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Reasons my kids couldn't get in bed this week: - teeth still wet from brushing - curious about the ingredients in dinner - bed too hot, pillow too cold - just need to check something real quick - not feeling the water cup I chose - might have to peepee after all How about yours?

submitted 12 hours ago • 2 comments

Sorry, stay at home moms and dads, but parenting is NOT a job. You can get fired from a job, and despite my egregious daily parenting fails, I haven't even managed to get suspended for the afternoon.

submitted 18 hours ago • 1 comment

They should make self-awareness for men

submitted 1 day ago • 42 comments

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid's 45-minute recap.

submitted 1 day ago • 1 comment

me: have I ever told you the story of my butt? son: no me: have a seat, it's a two-parter

submitted 1 day ago • 0 comments

My 3 year old just asked me what "partially" means and before I could answer my exasperated 5 year old said, "it's what they put in chimichurri, gosh, come on!"

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

My wife and I announce when we're going to the bathroom, but it's more a way of saying, "I'm not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it's all your fault."

submitted 2 days ago • 0 comments

me: may I be frank for a moment? boss: of course me: your lack of drive & vision are killing this company boss: you're fired, frank frank: but I didn't say any-- me: sir, with frank gone I'm concerned about the sales team's leadership boss: say no more, the position's yours

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

Young couples can't imagine the tension when you'd get home to discover that your spouse didn’t set the dvr to record your show.

submitted 3 days ago • 1 comment

Welcome to parenthood. Now you watch the clock at work AND home.

submitted 3 days ago • 0 comments

My kids are "forgetting" to tell me that their show is over because they want to watch another one, and I'm "forgetting" to check because I need more time alone.

submitted 4 days ago • 0 comments

me: here’s my resume and a list of rufferences veterinarian: you start tomorrow me: k, 9?

submitted 4 days ago • 1 comment

If that comet does hit the Earth are they just closing schools in that district or is it more like an every district kind of thing?

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

son: what's that jar of coins? me: it's a swear jar son: and that one? me: also a swear jar son: and that-- me: they're all fucking swear jars, alright?

submitted 5 days ago • 1 comment

My kids have been jumping on the bed, throwing couch cushions, and slamming kitchen cabinets for the past hour. Normally I'd intervene, but frankly this is between them and the staff at IKEA.

submitted 6 days ago • 0 comments

As I was making pancakes this morning my daughter asked if I could use the same butter our family in Texas uses. We actually do use the same butter, we just use half as much.

submitted 6 days ago • 1 comment

As I tucked him in bed, my four year old pulled me in for a hug and softly whispered, "when a goat dies, worms will eat its brains." Thanks for creeping me the fuck out, son.

submitted 6 days ago • 3 comments

First of all, I sincerely doubt there's a monster in your room, so forgive me if I don't share your sense of urgency. But for the sake of argument, let's say you're right--do you honestly think I'd be eager to fight a fucking MONSTER? Like I want to die that way, right? No thanks.

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

My daughter’s class switched homerooms so her old one could get repainted, which according to her will take at least a year. Who so long? It took her an entire art class to paint just one piece of paper, so imagine how long it would take to paint an entire room.

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

my mom will put you in a coffin without even trying

submitted 7 days ago • 1 comment

me: I'm going to start getting the kids ready for bed wife: it's 4:30 me: wife: please proceed

submitted 8 days ago • 0 comments

Well, it’s not certain if I’m ever going to walk again. The surgeon said I should be able to start using my leg normally again in the next 2-3 weeks, but I’ve got a pretty sweet setup here in bed and, frankly, the laziness suits me.

submitted 8 days ago • 2 comments

Turns out I'm no more motivated to wash these pots and pans today than I was when I decided to save them for tomorrow last night. Who knew?

submitted 8 days ago • 1 comment

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

submitted 8 days ago • 9 comments

Welcome to your 40's. You'll be working for 25 more years; your joints, not so much.

submitted 8 days ago • 1 comment

Parenting is tough. Letting your kids fail isn't easy, but it provides them with opportunities to grow. As tempting as it is to intervene, hardships can prove to be a gift, but you've got to make those calls. For example, my son just picked up a glue stick he thinks is chapstick.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

me: did you rush through your homework or did you take your time? first grader: why are you asking? me: you misspelled your name at the top

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

For every worst night sleep there must be an equal but opposite best night sleep. WHERE ARE MINE?

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don't get a peppermint after the meal if they don't eat their vegetables--is that true? waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way kids: YAAAAY!!! me: thanks, bro

submitted 9 days ago • 1 comment

You'll never catch me apologizing for my kids' public outbursts. They aren't "tantrums" or "fits," they're PSA's that help other parents feel normal and warn non-parents away from a similar fate. You should be thanking me.

submitted 9 days ago • 0 comments

wife: do you need your walker? me: he has a name! wife: me: wife: me: bring me Paul

submitted 10 days ago • 2 comments

My son learned that if a worm is cut in half it will be 2 worms and if those are cut in half they'll be 4 worms. "What if all the worms are just one worm that kept getting cut in half? What if there's only ONE worm?" he asked. You can save a lot of money on drugs by having a kid.

submitted 10 days ago • 2 comments

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she'd been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

submitted 10 days ago • 2 comments

My wife and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

Told my 4 year old that her dress was on backwards and she said, "Oh, I didn't think this dress had a backwards." I'm going back to bed.

submitted 10 days ago • 0 comments

It's 7:38 and my kids are in bed. Thinking of starting a cult.

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment

teacher: according to his classmates, your son has invented the word "kinderfarten" me: that's a problem teacher: I'm glad you agree me: I invented "kinderfarten"

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

"Welcome to daycare. Here's your eye infection."

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment

for the potato fears not death

submitted 59 days ago • 589 comments

PSA--you can walk right into Baskin Robbins and buy an ice cream birthday cake right now. They don't ask to see your ID, they don't check your birth certificate. You can just buy it and eat it. Right now. Don't overthink it.

submitted 11 days ago • 1 comment