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dickwrigley.lol
Proud veteran of the War on Christmas.
275 posts 40 followers 23 following
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Posts 32 Comments 18

My glasses perfectly obfuscate the bags under my eyes like a doorway transition strip between carpet and tile.

submitted 16 hours ago • 0 comments

You live by the trail, you die by the trail.

submitted 22 hours ago • 0 comments

I bet with shrinkflation, the pizza doesn't even fill the whole rectangle on the school lunch tray anymore.

submitted 22 hours ago • 0 comments

Her: What's "Trilogy" flavor? Me: It's kind of hard to explain if you haven't tasted the first two.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

@kmfdm284.bsky.social you should set your kmfdm.net domain as your handle so people know you're official. It'll also look cooler.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

submitted 1 day ago • 6 comments

Someone please tell goth industrial bands that a V is not a U.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

Anyone who says they've never masturbated with peanut butter is probably lying because that's a weird factoid to just offer up out of nowhere.

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

I shut off "Daredevil: Stillborn" after 10 min. Imagine having three seasons of a proven formula laid out for you and choosing to do horseshit CGI fight scenes instead.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

You can chop vegetables with a steak knife. They literally can't stop you.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Has the price of Ozempic dropped yet, or is it still cheaper to hit a Romani girl with your car and learn to bake?

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

in death your skeleton finally hatches.

submitted 4 days ago • 29 comments

If I'm not cool, then why do so many teenagers want to hang out with me in my apartment after I sell them weed?

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

I wasn't a fat kid growing up, but I am a fat man not growing up.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

My cat didn't come sleep in my bed tonight and I genuinely asked myself, "Is he mad at me?" NEVER MIND HE JUST HOPPED UP WE'RE GOOD

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

I just referred to our corgi as "Sploot Doggy Dogg," and that is 100% going into the nickname rotation.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

If you break things down to their base ingredients, I think my favorite food is corn syrup.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

It's like that SpongeBob 4-D theater where they squirt you with water.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

The worst part of life is being awake.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

The electrical boxes in cemeteries are where dead robots are buried.

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

I swear, every time I order a garden salad, they always forget the soil.

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

I had a dream I passed on an investment. It wasn't a real opportunity.

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

The change slots in my car stay always full, and it's half quarters. Ballin is a habit.

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

It takes two to tango, but it only takes one to Macarena.

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

I got that dog in me (I’m scared of the doorbell)

submitted 23 days ago • 67 comments

History Professor: *interrupting hologram lecture* If you're going to play your Ylophone, you can't do it in Dadmommy's office. *continuing* So after the 2nd Civil War, that letter had almost entirely been dropped. Screen Writer: Yxs, Lxrd Xmpxrxr, xt's x Scx-Fx shxw xbxxt xn xltxrnxtx hxstxry.

submitted 22 days ago • 0 comments

Once again, it would seem I've brought a knife to a squirt gun fight.

submitted 23 days ago • 0 comments

Charmin Ultra Soft and Charmin Ultra Strong aren't as different as the names would imply.

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

Me trying to pet my cat in the winter:

submitted 24 days ago • 1 comment

I'm awakened every morning at 4 am by a bird pecking at my second story window. I set up a camera to see what kind, but it turns out it's just a freakishly tall man using an unsharpened pencil.

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

I prefer to show up fashionably never.

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments

They're playing country music at the inpatient behavioral health center, which feels a bit counterproductive to me.

submitted 25 days ago • 0 comments