dgutierrez84.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

Everyone is starting to list “The Top 10 Gene Hackman Films”, that’s not what I need. Right now I need the top 10 Gene Hackman Suspects.

submitted 4 hours ago • 0 comments

Me: Here’s your well experienced Olive Oil. Friend: You mean Extra Virgin? Me: Definitely not, but I promise it was only butt stuff.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Me: (Sleeping at 4:30am) GF: … babe, you sleeping? Me: (Still sleeping) GF: Babe… Me: (Sleeping) GF: BABE! Me: (Freaking out startled) What’s happened??? You ok?? GF: Oh nothing, just wanted to say that was Ke Huy Quan in White Lotus.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Me: I did it, I traveled back 50 years! Stranger: What do you guys do for fun in the future? Me: Watch people tie intricate knots, clean diseased horses hooves, and something called only fans.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

How I feel after watching the US play hockey and not seeing a single Knuckle Puck get shot

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

I have read tons of headlines in my day, but this one… this one got me

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

You might not have had sex in a while, but may I recommend canceling a subscription you don’t really use? I’d argue it feels even better.

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

My cousin got up and loudly exclaimed she was in a “Throuple” at a family dinner, and then proceeded to explain that it was with her boyfriend and new puppy, but the damage was already done. Grandma passed out and I threw up because I realized grandma knew what a Throuple was.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

You ever get into an argument and someone screams old English? Just got called a Ne'er-do-well and I’ve been frozen ever since.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

Trump just renamed Plaza Sesamo to Plaza of America and has named The Count as Treasury Secretary.

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

I’ve never been so closely connected to a friend that I’m about to enter in their house through a window unannounced like in a 90s sitcom.

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

Me: (Comes back from the kitchen because I wanted to get myself chips after a long day) Daughter: Good you got me chips.

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

It’s a special Valentines for me, so I had my gift sent to her office. I got her 4 dozen eggs.

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

I do believe at birth it was the Gulf of Mexico

submitted 14 days ago • 0 comments

Me: [doing nothing] Me: [doing absolutely nothing] Me: [DOING NOT A DAMN THING] Her: You messed this up.

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

Her: So what tricks do you know… in bed? Me: [Immediately turns condom into a balloon animal]

submitted 15 days ago • 0 comments

As a joke, I asked her to send me a dick pic. Now I need to figure things out cuz she did…

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

Still haven’t figured out what “Sham-on” means but Michael really loved to say it and I was all for it.

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

Ok I’m awake, what rights got taken away over night?

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

Honestly, if it had that garlic butter sauce I’m in

submitted 17 days ago • 1 comment

Just turned off all the lights in the house cuz I’m trying to save up for a private jet.

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

My dad found love again and he’s finally getting married to her. I asked, when is the wedding? He said, dead serious, September because “nothing important happens in September” I, his oldest child, was born in September 🫠

submitted 18 days ago • 1 comment

Looking for a mule to smuggle me into Canada. Preferably an actual mule but since it’s Canada I’ll take a Moose.

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

My mom just told me I’m cool. I’m speechless.

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

I hate marshmallows. They make no sense.

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

Just saying, if you’re at the Super Bowl with this walking skin flap, be sure to salute him properly.

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

What movie made you feel like this when you saw it?

submitted 23 days ago • 0 comments

Just used an umbrella like a cane, why can’t we make canes normal again? Less Racism More Canes I say.

submitted 23 days ago • 0 comments

I’m 40 years old and made a random new friend today. Just doing that made me feel like I was in my 20s again. Then they asked if I wanted to go to a club and it was after 7:30. Came back to my 40s real quick.

submitted 23 days ago • 0 comments

Just learned you can peel a hot dog with a potato peeler and then air fry the strips till they are crispy like bacon and now that’s all I’m going to eat for the rest of my life so I hope you all attend my funeral next week.

submitted 24 days ago • 1 comment

Me: How often? Doctor: Every day. Me: For how long? Doctor: …Dude just feed your kid!

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

Anyone check on Drake? What you mean you haven’t seen him? You check the Roblox Chat?

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

Maybe if we all start pretending there’s another election in November America will believe it?

submitted 26 days ago • 0 comments

Can I pause my subscription to the US and renew it at a later date?

submitted 26 days ago • 0 comments

This whole timeline is currently when Bart Simpson said he would help the family by taking up smoking and then giving it up.

submitted 28 days ago • 0 comments

Apparently constantly sending videos of yourself farting to your ex is a “crime” in the UK. One of the few times I’m proud to be an American.

submitted 28 days ago • 0 comments

Easiest job in the world is motivational speaker right? How can I do that? Not sure I have what it takes.

submitted 29 days ago • 0 comments

My daughter was so proud of something she built in Minecraft because it was her favorite color. I said, “Oh my goodness it’s so beautiful! Can you make the whole house this color?” Thankfully she said “great idea” otherwise I wouldn’t have known how to tell her to delete that golden shower.

submitted 30 days ago • 0 comments

Lumiere: (In French Accent) I’ve been turned into a Candlestick! Cogsworth: (In English Accent for some reason) I’m a Clock! Mrs. Pots: I’m a Teapot… Oh my, oh dear, I’m so… so sorry. Me: No… no it’s fine. Buttplug makes sense.

submitted 31 days ago • 0 comments