dumbmike.bsky.social - Profile | ThreadSky | a Reddit-style client for Bluesky

Loud wet lube sounds echoing down the hall when I'm alone at home and I'm freaking out because this is a dryjacking house

submitted 12 hours ago • 1 comment

My 6yo is obsessed with dragons, so dinner at his birthday party is Dragon Soup: egg whites, raw milk, and cottage cheese. Him and his little buddies are out at the trough, bellies round, lapping it up like cats and making dragon growls. Oh, and the best part about bdays at my house? No bedtimes!

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

I've been playing a lot of the video game "Blue Prince" and I think I finally hit on the specific fantasy that appeals to gamers: what if you were allowed to enter a house

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

My dick looks like a D battery. Duracell. Your dick looks like a dollar store AAA.

submitted 1 day ago • 3 comments

—Cute dog, what's his name —Bingo —I must immortalize this incredible moment in song

submitted 2 days ago • 17 comments

What the? TurboTax is offering a "topless tax credit" if you take off your shirt during the appointment with one of their guaranteed accurate tax experts? And you can get paid to do extra stuff for them? Whatever you're comfortable with? I agreed to all of it and made a pretty penny on this return.

submitted 366 days ago • 2 comments

TEXAN 1: See that evening redness? Over yonder, in the west? TEXAN 2: Why, that's the "blood meridian" itself. CORMAC MCCARTHY: Whuh? Sorry I zoned out. TEXAN 2: I was describing the blood meridian, or, the evening redness in the west. CORMAC MCCARTHY: What?? Speak up idiot. I can barely hear you.

submitted 373 days ago • 1 comment

I've been playing a lot of the video game "Blue Prince" and I think I finally hit on the specific fantasy that appeals to gamers: what if you were allowed to enter a house

submitted 1 day ago • 4 comments

I'm the least provocative guy on here, and if you don't agree you are an ASSHOLE and an ILLITERATE MORON

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

When the four simultaneous Beatles movies come out, I will also be releasing a full length feature about the guy who hid in Ringo's bathroom behind the shower curtain to watch him use the toilet. It will play out in real time with wet breathing sounds captured by state-of-the-art Dolby Atmos audio.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

one bonkers new thing my phone started doing is: when I text a short phrase with an exclamation point, it creates a custom emoji with those words and suggests I use that as the next thing I type

submitted 403 days ago • 38 comments

about ten years ago, I was on an off-grid no-internet vacation with my now-wife, and she asked how I would survive without twitter, and I joked that I would just carve a new twitter out of a piece of old wood. And then I realized it would be a funnier Bit if I actually did it during vacation

submitted 580 days ago • 28 comments

—Cute dog, what's his name —Bingo —I must immortalize this incredible moment in song

submitted 2 days ago • 17 comments

WIFE: Hon. Don't be mad. ME: …but? WIFE: But I invited a third tonight without asking you. ME: That's not our agreement. WIFE: I know, I know. ME: Well, who is it? WIFE: The Joker. ME: WIFE: It's on me. I know I should have asked you. ME: We can discuss it later, after we fuck the nefarious Joker.

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

My disloyal courtiers when, with a single word, I reveal knowledge of their long machinations against me: 😦 m-my liege!! Not I!! 😦

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

Guy in a near future Oscar winning drama about the onset of the covid years: (standing in bathroom doorway) Babe... I-- I can't smell my nuts...

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

When the four simultaneous Beatles movies come out, I will also be releasing a full length feature about the guy who hid in Ringo's bathroom behind the shower curtain to watch him use the toilet. It will play out in real time with wet breathing sounds captured by state-of-the-art Dolby Atmos audio.

submitted 2 days ago • 2 comments

ALLEN GINSBERG: Hey wanna read my new poem ME: Is it going to be sticky? Last time, you just tricked me into touching something sticky on paper and I'm not interested if so. GINSBERG: No, this time it's a real poem. Promise. ME: ......Okay, fine. GINSBERG: Now close your eyes and stick out your hand

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

After surviving this morning's successful rocket launch by Blue Origin, Oprah's friend Gayle King has died of Space Madness.

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

I've never seen anything to confirm what I know to be true but: pinky and the brain are references to a man's genitals right

submitted 2 days ago • 1 comment

ALLEN GINSBERG: Hey wanna read my new poem ME: Is it going to be sticky? Last time, you just tricked me into touching something sticky on paper and I'm not interested if so. GINSBERG: No, this time it's a real poem. Promise. ME: ......Okay, fine. GINSBERG: Now close your eyes and stick out your hand

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

guy reading the news 👇

submitted 3 days ago • 2 comments

WIFE: Hon. Don't be mad. ME: …but? WIFE: But I invited a third tonight without asking you. ME: That's not our agreement. WIFE: I know, I know. ME: Well, who is it? WIFE: The Joker. ME: WIFE: It's on me. I know I should have asked you. ME: We can discuss it later, after we fuck the nefarious Joker.

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

remember when i watched terminator 1 and it made me so scared that i couldn’t protect anyone from his immense strength that i had ED for a few weeks

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

My claim to fame: I was the first cashier to see an embarrassed teenage boy approaching the register with a box of condoms and open the package to eat one in front of him wrapper and everything

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

MICHAEL STIPE: (roasting you) Egypt was troubled by your horrible ass

submitted 554 days ago • 15 comments

A 2021 Amtrak survey found the ideal layout for a high-speed rail network across the United States. It would be relatively cheap to build and would intersect every major center of commerce:

submitted 632 days ago • 198 comments

I'm back with more real documents from the White House. If you have more FOIA requests please reach out to me on Signal. These are real.

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments