitted 6 days ago • 29 comments

I can't prove it but I think kids scream so much because they get a split second glimpse of their future

submitted 6 days ago • 17 comments

A phrenologist would love my bumpy dome. So much to interpret.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

I would like to sleep for three years

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

[game show announcer voice] who’s ready to vanish into a mysterious fog

submitted 19 days ago • 1 comment

The purest expression of art might be making something that everyone but you hates

submitted 8 days ago • 7 comments

you can draw anything decently if you erase enough

submitted 8 days ago • 5 comments

submitted 8 days ago • 111 comments

submitted 8 days ago • 19 comments

btw bars were built for you to cry in so have at it, baby

submitted 8 days ago • 7 comments

congratulations to @captainacab.airbud.website on the incredible posters milestone of being quoted in a federal indictment 🏆

submitted 8 days ago • 31 comments

I'm not a masochist I'm just really good at pain and suffering

submitted 8 days ago • 3 comments

We really need some laws to make sure that if you’re wearing glasses that record video everyone knows it. Legally mandate that if you’re wearing smart glasses you also have to wear a cap with a propeller on it

submitted 8 days ago • 185 comments

my actual deal breaker: you keep your indoor temp at anything above 70°F

submitted 8 days ago • 6 comments

I thought Zohran was that machine from Big and y’all were just being funny

submitted 8 days ago • 1 comment

Just sold Robert F. Kennedy Jr. an ounce of the gamy-smelling green pellets I feed my turtle for $1200. "Can you throw in some of the juice?" he asked. It took me a minute to realize that he meant some of the water from the tank. I filled a shot glass with it and he tipped me $100 in cash.

submitted 15 days ago • 87 comments

NOT. SWIM GOGGLES. Friends. Do not wear swim goggles at a protest. If you take a projectile to the face the force can pop your eyeball out of its socket. If you're going to invest in protest eyewear, use impact resistant safety goggles and tape the vents.

submitted 15 days ago • 28 comments

Can’t believe it’s been five years since you scraped me off the bottom of your shoe and placed me in my enclosure

submitted 15 days ago • 2 comments