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culitopicante.bsky.social
Just here for the zip line. My skeets: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:viot2n7f3y4k43hqfaudj5y2/feed/aaab53eej3pda Formerly IAmDadSerious, IKEA_Stuff and Aaron_2Go of Twitter https://linktr.ee/aaronsthings
373 posts 291 followers 528 following
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Posts 44 Comments 5

You know you’re REALLY married when you slap your wife on the butt so hard she says “I almost shit my pants.”

submitted 67 days ago • 0 comments

I have always wanted to grow out one of my pinky nails into a respectable coke nail but it always ends up breaking when I pop open the cans.

submitted 70 days ago • 0 comments

Follow me for more tips and tricks on stuff I’m not proficient at.

submitted 76 days ago • 0 comments

She’s a 10 but she’s actually two 4’s and a 2 in a trench coat

submitted 81 days ago • 4 comments

“Lucky” is relative. To some, being lucky is winning the lottery. To others it’s eating some cookie dough and no one saying a goddamn thing about how “bAd It iS tO eAt RaW eGgS”.

submitted 80 days ago • 0 comments

Body Armor sport drink sales are skyrocketing.

submitted 82 days ago • 0 comments

Indiana Jones and The Oversized Kidney Stone

submitted 83 days ago • 1 comment

GTFO

submitted 83 days ago • 0 comments

Guys, do you see that? There at the bottom of this Blue Bunny Double Fudge Brownie ice cream? Do you know what that is? Solace. Happiness.

submitted 83 days ago • 0 comments

A rock shop just moved in next to the dispensary in my town. An obvious crack cocaine front if I’ve ever seen one.

submitted 83 days ago • 0 comments

You don't recognize them as jazz hands because I have avant-garde jazz hands with mild grindcore influences

submitted 83 days ago • 8 comments

Bird puns? Owl allow them.

submitted 84 days ago • 67 comments

Detective: Can you describe the man who shot you? Me: He seemed mad

submitted 84 days ago • 9 comments

Yesterday my 5 year old informed me that Santa does parkour. I’m gonna die this Christmas.

submitted 84 days ago • 1 comment

I love when someone is so butthurt they need a wider audience to know or they won't feel their butthurt has been stamped with the validation stamp for free parking in Butthurtville

submitted 84 days ago • 25 comments

I’m traveling for Thanksgiving and just wondering if there’s a particular Depends out there for “we-can’t-afford-to-stop-again, roadtrip diarrhea”.

submitted 92 days ago • 0 comments

[remembering that women like guys who are different] My favorite part of the popsicle is the stick

submitted 92 days ago • 6 comments

It's a shame that diss tracks never crossed over to alternative rock. I would've loved to hear billy corgan yowling about his petty grievances toward our lady peace or whatever

submitted 92 days ago • 221 comments

Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.

submitted 93 days ago • 19 comments

how to filter out baking recipes published march 2020

submitted 92 days ago • 46 comments

I didn’t follow you as a sign of respect or anything I was just pushing buttons

submitted 92 days ago • 7 comments

danny devito is the most underrated disney princess

submitted 93 days ago • 7 comments

I’m headed to the Walgreens that’s always out of everything. Anyone need nothing?

submitted 92 days ago • 30 comments

“I asked you not to do it. I said, Charlie, please don’t make your stupid joke, it’s not funny. But, still, when the waiter brought the check, what did you say? What did you say, Charlie?” “No thanks, I’ve already got a big bill.” “It’s like going out to dinner with my father!”

submitted 92 days ago • 7 comments

date: I think we’ve actually met before Picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

submitted 92 days ago • 14 comments

Bluesky : you can write bangers or bang writers

submitted 93 days ago • 40 comments

well well well, if it isn't all the people who didn't want my cool code last year

submitted 92 days ago • 29 comments

My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean

submitted 94 days ago • 209 comments

Bad relationships ruin good music.

submitted 93 days ago • 12 comments

A week ago, I had 1k followers and barely used the app. Today, I have 6k followers and I'm always checking the app. What I'm saying is, "Fuck you for this."

submitted 93 days ago • 22 comments

but what if we put the pizza INSIDE THE CHEESEBURGER? *audience cheers* *guy fieri’s bowling shirt flames catch on actual fire*

submitted 513 days ago • 1 comment

Kid Rock makes music for people who never really left high school.

submitted 94 days ago • 0 comments

Me So Horny (Taylor's Version)

submitted 99 days ago • 1 comment

Hell yeah I’m good at flirting. *with getting diabetes

submitted 96 days ago • 0 comments

I vaguely remember having hope.

submitted 97 days ago • 14 comments

Fragrance ads ain’t shit unless they in black and white.

submitted 97 days ago • 0 comments

Coke Daniels is a 1000% better name than Jack & Coke (which sounds like you’re saying “jackin coke.”)

submitted 102 days ago • 0 comments

Today is my sister’s birthday. She would have been 60. Shout out to you, Shell ♥️

submitted 99 days ago • 10 comments

I wouldn't tell anyone I had become an ASL interpreter but there would be signs

submitted 99 days ago • 16 comments

Men only use 10% of the microplastics in their balls

submitted 100 days ago • 6 comments

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

submitted 98 days ago • 6 comments

More like WORST Buy I scream, absolutely owning the manager in front of his subordinates

submitted 98 days ago • 3 comments

-me to my friends’ and families’ wedding playlists

submitted 98 days ago • 0 comments

Is chumbawamba on here yet

submitted 98 days ago • 46 comments