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garydelaney.bsky.social
I’m a British one liner comic. I’m quite rude. Lots of videos of my stuff on line. GaryDelaney.com for other stuff. Next tour probably 2025 or whenever I’ve finished writing it.
103 posts 5,268 followers 56 following
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Posts 48 Comments 2

Paul Simon warned about the effect of artificial intelligence on songwriting in ‘You Can Call Me AI’.

submitted 2 hours ago • 3 comments

submitted 22 hours ago • 6 comments

The hardest part of a Greek divorce is glueing all the plates back together.

submitted 3 days ago • 5 comments

My proposal to move the Stutterers Conference back a month from its usual May slot have been dismissed as jejeune.

submitted 3 days ago • 3 comments

The Judge held me in contempt for wearing ill fitting swimming trunks and said not to do it again but now the ball is back in his court.

submitted 3 days ago • 4 comments

People told Picasso he was a terrible portrait artist but soon they were laughing on the other side of their face

submitted 7 days ago • 4 comments

If a gun isn’t working does it have a troubleshooting guide?

submitted 10 days ago • 8 comments

submitted 12 days ago • 7 comments

I still call him Malcolm Twitter.

submitted 14 days ago • 3 comments

I’m going to roast a chicken this afternoon, so now I need to prepare by writing five minutes of vicious poultry based one-liners.

submitted 15 days ago • 14 comments

I’ve had to sell the antique bookcase I used to house my Charles Dickens collection and now they’re scattered everywhere. I appear to have fallen on hard times.

submitted 16 days ago • 7 comments

When I started groping wrestlers I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

submitted 16 days ago • 4 comments

It turns out that some stereotypes about Welsh men are true, unfortunately for ewe.

submitted 16 days ago • 4 comments

I’m still wanted in Ireland for forging commemorative stamps of Oscar Wilde but, as I explained at the time, imitation is the sincerest form of philately.

submitted 18 days ago • 2 comments

Two’s company, three’s a crowd work clip.

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

Imitation Is the Sincerest Form of Flattery That Mediocrity Can Pay To Greatness - Gary Delaney

submitted 18 days ago • 2 comments

Two people from Kent recently became the first married couple to row all the way across the Atlantic. Apparently it started when he asked if she really needed that manyclothes on a cruise.

submitted 20 days ago • 4 comments

There’s no such word as can’t. Apart from when posh people try and swear.

submitted 20 days ago • 5 comments

The more I hear about Bonnie Blue the more I miss the fact that Record Breakers isn’t on anymore.

submitted 21 days ago • 7 comments

Hooray! The courier has just brought me my new Prometheus action figure. Signed, sealed, delivered.

submitted 21 days ago • 2 comments

How did Ray Harryhausen like his beef? Jerky

submitted 21 days ago • 1 comment

Do banana farmers grow old really quickly?

submitted 22 days ago • 6 comments

It must’ve been hard to make a trailer for Back to the Future that didn’t include spoilers

submitted 22 days ago • 6 comments

You can tell The Blair Witch Project wasn’t really found footage or the whole film would be in portrait and have a thumb in it.

submitted 22 days ago • 10 comments

Apparently the correct term is actually school nurse but I think it’s just nit picking really.

submitted 23 days ago • 1 comment

Found some old videos.

submitted 23 days ago • 2 comments

Do I mention monkeys too much? You can take that as a gibbon.

submitted 23 days ago • 1 comment

I tried to take a picture of a zebra and my phone opened up a webpage about zebras.

submitted 23 days ago • 3 comments

Landscape Artist of the Year is the same as Portrait Artist of the Year but rotated through 90 degrees.

submitted 25 days ago • 6 comments

Say what you like about the rhythm method but I hear it’s making a comeback.

submitted 25 days ago • 4 comments

- I just bumped into some ancient Scottish tribesmen down the bottom of my garden. - Picts or it didn’t happen.

submitted 25 days ago • 2 comments

Writing the line ‘Tiny Tim, who did NOT die’ absolutely makes it sound like Charles Dickens killed Tiny Tim.

submitted 26 days ago • 3 comments

I was always the class clown. Unfortunately I went to clown school so this meant hiding textbooks under my custard pies.

submitted 26 days ago • 4 comments

People have accused me of being unimaginative with my comebacks but actually they’re unimaginative with their comebacks!

submitted 27 days ago • 2 comments

My friend says he’s got a new job as a ventriloquist version of Puppetry of the Penis but I think he’s just talking bollocks

submitted 27 days ago • 3 comments

Just had a meeting with my dietician and nutritionist this morning and my two biggest takeaways are a lovely Chinese and an Indian.

submitted 28 days ago • 2 comments

I always get a kick from sneaking up behind donkeys.

submitted 29 days ago • 2 comments

‘Can I just say that’s the most amazing kite you have there?’ ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Here, let me help you wind your dog in’.

submitted 31 days ago • 5 comments

The Big Show Biggleswade 22nd February at Weatherley Centre @garydelaney.bsky.social @eleanortiernan.bsky.social @bennorriscomic.bsky.social and your host Paul Revill Tix wegottickets.com/event/638798

submitted 31 days ago • 2 comments

The worst thing about being called Finn is that when you introduce yourself to French people they think the conversation is already over

submitted 31 days ago • 5 comments

Warning: I’ve run the numbers and we’re fast approaching a tipping point where the ever growing size of chocolate buttons overtakes the shrinking Wagon Wheel. I do not know what happens next.

submitted 33 days ago • 5 comments

submitted 33 days ago • 6 comments

All the Lord of the Rings cast were given children’s building blocks for Christmas, apart from Orlando Bloom, who was Legolas.

submitted 41 days ago • 8 comments

My New Year’s Resolution is to be more punctual.

submitted 43 days ago • 11 comments

Some people say the character without a brain is the worst one in the Wizard of Oz but that’s just a straw man argument.

submitted 49 days ago • 8 comments

If you put a thousand Sheakespeares into a monkey cage eventually they’ll starting throwing their shit around.

submitted 49 days ago • 9 comments

Since I started gambling at Paper, Scissors, Stone I’ve been making money hand over fist.

submitted 49 days ago • 1 comment

The forecast today is for flurries. So I’m off to McDonalds, what does everyone want?

submitted 50 days ago • 7 comments