drdoylesays.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

Whether or not anyone from your family of origin understands, likes, approves of, or loves the identity you've carved out for yourself as you've healed, I want you to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are absolutely worth being proud of, affirming, & celebrating.

submitted 5 hours ago • 3 comments

What an excellent moment to remind yourself that you are there for you-- and you will be there for you, regardless of what happens next. That you are not in the business of attacking, shaming or abandoning yourself-- not anymore. Not ever again.

submitted 8 hours ago • 1 comment

We're not going to find sustainable recovery outside ourselves-- & that's the good news. Most everybody reading this has been burned by someone or something outside of us-- like a substance or church-- promising something they can't deliver for the sake of keeping us dependent.

submitted 10 hours ago • 2 comments

We get to call ourselves whatever unkind things we want-- but we have to be real about how talking to ourselves like our bullies & abusers talked to us is going to impact how we feel, function, & relate to ourselves. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Scratch the record.

submitted 11 hours ago • 7 comments

Our trauma conditioning wants us thoroughly convinced we "can't" handle basic tasks of living-- & it will try, effortfully, to make us forget or discount every time we've successfully navigated a tough moment or every tool we've ever used to survive. Don't let it. Remember.

submitted 14 hours ago • 7 comments

People aren't going to get it. They're going to call parts of our trauma or addiction struggle "crazy" because they don't understand them. That doesn't mean we are "crazy"-- it means we can't get in our head about what does or doesn't make sense to the "muggles." Recovery focus.

submitted 15 hours ago • 1 comment

Hey. It's just a day. Breathe; blink; focus; and work your recovery. That's all that's on your plate today. Anything else is gravy.

submitted 16 hours ago • 1 comment

Easy does it. The goal is to make the mental & behavioral choices we realistically can today to support feeling & functioning in ways we choose-- not ways conditioned in us by our bullies & abusers. Don't overcomplicate it-- just breathe & focus on the next micro choice.

submitted 18 hours ago • 2 comments

The very idea of "joy" or "happiness" can make trauma survivors queasy. We've been conditioned to believe that positive feelings or experiences usually come w/ a catch, requiring us to "pay" in unexpected ways. Trauma BS (Belief Systems) are hard to shake. No shame.

submitted 21 hours ago • 5 comments

Developmental tasks we didn't have the safety or support to handle when we were kids don't just go away. We don't just get to "skip" them. Trauma recovery involves revisiting those developmental stages-- without shame or self-blame-- & giving ourselves now what we needed then.

submitted 1 day ago • 2 comments

Because you were put in the position of being your parents' "therapist"-- & because you got kind of good at it-- doesn't mean it didn't harm you to be put in that role, that it's not harmful to you now, or that you're obligated to continue in it indefinitely.

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

Meaningful progress in trauma or addiction recovery is almost always accompanied by grief & anger. Feeling grief & anger does not mean you're doing it wrong. It means you're growing out of a past version of you, & have raised your standards for what you deserve & will tolerate.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

Trauma survivors don't share their story for "attention." Most of the "attention" most survivors have ever received for speaking out has been profoundly negative. If they're taking the risk to share their story, they're doing so hoping it can connect them w/ care, not "likes."

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

Trauma survivors are vulnerable to self-harm addiction for lots of reasons, but a big one is: physical pain that we cause & "control" (sort of, we think, anyway) is preferable to emotional & relational pain that we don't understand & feels utterly beyond our ability to influence.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

No question: working our trauma &/or addiction recovery often means doing it without adequate support-- even from people who say they "love" or "support" us. We can do it-- but we can also acknowledge that having to do it alone or undersupported is frustrating, unfair, & sad.

submitted 1 day ago • 5 comments

Don't let the fact that you're not in a position to set big, important boundaries right now keep you from setting the little boundaries that you can-- with you attention, your time, your social media feed, or other things you can manage. Do what you can w/ the tools you have.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

You get to miss & grieve the chaotic, toxic people & situations you are no longer a match for now that you're working your recovery & committed to realistically managing your vulnerability. I miss aspects of the chaos, too. Recovery is lifesaving-- but undeniably bittersweet.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

Breaking cycles, whether in our own behavior, our family, or our culture, is f*cking painful. There's no need to pretend it isn't. Most often we have 577,103 variables effortfully working against us-- & often the only thing going for us is our determination that this stops here.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

Others' choices do not reflect, create, or diminish our worth. Others' words & behavior toward us can dramatically impact how we feel about ourselves, but that is about our conditioning-- not about our actual value, worth, or future. Remember. Don't go down the rabbit hole.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

It is not an intelligent expenditure of our bandwidth to try to regulate another adult's emotions for them. We can do what we can to try to support them, but we need to remind ourselves, again & again: we don't have the power-- or the right-- to regulate them, for them. If only.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

Regulating our nervous system is often about slowing down & experiencing stillness-- which can be counterintuitive & scary to trauma survivors who've been conditioned to believe that slowing down or standing still will allow abusers, bullies, or predators to catch & hurt us.

submitted 2 days ago • 4 comments

In my experience, a profound connection often exists between trauma survivors' personal recovery & the world they want to help create-- for their kids, for their pets, for the human species. Social & political passions can be the spiritual backbone of many survivors' recovery.

submitted 2 days ago • 5 comments

The times we're present & focused are as or more important to explore in our recovery work than the times we're dissociated out of our gourd. There are no variables too silly or insignificant to consider when it comes to realistically feeling safe to be here, now, & ourselves.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Rest is not the enemy. You weren't abused or victimized because you were tired or sleeping. Your body's need for rest is not plotting to make you vulnerable. Your need for rest isn't evidence you're "weak." It's not your fault rest is scary or difficult. Ease up.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Hobbies & interests & passions are about more than recreation or relaxation for trauma survivors. They help us feel like ourselves-- in a world that is often hell bent on tearing away anything that supports us in feeling like our own (worthy, stable, independent) person.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

It's not your fault that you've struggled to honor your body's signals, when you've been conditioned to numb, hate, or fear your body. Coming to love & trust your body in trauma recovery is a process. Don't rush it. Pressure harmed us-- it's not going to heal us.

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

Feeling "seen" in our close relationships isn't worth much if we don't also feel valued & loved. Many of us had the experience of feeling plenty "seen" in certain personal or professional relationships-- & that visibility made us a target. We'd often rather have been invisible.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Getting clear about what brings us pleasure & joy, & how to realistically create & facilitate more of those experiences in our life, is as important to sustainable trauma recovery as any trauma processing or symptom reduction work.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

There is nothing wrong w/ making access to you-- physical, emotional, or spiritual-- selective & arduous. You are under no obligation to be an open book, & maybe expending some effort isn't unreasonable to ask of anyone who says they want to be close to you.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

"Them" having a preference for how you "should" think, feel, or behave, does not constitute an emergency or command to you-- & it's real important you (gently, compassionately, patently) remind your nervous system of this on the daily.

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

Many trauma survivors will do mental & emotional backflips to avoid accepting the truth that the people who should have loved us-- who often said they loved us-- did not behave toward us in any way that could be described as "loving." And that discrepancy wasn't about us.

submitted 4 days ago • 7 comments

Many survivors assume the "basic life stuff" we struggle w/ has little nor nothing to do w/ our trauma-- but you need to know that you're not "incompetent" or "immature" for struggling w/ hygiene, organization, or time management. Those are often trauma responses in disguise.

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

Recovery that doesn't realistically account for how trauma scrambles our appetite, sleep, & attention span isn't going to be sustainable. People don't understand that trauma is far more than a mental struggle, & recovery has to be a truly holistic project-- but survivors know.

