daemonic3.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

honestly? what a way to go out

submitted 21 days ago • 1 comment

i wanted to make a joke about how it's 90 degrees outside but i couldn't find the right angle

submitted 129 days ago • 3 comments

look i know she ate a worm but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate

submitted 358 days ago • 3 comments

me: [using a sharpie to add lines for each kid's new height] hey look you've each grown an inch since last year's mark lol 7-11 employee: please stop marking on our height strip

submitted 200 days ago • 1 comment

whenever i write a dollar amount i always include the number of cents, but that's beside the point

submitted 181 days ago • 1 comment

if you've seen one santa you've seen a mall

submitted 189 days ago • 3 comments

if you've seen one santa you've seen a mall

submitted 189 days ago • 3 comments

Friend: ants can lift 50 times their body weight. I wish I could do that Me: dude you can easily lift 50 times an ant's body weight, that's like a staple

submitted 190 days ago • 1 comment

All the other scientists are yelling at me because I’m wearing the Doomsday Clock like Flavor Flav

submitted 190 days ago • 32 comments

GRANDPA: pulls a quarter out of each of my ears ME: Dude, put those back. I was listening to 50 Cent.

submitted 737 days ago • 0 comments

[being chased by killer] ME: frantically pressing crosswalk button

submitted 216 days ago • 24 comments

hospital boss: we're promoting you to the top position in our new ward me: oh great! which ward? hospital boss: psych! me: aw dang, i thought you were serious :(

submitted 741 days ago • 0 comments

Live, Laugh, Love that chicken from Popeyes

submitted 192 days ago • 13 comments

doctor: what seems to be the problem today me: i broke my ankle recording a stunt for my epic youtube prank channel lol doctor: i see [writes "patient is fucking cringe" on clipboard]

submitted 201 days ago • 0 comments

[30 seconds before Mt Vesuvius erupts on Pompeii] earth: watch me pop this zit lol

submitted 193 days ago • 0 comments

I’m feeling il [sic].

submitted 201 days ago • 11 comments

[cryptozoologist meeting] me: what are the results of this recent bigfoot sighting investigation? fellow enthusiast: we only found one set of footprints and they were human me: aha! [remembering hearing about a similar situation] that was when jesus carried the sasquatch

submitted 764 days ago • 4 comments

of course this isn't a bot account. they don't exist here on #(00, 00, FF) sky

submitted 198 days ago • 1 comment

Good cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Bad cop: gtfo of the car Neighbor cop: I'm gonna borrow your lawnmower then return it broken

submitted 198 days ago • 3 comments

writing a theme song for locksmiths and omg so many key changes

submitted 216 days ago • 11 comments

me: i need a dr appointment reception: plz verify your birthday me: it's this friday reception: thanks me: but you don't have to get me anything reception: um, ok me: there's really nothing i need reception: i wasn- me: size 12. in rollerblades i'm size 12

submitted 200 days ago • 0 comments

[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?

submitted 210 days ago • 13 comments

where you see only one set of footprints in the sand, my child, that is where redbull gave you wings

submitted 213 days ago • 4 comments

me: correct me if I’m wrong- the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

submitted 653 days ago • 19 comments

911: what's your emergency me: i think a girl gave me a fake number 911: omg who answered when you called it me: you did

submitted 763 days ago • 2 comments

LITTLE GIRL: putting a hat on snowman Frosty? SNOWMAN: w̸̱̠͈͇̩̃̅ẖ̷̨̜̞̹̾͊ͅo̷͔̲͌͛̆͝ ̷̨̩̹͑h̵̬̜̹͇͋̍͠͠ḁ̶͙̟̫͖̤͑̍̑͘͝t̵̨͇͚̼̭̂͌̕h̴̗̭̘͒́̆̚ ̷̖̻̱̋̈́͘s̸͉̥͓̥̓u̷̙͑͌͋͋͆̉m̸͚̳̜͌̆͂̾̊̌m̷̫̂̽o̵͓͒͛n̵̛͚̺̖̭͔̾̍è̸̠̱̱͓̀̌̑͌̚͜d̵̬̋̽̑ ̵̳̥͓͚̗̹́̽̀m̵̘͋̉̋̑̔͘e̴̝̒͠ LITTLE BOY: take it off

submitted 201 days ago • 11 comments

friend: what's new? me: my wife left me for some guy at that one rental car company friend: hertz? me: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

submitted 715 days ago • 0 comments

For sale: baby shoes. So fuckin worn. This baby ran everywhere fast as shit

submitted 202 days ago • 31 comments

welcome back to invisibility class. it's pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

submitted 201 days ago • 8 comments

wife: remember to pick him up at 5 me: ok [later] me: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

submitted 714 days ago • 0 comments

me: [using a sharpie to add lines for each kid's new height] hey look you've each grown an inch since last year's mark lol 7-11 employee: please stop marking on our height strip

submitted 200 days ago • 1 comment

gets last year’s cyber out of the attic

submitted 200 days ago • 0 comments

Why are they called chicken burgers and not birdgers

submitted 200 days ago • 3 comments

claustrophobia is so stupid. let Santa get married.

submitted 200 days ago • 103 comments

My dentist told me I needed a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

submitted 216 days ago • 18 comments

if you take blink-182 and add twenty one pilots then add matchbox twenty then subtract another blink-182, the sum 41

submitted 200 days ago • 103 comments

doctor: what seems to be the problem today me: i broke my ankle recording a stunt for my epic youtube prank channel lol doctor: i see [writes "patient is fucking cringe" on clipboard]

submitted 201 days ago • 0 comments

[playing monopoly] instructions: bankrupt the other players to win me: turns to grandma say goodbye to your pension nana

submitted 206 days ago • 8 comments

[whispering to the belly while I’m scanning an expectant mother’s ultrasound] “ok now let’s do a silly one”

submitted 206 days ago • 0 comments

fuck off nike do it yourself

submitted 206 days ago • 4 comments

them (cheugy, boring): saving space for dessert on thanksgiving me (mindful, demure) : holding space for the lyrics to defying gravity

submitted 206 days ago • 1 comment

teacher: you're currently failing english, are you reading for extra credit? me: i'm reading Animal Farm, the author is so good teacher: Orwell? me: yeah [sweating] i meant the author is so well

submitted 206 days ago • 1 comment

Cop: sit on that chair, we're gonna interrogate you Lawyer (whispering): deny everything Me (loudly): that isn't a chair

submitted 207 days ago • 3 comments

Your secret is safe with me as long as it’s boring

submitted 207 days ago • 10 comments