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joeyheadset.bsky.social
I am no longer on speaking terms with Phil Collins. He knows why.
320 posts 61 followers 118 following
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"I've been teaching Sex Ed at this school for over two decades. You really think you're the first snot-nosed student to make a 'Hog Warts' joke? We'll see if you're still laughing when you apply the wrong protective runes to your condom and subsequently catch a nasty case of Necromantic Gonorrhea."

submitted 5 days ago • 0 comments

If somebody refers to themselves as a 'foodie', it's OK to punch them in the face, right?

submitted 7 days ago • 0 comments

Because there's nothing more romantic than the life of a long haul trucker.

submitted 11 days ago • 0 comments

Hey Weird Al, free idea for you: "Pink Jabroni Club". You're welcome!

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

Happy St V/Friday everybody. Please enjoy this extra *romantic* Riunite commercial. www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8ot...

submitted 12 days ago • 0 comments

My coffee grinder was getting clogged, so I bought these tablets that are used to clean your grinder. I didn't expect the product to be packaged to closely resemble gas-station boner pills :(

submitted 13 days ago • 0 comments

So you know those cardboard crowns they hand out at Burger King? Turns out, they confer no special rights or privileges. Not at Burger King and—more troublingly—not even at the DMV :(

submitted 16 days ago • 0 comments

On the streets they call me "Micro Cilantro". Because I'm small and some people think I taste like soap :(

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

Today is like the Super Bowl for people who love to post passive aggressive comments about how they aren't watching the Super Bowl.

submitted 17 days ago • 0 comments

Roses are red, violets are neato

submitted 18 days ago • 0 comments

I've been told my scrotum is "restaurant quality" and I don't know what that means :(

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

Happy Friday. Please enjoy this vintage Certs commercial. www.youtube.com/watch?v=6n46...

submitted 19 days ago • 0 comments

Not trying to brag, but I just assembled a shoe rack I bought off Amazon... and it's only *slightly* wobbly.

submitted 20 days ago • 0 comments

WHO IS "DJ RICK" AND WHY DID HE PRETEND TO STEAL MY PANTS :( :( :(

submitted 21 days ago • 0 comments

This is extremely stupid and I kind of want one. www.amazon.com/Smarthome-To...

submitted 24 days ago • 0 comments

I just got one of those percussion massage guns and now I feel like every rap song that mentions guns applies directly to me.

submitted 29 days ago • 0 comments

#poopin bibleangels.com/biblical-mea...

submitted 29 days ago • 0 comments

Erotic Tetris fan fiction.

submitted 30 days ago • 0 comments

♪♪"Genghis Khan has got it goin on!"♪♪

submitted 32 days ago • 0 comments

Just watched that movie 'Conclave'. Very cool! But is it actually true that when a pope dies, they select the next pope via a 'Step Up 2: The Streets' style dance competition?

submitted 35 days ago • 0 comments

How come nobody ever throws *me* an intervention :(

submitted 36 days ago • 0 comments

"Please, Mr. Ligula is my father... call me Cal!"

submitted 38 days ago • 0 comments

When it comes to soy sauce I need a Kikkoman on the streets but a Freakkoman between the sheets! #SoyBoy

submitted 41 days ago • 0 comments

The internet keeps trying to sell me Fish Jerky and I'm not sure how to feel about that :(

submitted 43 days ago • 0 comments

If I write a memoir, I think it's going to be titled "Mayonnaise Days, Aioli Nights."

submitted 43 days ago • 0 comments

Either Youtube thinks I've started a deli or it's trolling me :(

submitted 46 days ago • 1 comment

www.politico.eu/article/pola... I was wondering why the 'Kilbersond' dresser I got exploded shrapnel all over the apartment. I assumed I had assembled the thing incorrectly.

submitted 47 days ago • 0 comments

Just saw an ad for toilet paper that interpolated the chorus of "We Built this City" and now I'm seething with rage :(

submitted 47 days ago • 0 comments

Can't stop singing "Working on my Nightbitch!" to the tune of Bob Seger's "Night Moves" :(

submitted 51 days ago • 0 comments

Somebody said I couldn't eat $1000 worth of Iberico Ham in 24 hours, to which I responded: a) Screw you. b) Challenge Accepted! c) Is there a non-surgical option for addressing a kidney stone that's roughly the size of a Babybel Mini processed cheese product?* *asking for a a friend

submitted 53 days ago • 0 comments

Sometimes I worry I'm never going to find a 1-900 number that connects me with hot and horny singles in my area :(

submitted 53 days ago • 0 comments

Not trying to brag but I just went to Costco and bought a fresh pack of socks AND a fresh pack of underwear! Is this how it feels to be the King of England???

submitted 55 days ago • 0 comments

"Robbie Williams is huge here in the UK, but how can we duplicate that success in the United States?" "Two words: mo-cap monkeyman." "Genius!"

submitted 56 days ago • 0 comments