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

Some days, doing our best to resist self-harmful patterns is just noticing what's happening to us as we're sucked into those behaviors, & extending compassion & grace toward ourselves instead of judgment & exasperation. Shifts in focus & attitude prepare us for behavior shifts.

submitted 4 days ago • 2 comments

We don't buy into our bullies' & abusers' bullsh*t because we're "stupid." We're vulnerable to it because it's often consistent with the BS (Belief Systems) we were conditioned in at a very young age, over a very long time. Vulnerability is not "stupidity." Grace over guilt.

submitted 4 days ago • 3 comments

We struggle to say "no" not because there's anything "bad" about "no"-- but because we've been conditioned to feel bad about it. We've been programmed to believe saying "no" means things about us that it absolutely does not mean. Like we're "difficult." Or "lazy." Or, or, or.

submitted 4 days ago • 5 comments

We don't build the new "us" in recovery by rejecting, shaming, or trying to erase the old "us." We build our recovery "self" by realistically acknowledging, accepting, & caring for our past wounds, vulnerabilities, & deficits. Grace over guilt. Every day. Especially today.

submitted 5 days ago • 3 comments

Build a version of yourself that the younger version of you would have turned to for help. A mistake some survivors in recovery make is trying to build a version of themselves that rejects & abandons who they once were-- but sustainable recovery is never built on self-rejection.

submitted 5 days ago • 5 comments

Our trauma conditioning will try to convince us we are a "perfect" match for certain situations-- like jobs, relationships, or even places to live-- that are actually crushing our will to live. Look closer. Disengage autopilot. Really see how they're affecting you.

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

Trauma conditioning is lying to you about why you were hurt back then. It wasn't because you dared to be or express yourself. It was because the people around you lacked the ability or interest to be kind or appropriate humans. Your personality or needs were never the problem.

submitted 5 days ago • 5 comments

"They" should have shown us how to love ourselves, be patient w/ ourselves, & be realistic about what we need & can do. That "they" taught us to judge & abandon ourselves instead means you & I are learning self-love on the fly, now, as adults. No shame. Better now than never.

submitted 5 days ago • 5 comments

Have our own back-- even when you f*ck up. Be on your own side-- even if you don't love the last choice you made. Be honest & compassionate & realistic & patient w/ yourself-- even (especially!) when trauma conditioning is trying to trick or coerce you into punishing yourself.

submitted 5 days ago • 3 comments

"Letting go" is a process, not a one time decision or event. Don't kick yourself for struggling with it. Grace over guilt-- we're rerouting physical nervous system connections here. Changing how we think, feel, & behave is the hardest thing humans do-- give yourself a break.

submitted 5 days ago • 2 comments

Sustainable trauma recovery centers survivors, not perpetrators. Even if our recovery process involves placing realistic, appropriate blame-- which it very often does-- it's real important we remember: we're doing this to be free of them. We deserve to be free of them.

submitted 6 days ago • 2 comments

Your trauma conditioning is going to try to tell you "self talk" is a "stupid" thing to focus on in your recovery, that changing how you talk to yourself can't "really" shift anything. As if things we were told over & over by our abusers didn't shape who we are to this point?

submitted 6 days ago • 5 comments

I've never had a "perfect' recovery day. Neither trauma nor addiction recovery is about "perfect," ever. Recovery IS about incrementally, imperfectly, awkwardly learning to be on our own side & have or own back, one day, one hour at a time. Embrace the mess. Get all up in there.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

Trauma conditioning immerses us in fake "accountability" that has us beating the sh*t out ourselves in the name of "taking responsibility." Recovery is about actual accountability-- which is only ever compassionate, realistic, & opposite of what our bullies & abusers did to us.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

Consent isn't consent when you're scared out of your mind, deprived of vital information, or not in a position to realistically survive if you say "no." And "survival" has multiple dimensions beyond physical. That's not an "excuse," that's reality.

submitted 6 days ago • 5 comments

Micromanagement in any relationship, personal or professional, tends to be a giant trigger for many trauma survivors-- & trying to set limits w/ micromanagement can scrape up all kinds of feelings of unworthiness & overwhelm. None of that is your fault-- or a recovery dead end.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

We can be frustrated w/ ourselves, & also compassionate toward the pain that's driving behavior patterns we don't love-- & we can be compassionate & respectful toward ourselves, while consistently steering ourselves toward different choices. Easy does it. You can do this.

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments