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heiditron3000.bsky.social
Comedian, dog trainer, nap enthusiast
305 posts 262 followers 95 following
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It just keeps happening. It has since high school. I get a crush on a guy and I feel like that guy might just like me back and I spend a long time trying to get to know him better. And we become what I think is good friends. And then… He gets a girlfriend.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

I grew up in drought stricken California in the 80s/90s so I can’t have a good shower-cry that goes over 5 minutes.

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

Ralph Waldo Emerson Lake and Palmer. There you go, there’s the content you unwittingly signed up for when you hit “follow”. I will not apologize.

submitted 18 days ago • 2 comments

Felt cute, might lure children into the woods with my gingerbread house and then eat them later. Idk.

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

I’d like to see Tom Petty’s “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” video where they’re all muppets

submitted 27 days ago • 0 comments

Well I tried to type in”Magic Christian” but I just got gifs of the guys who did the soundtrack. …I’m not complaining.

submitted 38 days ago • 0 comments

We didn’t just get fascism, we got the fascism you buy off Temu where the organization taking funding away from everything important is named after a stupid internet meme

submitted 38 days ago • 0 comments

“You must jettison the things that do not spark joy? What a stupid pursuit. Joy is a shared delusion of idiots. Happiness is a fleeting chemical imbalance in the brain. What are you, a child? Now clean your fucking room, you pig.” - The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Werner Herzog

submitted 42 days ago • 0 comments

Selfie

submitted 50 days ago • 1 comment

I’ve been staring at an app that connects to a robot litter box for 10 minutes and if you’d told 12 year old me that this was the future…I’d have become a hermit in the Alps right then and there

submitted 50 days ago • 0 comments

It is exhausting trying to woo a guy by making absolutely no moves and flirting with all the intensity of a sand bag.

submitted 51 days ago • 1 comment

Met and helped socialize foster puppy Jay today! Here I am going in for a kiss while he is completely disinterested. …just like every other man in my life.

submitted 51 days ago • 1 comment

I don’t wanna throw down a hundred dollars for a haircut so I’m just going to let some moths loose around my head in the hopes they think it’s an old coat

submitted 52 days ago • 0 comments

Happy (Inter?)National Pet Day, everybody

submitted 53 days ago • 1 comment

I feel like EMDR therapy is good for working through one or two traumatic events. Not like…the 90 or so I gotta get through one freakin’ 45 minute session at a time.

submitted 54 days ago • 1 comment

Ok so can scientists de-extinct Tom Petty now?

submitted 56 days ago • 3 comments

Just my cat in his room

submitted 56 days ago • 0 comments

Post dog. Here is dog. Is good dog.

submitted 58 days ago • 0 comments

When told to stop, the child’s head rotated 360 degrees, then he said “Now I have absorbed Grandfather”

submitted 58 days ago • 1 comment

I don’t wanna jinx it, but my crush might be crushing back on me. …I haven’t been in this situation in decades. WHAT DO I DO? We’re trading R. Crumb collections and newt pictures.

submitted 59 days ago • 2 comments

It’s always so hard to tell the various woodland creatures that shelter in my chin hairs that it’s Tweezer Day

submitted 59 days ago • 1 comment

Here, two Scottie dogs meeting for the first time and deciding they are brothers

submitted 62 days ago • 1 comment

I never thought I’d say this but I think I have Walton Goggins’ penis fatigue

submitted 63 days ago • 0 comments

Nobody talks about how much songbird shit every Disney princess has to clean up

submitted 64 days ago • 0 comments

I got a cat so I could have a butthole in my face at all times

submitted 69 days ago • 1 comment

A small break from ALL THE HORROR to show you my buddy Sisu

submitted 70 days ago • 0 comments

Kurt Vonnegut Douglas Adams James Herriot David Sedaris Beverly Cleary

submitted 73 days ago • 1 comment

Earning the trust of a German shepherd who is deathly afraid of everybody is like getting into an exclusive club. Every time I see this girl now, I get a face full of licks. I love my job, man.

submitted 74 days ago • 0 comments

You get on your phone, you swipe through the photos, and you make the horrifying discovery that your cat has been using your camera to take nude selfies

submitted 74 days ago • 0 comments

This is the least enthused dog I have ever sat for.

submitted 79 days ago • 0 comments

Pi day? What the fuck ever. Shut up, math.

submitted 81 days ago • 0 comments

*Friends theme song starts up* So no one told you your forties were going to be nothing but perimenopausal depression *clap clap cla—fuck it

submitted 83 days ago • 0 comments

I’m less “manic pixie dream girl” and more “lethargic bog witch in that one boring dream you have where you just eat soup”

submitted 85 days ago • 0 comments

You feel like you’re actually getting just a little bit of traction with your crush and then you go and do a stupid thing like mention your cat started humping your leg. The Heidi Perry story.

submitted 85 days ago • 0 comments