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BREAKING: North Korean state media is reportedly mocking Donald Trump’s recent cabinet meeting, with NK news anchors saying Trump’s secretaries are even cringier than Kim Jong Un’s staffers, who live under the constant threat of disappearing and starving.

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Has Trump not insulted the Catholic Church enough already?

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BREAKING: National security staffers say Donald Trump’s cabinet secretaries give him a more imaginary perception of his bureaucratic successes than Kim Jong Un’s staff gives him.

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Trump's deal to end the war in Ukraine is nowhere in sight.

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BREAKING: Trump is reportedly furious because his 4th of July parade will have no fireworks thanks to his tariffs on China.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly hates windmills so much because the windmill at his favorite mini-golf course is "rigged against him."

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BREAKING: Chinese officials are reportedly shipping scraps of metal, wood, and cardboard to the US for free so Americans can build "Trumpville" shantytowns when Trump's trade war starts a new Great Depression.

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Are you ready for the edition of the Great Depression?

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BREAKING: The Nobel Prize Committee has announced they will award the Peace Prize to whichever Republican senator first says out loud what everyone is already thinking: that Donald Trump has lost his mind, is belligerent wrecking global stability, and should be impeached.

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BREAKING: Republicans in Congress are endorsing an idea for the Catholic Church in America to create its own Papacy, and name Donald Trump the first American Pope.

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BREAKING: White House insiders say they're starting to think Donald Trump is faking his phone calls with China, and is only pretending to talk to Xi Jinping when he holds his phone to his ear and loudly demands increasingly insane trade concessions.

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BREAKING: AG Pam Bondi is reportedly going to arrest anyone who refers to Trump's inevitable recession as the "Trumpcession, “the Trump Slump,” “the Dotard's Downturn,” or “the Syphilitic’s Stagflation.”

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BREAKING: The cities of NYC, Boston, LA, and SF have officially set aside land in their downtown parks for the creation of the country's first "Trumpvilles" so people who lose all their money in the Trumpcession can make shacks and live there.

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Women beware

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BREAKING: MAGA fans are furious after China has begun shipping them hats that say “I ❤️ Biden” instead of “Make America Great Again.”

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Project 2025 is ushering in executive and legislative misogyny

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BREAKING: The top Internet group of incels is splintering after its leaders complained their message boards and real life meetups have become "cesspools of debauchery for in-the-closet conservatives projecting homophobia and misogyny to try and sleep with lonely, straight men."

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BREAKING: Elon Musk reportedly only hires 21-year-old engineers for D.O.G.E. because he only hires the people who laugh at his jokes during interviews.

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BREAKING: Mike Waltz reportedly just accidentally sent an email calling Pete Hegseth a coward for throwing him under the bus for Signalgate as a “reply-all” to the entire United Nations.

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BREAKING: Pete Hegseth is reportedly planning on sexually harassing a bunch of women at the Pentagon in order to get back in Trump's good graces.

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BREAKING: Top Chinese trade officials just revealed that their new lead negotiator for a US-China tariff deal is an orangutan they've named "Donald" that the Chinese say is as tough a negotiator as Trump.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump claims it's Biden's fault that a recession is coming because the Biden economy wasn't strong enough to keep him from wrecking it in just 3 months.

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BREAKING: The North Korean ambassador to the United Nations says the appointment of Mike Waltz as America's ambassador makes a mockery of the UN's goal toward professionalism and global stability.

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BREAKING: Xi Jinping says China will do a trade deal with Donald Trump, but only if Trump lets Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, and Hillary Clinton join in on the negotiations.

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BREAKING: Tesla is reportedly looking to hire a 21-year-old twink to barge into Elon Musk's office at the Tesla headquarters, tell him he's fired, and then declare every expense Musk has made is "fraud, waste, and abuse."

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BREAKING: The Darwin Awards just announced they are honoring America with their top 2024 award for killing our economy by reelecting Donald Trump in November.

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BREAKING: China just announced it will pay the tariffs on all Obama and Biden memorabilia exported to the US.

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BREAKING: A White House IT guy says Pete Hegseth’s government computer browser history shows he watches makeup tutorials during his lunch breaks.

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Comedy from Dash MacIntyre

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BREAKING: Top Chinese officials say they'll do a trade deal with Trump after he finishes his Obamacare replacement plan, Iranian nuclear deal, North Korean nuclear deal and infrastructure plan because they'd "hate to interrupt the hard work he's been doing for so many years."

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BREAKING: The UK is rescinding it’s invitation for JD Vance to visit “out of an abundance of caution,” citing King Charles’s frail health and the fact that the Pope died only hours after meeting with Vance.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump is now claiming China isn't answering any of his calls because their caller ID probably still says Joe Biden.

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BREAKING: Fox News is reportedly filming Christmas season content that honors the "patriotism and thriftiness of reducing material consumption" in anticipation of Trump’s trade war leading to empty store shelves by the winter.

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BREAKING: Top Chinese officials say Trump has been calling them a dozen times every day to beg for a trade deal, and they put him on hold while playing audio of Obama speeches until he hangs up.

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BREAKING: The Catholic Council of Cardinals says Donald Trump "doesn't have the cards" to become Pope.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump says he should be the next Pope because no one but him is smart enough to start selling "Trump Pass" tickets to Heaven and make the Catholic Church billions of dollars.

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BREAKING: Pete Hegseth's morning makeup routine is reportedly taking 3 hours now because it's his safe space where no one asks him tough questions or recommends he resign.

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BREAKING: A new, international poll found that 87% of Catholics across the world would approve of Donald Trump being named the next Pope if it meant he’d stop being president.

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BREAKING: Historians are officially ranking the first 100 days of Trump's second term as the least successful of any president, including William Henry Harrison, who died on day 32.

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BREAKING: Anonymous Trump staffers say it’s unlikely Trump is telling the truth about China calling him because they haven’t heard him do the Chinese accent he does for twenty minutes or so every time he gets off the phone with Xi.

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BREAKING: JD Vance is reportedly claiming the ghost of Pope Francis is haunting him.

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BREAKING: Chinese officials are trolling Trump and telling him they’ll call about a new trade deal “in two weeks.”

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11 tips from America's #1 self-taught medical genius.

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BREAKING: Pete Hegseth reportedly uses more makeup than any female employee at the Pentagon.

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BREAKING: Top military officials say Pete Hegseth’s makeup use qualifies him within the strict wording of his own anti-Woke decrees as a drag queen, and he’s now no longer allowed inside the Pentagon.

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BREAKING: The hottest selling item on the Internet today is a coffee cup that says “Elon’s tears” on it.

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BREAKING: There is more evidence to believe JD Vance killed the Pope than evidence that Haitian immigrants were eating cats and dogs.

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BREAKING: Top military leaders are reportedly now telling Pete Hegseth, “Don’t put this in a group chat,” every 5 minutes during their meetings.

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REMEMBER: Elon Musk wants no empathy from you over Tesla's ongoing collapse because empathy is "the fundamental weakness of Western civilization."

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